How about playing a fireworks videogame? Jimmy Kimmel Friday 06th of July 2007 2:45 am

Teach your kids to repect and fear fireworks as well as firearms. Melinda Gates Friday 06th of July 2007 3:17 am

dissect a kitten Adam Sandler Friday 06th of July 2007 3:30 am

Diet Coke and mentos, anyone? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentos_eruption Johnny Depp Friday 06th of July 2007 3:30 am

Pack of Mentos + case of Diet Coke = hours of safe but violent fun! Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 3:45 am

Buy the *biggest* TV you can afford (use your credit card if ready funds are lacking) and find a good DVD or PC program of fireworks effects. Throw in a decent sound system for that extra *boom*. Sean Connery Friday 06th of July 2007 3:59 am

Page 11 of the Light Sharpener! Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 4:17 am

Try hitting a rock with a muskrat jawbone. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 4:59 am

Mentoes + Diet Coke Avril Levine Friday 06th of July 2007 5:02 am

Fill a bottle with dry ice and something else, i forget, but it will explode. also a heroes engine. Jenny Finch Friday 06th of July 2007 5:04 am

In my next movie, I'm going to explore why American celebrities love mentos and diet coke. Michael Moore Friday 06th of July 2007 5:08 am

this isn't as safe as all their lame suggestions, but so long as you don't get burning bits of steel in your eye, it's perfectly safe, and looks great: Tie a cable or chain or fireproof rope around some steel wool, light it on fire, and spin it around. Sparks will go flying, and it looks great! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1rD0FFjt_o Orville Redenbacher Friday 06th of July 2007 5:29 am

Kids should have respect and fear of fireworks as well as for their own parents. Dr Phils Wife Friday 06th of July 2007 5:31 am

Beer Jay Leno Friday 06th of July 2007 6:19 am

Guns are a good firework alternative Arnold Shwarzenegger Friday 06th of July 2007 6:24 am

You need a license to drive a car. You need a license to hunt. You need a license to FISH, and fishing is hardly dangerous. Why not have a training camp for the good little people on how to correctly engage fireworks. You have to have a license to purchase and operate fireworks. Shia Labeouf Friday 06th of July 2007 6:46 am

well, around here, bottle rockets encased in glass bottles of gasoline appear to be popular..... oh MORE safe..... uh....tuna? Orville Redenbacher Friday 06th of July 2007 6:47 am

ice cream sandwiches! Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 6:53 am

Set up a big Diet-coke + Mentos display like those lab-coat guys. Bill Murray Friday 06th of July 2007 6:57 am

Mix together household chemicals! Watch them change colors and give off smoke! Roof-jumping! Jarts! Friday 06th of July 2007 7:00 am

Diet coke and Mentos "explosions" Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 7:01 am

Smoke lots of weed Tara Reid Friday 06th of July 2007 7:31 am

What we did for the fourth was significantly safer than fireworks and just as much fun - fire spinning! specifically, poi and staff fire spinning. an impressive light show in the dark and you probably won't burn down the neighborhood. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 7:40 am

They could at least have Pop balloons filled with air and confetti. Of course, if it was Mr. Cockerham these would be filled with helium and the method for popping them would certainly be eye threatening. Jerry Seinfeld Friday 06th of July 2007 7:42 am

I like to snort heroine and then cover myself up with a wet sheet in the tub. Andy Dick Friday 06th of July 2007 7:55 am

Wrap kids in bubble wrap; place in middle of room; wait for day to pass. "Yeesh" is right. Friday 06th of July 2007 7:55 am

Make all fireworks legal. Perhaps it will help weed out the stupid and slow. Morgan Freeman Friday 06th of July 2007 7:56 am

Have you ever tried putting popcorn in the microwave for a little too long? Me neither. But it would probably be totally sweet. Or not. Orville Redenbacher Friday 06th of July 2007 7:57 am

I mean after all, isn't it FREEDOM we are supposed to be celebrating here? Morgan Freeman Friday 06th of July 2007 7:58 am

Set a dead tree on fire Johnny Depp Friday 06th of July 2007 7:58 am

You could wear a tie and be all punk and awesome! Then, four years later, become all girly and punk and awesome! That's the best way to spend any holiday! Avril Levine Friday 06th of July 2007 7:59 am

Let your kids eat a couple micrograms of some fine LSD Ann Heche Friday 06th of July 2007 8:01 am

Hi OJ Simpson Friday 06th of July 2007 8:05 am

LSD Sylvester Stallone Friday 06th of July 2007 8:10 am

You can pop balloons to simulate Black Cats. Andy Dick Friday 06th of July 2007 8:10 am

Put on safety goggles. Then blow shit up. Jimmy Carter Friday 06th of July 2007 8:15 am

Have your neighborhood bully punch you in the stomach until you see stars. All the shock and awe of the 4th but your eyes will be safe! Cardinal Ivan Dias Friday 06th of July 2007 8:21 am

Mortars Hans Blix Friday 06th of July 2007 8:21 am

crashing your car! Charleton Heston Friday 06th of July 2007 8:22 am

Sobbing quietly in a darkened room all day works for me. Hassain Al-Shahristani Friday 06th of July 2007 8:27 am

http://www.midweek.com/content/story/theweekend_extrastory/passion_parties/ Arnold Shwarzenegger Friday 06th of July 2007 8:29 am

Watch wizard fireworks, but don't let the hobbits touch them. Gandalf the Grey Friday 06th of July 2007 8:33 am

I like to celebrate by watching an orange fish swim through some green bubbles, or marbles or whatever those things are around the fish on my screen all the time. . . Look at them! They are Beautiful, Beauuuuuu-teee-full I tells ya! Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 8:37 am

Fill a plastic bag with natural gas and light it. Makes a big flash but little else. Better use a small bag. Carbide cannons! Order one from an ad in any 50-year-old comic book. Those rockets that you half-fill with water and then pump up with air pressure. Kites or helium balloons decorated with LEDs. Adam Sandler Friday 06th of July 2007 8:37 am

My dad always set the burgers on fire. does that count? Ira Glass Friday 06th of July 2007 8:37 am

Eno's and water in a closed bottle always takes the fizz out of me... David Hasselhoff Friday 06th of July 2007 8:41 am

Watch fireworks on television. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 8:47 am

Pour gasoline on the ground, stand back, and throw a match. It's fun, completely safe, and, if you do it on your neighbors property, leaves no traces of any sort of damage. Dave Grohl Friday 06th of July 2007 8:48 am

Just be smokin' hot and walk around where there are lots of flamable nerd-types. Jessica Alba Friday 06th of July 2007 8:52 am

Put crunched up tin foil balls in the microwave...and watch the colorful sparks. Just don't let the tin foil touch the sides of the microwave, and it should be safe and fun. Daniel Radcliffe Friday 06th of July 2007 9:03 am

Ivory Soap in the microwave. It turns into a big, fluffy soap cloud that hardens when it cools. It's pretty neat. Adrian Brody Friday 06th of July 2007 9:04 am

Wasn't there something really cool with mentos and diet coke? Gandalf the White Friday 06th of July 2007 9:05 am

Watch a professional fireworks display from a safe distance. Duh. Shia Labeouf Friday 06th of July 2007 9:12 am

I create my own fireworks. Gandalf the Grey Friday 06th of July 2007 9:19 am

Build a habitat. Destroy habitat with fire. Jimmy Carter Friday 06th of July 2007 9:22 am

Replica guns loaded with blanks. Dry ice in soda bottles (course, you'd then have the danger of shrapnel). Charleton Heston Friday 06th of July 2007 9:26 am

Git to the chowper and stawt chooting at evrything! Arnold Shwarzenegger Friday 06th of July 2007 9:27 am

Get super drunk and eat burgers off the floor. David Hasselhoff Friday 06th of July 2007 9:29 am

ive got a good idea, how bout some fireworks!!!! i think that woman who wrote that little article, is just an america hating writer. spending buttloads of money on stuff that is just a "flash in the pan" cool and trendy is the american way. Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 9:29 am

Set your neighbor's hair on fire. Friday 06th of July 2007 9:41 am

matches + gasoline Bono Friday 06th of July 2007 9:43 am

Shine a flashlight on my giant eyeballs. Jennifer Wilbanks Friday 06th of July 2007 9:46 am

Mentos and Diet Coke. Let puppies chase kitties. Air horns on bicycles. Hans Blix Friday 06th of July 2007 9:47 am

Eat ribs Bono Friday 06th of July 2007 9:49 am

Poke a sleeping hobo with a stick. Friday 06th of July 2007 9:49 am

Allow children to view my glittering gold sarcophagus. King Tut Friday 06th of July 2007 9:51 am

One word: firearms. Charleton Heston Friday 06th of July 2007 9:58 am

High pressure water jets sprayed into the air with bright multi-colored lights shining through them? Also I see dead people. Haley Joel Osment Friday 06th of July 2007 9:59 am

Do acid. Dick Cheney Friday 06th of July 2007 10:00 am

Shoot your friend's ashes out of a giant glowing red peyote-shaped cannon. Johnny Depp Friday 06th of July 2007 10:03 am

1) popcorn 2) compressed air cannon 3) profit Prince Friday 06th of July 2007 10:07 am

use normal fireworks with saftey goggles Dytek Guy Friday 06th of July 2007 10:09 am

And now for the Talking Points Memo... Replacing fireworks is un-American and a ploy by the scourge of the liberal left. How about using Fireworks as directed in a cautious manner? What happened to using a little adult supervision? Not to mention the use of safety glasses... That should reduce 99.999% of firework injuries. And that's the memo. Bill O'Reilly Friday 06th of July 2007 10:10 am

s Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 10:13 am

semi-automatic 9mm pistols. they're even better than fireworks, and kids love them. Clint Eastwood Friday 06th of July 2007 10:14 am

Up here in Placer County, where fireworks are totally illegal, we've resorted to dry ice bombs for the bang and road flares for the flash. If you're unfamiliar with dry ice bombs, look them up on youtube. They sound like a shotgun blast. Mohammad Al-Baradei Friday 06th of July 2007 10:16 am

place tin foil and muriatic acid in a 2 liter bottle. Screw cap on tight and run away. Avril Levine Friday 06th of July 2007 10:27 am

Well, you did an article about eye safety... couldn't they consult you? Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 10:30 am

Drink a lot of diet coke and then swallow about 10 Mentos and see what happens. Since I don't think anyone's died or been seriously injured from this yet (has no one tried this?), and since there's no warning about it on the Mentos label (or the diet coke label), you (or your family) can sue heavily for this and make millions. I get 10% of your profit for volunteering the idea; competition from that pesky ditech.com is killing me. Dytek Guy Friday 06th of July 2007 10:31 am

water-balloon fights, with colored water (blue, red). Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 10:32 am

No need to replace fireworks -- sunglasses always worked to protect my baby blues. Elvis Friday 06th of July 2007 10:33 am

Plop some dry ice into water-bottles (two thirds-filled, of course). Then, run! Ayad Allawi Friday 06th of July 2007 10:34 am

Ice cube sculpture Martha Stewart Friday 06th of July 2007 10:41 am

Try cleaning up litter around the neighborhood, write a letter to a local politician, or bring fresh pornography to a fire station. Hilary Clinton Friday 06th of July 2007 10:44 am

Throwing a block of sodium into a lake. Viggo Mortensen Friday 06th of July 2007 10:47 am

Dry Ice Bombs! Liquid Nitrogen Bombs! Diet Coke + Mentos! Baby! Ringo Starr Friday 06th of July 2007 11:00 am

Weapons of mass destruction. Hans Blix Friday 06th of July 2007 11:01 am

A ferret, a police whistle and a cup of milk Arnold Shwarzenegger Friday 06th of July 2007 11:05 am

roll of caps and a hammer. (do they still have caps, and cap guns?) Friday 06th of July 2007 11:13 am

Campfire- purchase fancy salts that make the campfire turn colors (I bought some from the camping aisle at Wal-Mart)- kids think it is magic! Martha Stewart Friday 06th of July 2007 11:19 am

Have the kids look through a pile of 10,000 coins, searching for one with an image of fireworks on the back. Audrey Tautou Friday 06th of July 2007 11:20 am

If I WERE to light fireworks off, that is to say this is only a "Fictous" scenaro, a “hypothetical” post: I would drive my white bronco down to the b!tches house, shove the fireworks down her ungrateful cheating throat light fuse, and get away....only after slicing her and her boyfriend Ron's throat from ear to ear. Die! Die! Die!!! Um... thats to say *IF* I were to light off fireworks. OJ Simpson Friday 06th of July 2007 11:20 am

I like dipping my hands and other body parts in glow-in-the-dark paint, then running around the backyard Tara Reid Friday 06th of July 2007 11:23 am

I prefer hunting pheasant in the field with close friends to fireworks. Dick Cheney Friday 06th of July 2007 11:24 am

Fireworkds, what's up with that? Jerry Seinfeld Friday 06th of July 2007 11:24 am

I recommend scotch. Sean Connery Friday 06th of July 2007 11:29 am

Just let them lil niggas bust day guns. 50 Cent Friday 06th of July 2007 11:30 am

Fireworks. That's hot. Evil Paris Hilton Friday 06th of July 2007 11:30 am

Hallucinogenic drugs would probably work, but might be illegal. I suspect I'm not the first person to come us with this suggestion. Friday 06th of July 2007 11:30 am

Pretend it's 2006 again and the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment is still cool. Use different flavours of sodapop to achieve multiple colours, and light from beneath to produce a lit explosion of colour and sticky sweetness. Melinda Gates Friday 06th of July 2007 11:44 am

Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, you don't even -- you're glib. You don't even know what a Roman Candle is. If you start talking about pyrotechnics, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these expolsives, Rob, okay? That's what I've done. . . . You don't know the history of fireworks. I do Friday 06th of July 2007 11:45 am

And here I thought I was original with my Diet Coke and Mentos idea. Yeesh. Uh, how about a Blue Man Group-style drum-fest using neon paint? Melinda Gates Friday 06th of July 2007 11:47 am

Nuke the planet from orbit, it's the only way to be sure Oprah Friday 06th of July 2007 11:49 am

Build Spring Shoes for them with mattress springs/ Love your site, btw! Dave Grohl Friday 06th of July 2007 12:04 pm

ANAL SEX Jo Frost Friday 06th of July 2007 12:05 pm

Diet Coke and Mentos! Johnny Depp Friday 06th of July 2007 12:06 pm

WE'LL GO STREAKING!!! Will Farrell Friday 06th of July 2007 12:09 pm

There's always the put-a-lightbulb-in-the-microwave trick, thought that's probably more dangerous than the bar of soap alternative mentioned above. Of course, a LIGHT SHARPENER would be better. Neil Patrick Harris Friday 06th of July 2007 12:10 pm

If you're already blind, you can do whatever the hell you want. Jack Black Friday 06th of July 2007 12:16 pm

Vote Obearakscki Douglas Kuchinich Friday 06th of July 2007 12:24 pm

At the risk of sounding sexist...Only a female (but not every female would agree)woud make those "safe" suggestions. Boys like the added sense of danget that comes with lighting fireworks. Nuri Kamal al Maliki Friday 06th of July 2007 12:27 pm

Fireworks ain't no walk in the park, lady. You gotta have the boom, zip, zooey, woooooshit or it ain't the 4th of July. In other words...BRRRRRrrrrrip...man's natural gas is the only second alternative. Jack Black Friday 06th of July 2007 12:30 pm

? Tara Reid Friday 06th of July 2007 12:31 pm

Where's Jamie?!? Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 12:34 pm

Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 12:35 pm

Wrap children in bubble-wrap and have them sit quietly in darkened room. Friday 06th of July 2007 12:38 pm

Another person's eyesight lost to fireworks! Dytek Guy Friday 06th of July 2007 12:47 pm

Hey, like, I'll go around the neighborhood and like, flash all the little kids! Will that, like, help? Like, by the way, I'm not wearing, like, underwear, like, right now! Wanna see? Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 12:53 pm

Set a trap for the giant invading red pitcher of Kool-Aid. Dig a pit and line the bottom with sharpened bamboo shoots. Sylvester Stallone Friday 06th of July 2007 12:54 pm

Mom...uh..my wife..says I can't look at that kind of stuff...I'll go blind... Ashton Kutcher Friday 06th of July 2007 12:55 pm

Strap on a belt of dynamite sticks and nails wrapped in pigskin. As a bonus you will enter the realm of 70 virgins after detonation. Hassain Al-Shahristani Friday 06th of July 2007 12:58 pm

Light your farts instead. The only "eye" you might injure is ol' brown-eye Scarlett Johansson Friday 06th of July 2007 1:00 pm

Surprisingly, rolling around naked in the snow is the *exact* same sensation as lighting bottle rockets out your a. I prefer eating glass for money. Snorting coke and having unprotected sex with diseased hookers. It's the best! Johnny Knoxville Friday 06th of July 2007 1:02 pm

My friends and I enjoy lots of cool refreshing coke. Nicole Ritchie Friday 06th of July 2007 1:04 pm

Re-enact key battles from the Revolutionary War using Super Soakers as rifles, and water balloon launchers as artillery. I think "pre-Foo Fighters Dave Grohl" should be one of the public figure selections. Charleton Heston Friday 06th of July 2007 1:06 pm

Alien Tech. Perfectly safe. David Duchovny Friday 06th of July 2007 1:07 pm

This is kind of unrelated, but I've got to share this: My wife spent like 3 hours last night blabbing about how this recent study showed that men and women both speak about the same number of words. Jimmy Kimmel Friday 06th of July 2007 1:08 pm

My breasts make good fireworks Scarlett Johansson Friday 06th of July 2007 1:14 pm

You don't know fireworks. I know fireworks. Friday 06th of July 2007 1:14 pm

Have children spin in circle for 60-90 seconds. Promptly have them lay on the floor while you blink the lights in the room on and off. Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 1:15 pm

Get drunk and hold up a lighter? King Tut Friday 06th of July 2007 1:18 pm

We prefer making our own fireworks in the bedroom. Take for example last night: I had Phil dress in a english school girls uniform while I rode makes the whole night special. Later we cuddled. Dr Phils Wife Friday 06th of July 2007 1:19 pm

Once you realize that the fireworks are just replacing LOVE, the answer is obvious. Rose Byrne Friday 06th of July 2007 1:26 pm

Close your eyes and then rub them vigorously for exciting fireworks action. Friday 06th of July 2007 1:28 pm

Fwireworks: What makes them go boom? Watch my spwecial weport exclusivwy with Tom Cwuise tonight at 10:00. Barbara Walters Friday 06th of July 2007 1:29 pm

Hit head with rock. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 1:31 pm

have the kids bugger one another with splintered toilet plunger, like the cops did to that guy Haley Joel Osment Friday 06th of July 2007 1:36 pm

Take a glow stick, tie a long string to one end. Whirl it around and throw it high into the air (at night) and you can watch it fly up, and back down. Repeat. Friday 06th of July 2007 1:38 pm

I know a good one called the "Flasher." I like this one so much in fact, that I use it even when it isn't the fourth of july. Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 1:39 pm

Play baseball with fruit. Nothing like exploding fruit to celebrate our countries independence. Bonus points for a Watermelon home run. Brad Pitt Friday 06th of July 2007 1:39 pm

Weed and Christmas lights. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 1:40 pm

Some people have called me fun like a firework. I am shiny, and big, and amazing. But these people are just trying to make me feel better because really I am washed up and out of original material. Will Farrell Friday 06th of July 2007 1:42 pm

Also, multistage water bottle rockets are pretty slick. Will Farrell Friday 06th of July 2007 1:44 pm

Chew wint-O-green lifesavers with your mouth open. The sparks will be nifty. Or, scuff your stocking feet on carpeting and discharge the static electricity on the door nob for an 'electric' good time. Topher Grace Friday 06th of July 2007 1:46 pm

Go see a fireworks show instead of putting one on yourselves. Neil Patrick Harris Friday 06th of July 2007 1:53 pm

LSD Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani Friday 06th of July 2007 1:56 pm

Duct tape a small container of gasoline to the top of a remote control car, then drop a match in. Drive the car through a patriotic obstacle course. Ed Norton Friday 06th of July 2007 2:16 pm

replace fireworks with pinatas ;) Barack Obama Friday 06th of July 2007 2:18 pm

Live chickens. Barbara Walters Friday 06th of July 2007 2:21 pm

Do you wanna see my implant scars? Tara Reid Friday 06th of July 2007 2:23 pm

Give all the fireworks to the blind kid down the street...nothing to lose. Evil Paris Hilton Friday 06th of July 2007 2:24 pm

I reject your reality and substitute my own! Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 2:24 pm

I see dead people. Haley Joel Osment Friday 06th of July 2007 2:24 pm

Germans love David Hasselhoff. David Hasselhoff Friday 06th of July 2007 2:25 pm

Try shoplifting! Kelly Clarkson Friday 06th of July 2007 2:31 pm

mmm i'm Jude Law Jude Law Friday 06th of July 2007 2:40 pm

Take them to the gun range Arnold Shwarzenegger Friday 06th of July 2007 2:45 pm

Buy reflective paint at Emigh Hardware and cover your man-bag. Add black light and lasers. Enjoy! Kelly Clarkson Friday 06th of July 2007 2:46 pm

Put Pop Rocks in your mouth and leave it open Leonardo DiCaprio Friday 06th of July 2007 2:50 pm

Fireworks are generally safe if used according to instruction. For those who can't read the bold print saying to not hold in hand, or not to aim at people, put the warnings in braille (tactile feedback), and in English, "if you don't follow these warnings, you should start learning braille to read the instructions for the blind". Clint Eastwood Friday 06th of July 2007 3:03 pm

You know what would help prevent CULTURAL blindness? If more people would listen to my radio show. That would open their eyes, yessiri. With their eyes open, maybe they would start to understand that all the celebrations in the world aren't going to address the critical problems which address this great nation! Instead of fireworks, they should be light democrats on fire! Sure! Bill O'Reilly Friday 06th of July 2007 3:08 pm

Roam country roads collecting roadkill. Dress up as our founding fathers. Friday 06th of July 2007 3:08 pm

Nothing burns better than the tinderbox of dissent brewing in the liberal left "ME"dia. Just watch out for sparks! And Democrats! Cause someone's going to lose their arm, and when they do, I'll be there to beat a dead horse with it. A dead horse that died believing the liberal media lies! Bill O'Reilly Friday 06th of July 2007 3:08 pm

A pack of matches is enough fun for me! Friday 06th of July 2007 3:13 pm

If you're doing stuff during the day, nothing delights children more than blasting water into the air so that it rains down on everybody. Playing with water is a screaming riot! Elvis Friday 06th of July 2007 3:15 pm

Thermite Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 3:27 pm

Gasoline in a coke can Friday 06th of July 2007 3:29 pm

Everyone loves glitter pasties. Madonna Friday 06th of July 2007 3:34 pm

Use a big jar of pepper to induce sneezing fits. Unless you are Mormon. Then it is probably forbidden. Jack in the Box Friday 06th of July 2007 3:36 pm

More fire! More! Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 3:39 pm

A good old fashioned potato gun. In case of potato famine, try an aluminum foil & "The Works" brand cleaner bomb. Jimmy Carter Friday 06th of July 2007 3:43 pm

Where is that fool of a Took? Gandalf the Grey Friday 06th of July 2007 3:53 pm

I like to make my own fireworks by firing up ol' Trudie with some rough, bareback Tantric sex. Never once have I gone blind doing so. Sting Friday 06th of July 2007 4:00 pm

Just have a competition to see who can hold a match for the longest time. Winner gets ice cream! Christina Aguilera Friday 06th of July 2007 4:09 pm

Go see a mortor display (the big ones that shoot up in the air) No fire near kids and you don't have to do anything but wrangle the little ones Friday 06th of July 2007 4:18 pm

You can always light me on fire and watch me run down the street! Haley Joel Osment Friday 06th of July 2007 4:18 pm

Blind all children at birth, then fireworks could do no further damage Friday 06th of July 2007 4:26 pm

AK-47s? Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 4:31 pm

Light sharpener, page 11! Clint Eastwood Friday 06th of July 2007 4:40 pm

Lighting a match and throwing it in the air. The safest kind of fun there is! Shia Labeouf Friday 06th of July 2007 4:43 pm

I always liked jumping up and down on Oprah's couch for some fun. Friday 06th of July 2007 4:44 pm

Check out the July 4th Inventory BLOW OUT at your local Ford/Mercury Auto Dealership! Shallah Ramadan Friday 06th of July 2007 4:46 pm

Molotov cocktails. You said terrific, not safe. :) Friday 06th of July 2007 5:07 pm

Power-Washers. (And you can teach your kids how to police your neighborhood against fire-loving dis-loyalists.) Joy Behar Friday 06th of July 2007 5:09 pm

Listen to NPR Ira Glass Friday 06th of July 2007 5:15 pm

pass Telly Savales Friday 06th of July 2007 5:17 pm

THE MIGHT OF THE HOLY OVERPOWERS THESE EXPLOSIVES THE INFIDEL USES TO OPPRESS. YOU CLAIM FREEDOM, BUT YOUR HOLIDAY IS FILTH, DEBASEMENT. A POX ON IT. Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani Friday 06th of July 2007 5:18 pm

Get tattoos, shave your head and show the world your nether regions! Duh! Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 5:22 pm

Run around with a lit birthday candle tucked into your butt. Or a novelty flashlight. Johnny Knoxville Friday 06th of July 2007 5:31 pm

Three Letters: LSD Jimmy Carter Friday 06th of July 2007 5:33 pm

Catching the guy that molested then rubbed chocolate sauce on that 22 year old woman carrying quintuplets. Then defying what the chief says cause I play by my own rules. Christoper Meloni Friday 06th of July 2007 5:34 pm

Have a patriotic party-on-the-patiO with red, white, and blue light sabers, and serve foods from agalaxy far, far away. Since they're from "off world," these foods can be as bizarre, gross, or exotic and delicious as you like. Kind of like halloween in july. Natalie Portman Friday 06th of July 2007 5:37 pm

Blow up Parliament. (Or, if your political persuassion differs, blaze up effogies of Guy Fawkes.) Natalie Portman Friday 06th of July 2007 5:37 pm

Can't be done. The only way fireworks can be improved is to make them fly higher, burn longer, flash brighter or bang louder. Preferably all of the above. PS I am a flaming homo. Orlando Bloom Friday 06th of July 2007 5:40 pm

Ok! Neon paint. A black light. um Laser pens? An inflatable bouncy jump thingy! water ballons and a garden hose! Whipped cream canisters! Yeah! Chicks and guns and firetrucks! wait Tom Hanks Friday 06th of July 2007 6:05 pm

Just light a goddam cigarette, have a martini, and vote that son-of-a-bitch out of office for fuck's sake. Janeane Garofalo Friday 06th of July 2007 6:10 pm

suck it Bill Murray Friday 06th of July 2007 6:12 pm

Wear safety glasses when setting m-80's off. Works like a charm! Now, preventing blown off fingers, that I haven't figured out yet. Friday 06th of July 2007 6:19 pm

You can wave me around like a Glowing firework Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 6:24 pm

Kids can draw fireworks, with non-toxic crayons on round edge paper. Colin Farrell Friday 06th of July 2007 6:26 pm

Sparklers are pretty cool and are mostly safe by themselves, but if you put a bunch of them together and wrap them up with tape then that is dangerous! Jack in the Box Friday 06th of July 2007 6:29 pm

Balloons filled to the point of bursting with food coloring-tinged water. Orlando Bloom Friday 06th of July 2007 6:33 pm

My name is Red, my voice is so smooth I rap and voice over but my lips never move. Morgan Freeman Friday 06th of July 2007 6:34 pm

I used to be hot- now I'm not Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 6:35 pm

Put some dry ice and hot water (quickly) into a 2L pop bottle, and throw it away from yourself and others (also quickly). The explosion is deafening. Cardinal Roger Etchegaray Friday 06th of July 2007 6:39 pm

sprinkle some fruit loops into a old coffee can half-full of water. Stir with a long wooden spoon and watch the colors fly around! Sanjaya Friday 06th of July 2007 6:41 pm

Air Powered Cannon to shoot all sorts of "safe" projectiles Friday 06th of July 2007 6:43 pm

Mix up some baking soda and vinegar in a film container and quickly put on the lid. A small pop ensues - and can be recreated for as long as you have a ready supply of vinegar and baking soda. Angela Kinsey Friday 06th of July 2007 6:44 pm

How about a hard drive crash? That'll get their attention. Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 6:44 pm

Air Powered Cannon to shoot all sorts of "safe" projectiles Rex Roller Friday 06th of July 2007 6:46 pm

Cover a mountain lion with peanut butter and watch the red ants sting it to death. Sylvester Stallone Friday 06th of July 2007 6:46 pm

(With a slur) It's Soda! Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 6:51 pm

Cut liquor advertisements out of magazines and glue them to your Escalade. Gandalf the White Friday 06th of July 2007 6:54 pm

If the problem is explosions and metallic sparks flying around, why not simply set fire to something non-explosive, such as a tree or fence? Tara Reid Friday 06th of July 2007 7:15 pm

Beans and a lighter. Get a good sound-system and fireproof microphone for the extra "braaap" Sanjaya Friday 06th of July 2007 7:26 pm

eat more glue Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 7:42 pm

Flaming farts! Britney Spears Friday 06th of July 2007 8:03 pm

Marijuana Barack Obama Friday 06th of July 2007 8:04 pm

Jackf! Cardinal Ivan Dias Friday 06th of July 2007 8:04 pm

body paint! Christina Aguilera Friday 06th of July 2007 8:11 pm

drugs. lots. Elvis Friday 06th of July 2007 8:35 pm

Let them inside my pants... There's plenty of fireworks in there. Andy Dick Friday 06th of July 2007 8:46 pm

Drugs. Bill O'Reilly Friday 06th of July 2007 8:46 pm

Lots of fun alternatives! Cook a hamburger like the Light Sharpener Page 11 shows. Set off a camera flash at the focus of a parabolic mirror and aim the light across town, like you did in the Light Sharpener page 12. Cut out the black printing on white cardboard, leaving holes just where the words were, like Light Sharpener page 13. Create a Disco Inferno using a disco ball at the focus, like the Light Sharpener page 14. Jimmy Carter Friday 06th of July 2007 8:50 pm

FLAMING LAWN DARTS Bono Friday 06th of July 2007 8:52 pm

You should finish the light sharpener... then melt me with it. Iphone Friday 06th of July 2007 8:52 pm

1)put on blindfold 2)carry on as usual *Will not protect others of blindness* Friday 06th of July 2007 8:53 pm

strap them to the couch, let them have no fun, and show them the fireworks on TV. Sylvester Stallone Friday 06th of July 2007 8:54 pm

how about an IQ test to be able to qualify to buy fireworks in the first place. Or like a training course on how not to be mentally handicapped while handling said fireworks. AKA don't look down the barrel to see if it's a dud, don't point the bottle rocket at anyone, and if the thing begins to misfire, get everyone to run like you-know-what. Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 9:08 pm

As an alternative to blindness-inducing 4th of July fireworks, I suggest striking fear into the hearts of evildoers by rigging a parking lot and causing a select arrangement of cars to explode so that when viewed from a helicopter the burning hulks of metal form the shape of a giant "Punisher" skull logo made out of fire. That would be so awesome. Friday 06th of July 2007 9:13 pm

Teach children to wear eye protection, like lab safety goggles. Children who are too young to understand lab or pyrotechnic safety are too young for fireworks. Invest in a decent set and make sure everyone viewing the fireworks wears them. You can compare this to wearing 3D glasses at the 3D movie, or even make it a game, like "evil scientist" or "goggle-eyed robots take over the Earth." King Tut Friday 06th of July 2007 9:25 pm

you :) Douglas Kuchinich Friday 06th of July 2007 9:27 pm

setting the neighbor's hair on fire. Adam Sandler Friday 06th of July 2007 9:41 pm

First you buy some "fireworks" off the 13 yr. old/mad scientist/chemistry geek down the strret he claims to be 250 times as powerful as your "m-80's". Blow chuncks out of your neihbors house. Adam Savage Friday 06th of July 2007 9:47 pm

Madar koskesh! I show the evil Satan of the decadent West fireworks replacement! It's is called suicide bomb, I send one to you soon. Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani Friday 06th of July 2007 9:58 pm

three words dry ice bomb Cardinal Roger Etchegaray Friday 06th of July 2007 10:03 pm

instead of playing with dangeresque works of fire. Start a new exciting family tradition wiht your kids by going to bed early on July 4th, and then waking up to do chores the next day. Its fun for the whole etcetera Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani Friday 06th of July 2007 10:03 pm

Yo Adrian! My face is all fucked up, but I still love you! Sylvester Stallone Friday 06th of July 2007 10:05 pm

Buakakke party!? Johnny Knoxville Friday 06th of July 2007 10:10 pm

guns Friday 06th of July 2007 10:16 pm

1. Run around with scissors. Fun for the whole family! 2. Have the kids make tothpick glasses with glue and toothpicks! (Duh...) 3. Hit Shotgun Shells with hammers till they blow up! 4. Throw bullets in the bonfire you started in your backyard with yard waste and gasoline! 5. Bottle Rocket fights! Bottle rockets aren't fireworks, they're aeronautical expierements! Caveman Friday 06th of July 2007 10:20 pm

Gandalf says to simply throw lit sparklers as high into the air as you possibly can. Make sure you're on pavement so you don't set your neighbourhood on fire. Gandalf the Grey Friday 06th of July 2007 10:30 pm

How about setting a boring optometrists hair on fire? Sadly, it's an impossible ask. Dangerous = fun. Safe = not fun. It's one of the fundamental rules of the universe. Ed Norton Friday 06th of July 2007 10:35 pm

Let children take turns playing with one of the assault rifles from the family's arsenal. Charleton Heston Friday 06th of July 2007 10:47 pm

BRAAAAAAAINS! Dick Cheney Friday 06th of July 2007 10:54 pm

poop fires on porches Toby McGuire Friday 06th of July 2007 11:22 pm

Mentos. Pepsi. Think large. Ira Glass Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:07 am

I spent the evening of the 4th picking lint out of my belly button. Then I ate it. Michael Moore Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:13 am

Wow, I've had my head inside his belly button - there's a lot of lint in there! Nancy Pelosi Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:16 am

Tire Fire Orville Redenbacher Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:37 am

Nothin' says "patriotism" like a few dozen molotovs. Bill O'Reilly Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:52 am

Close your eyes and rub them really hard! Avril Levine Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:16 am

One word: SRIRACHA. No youngster ever forgets their first encounter with the rooster. Ann Heche Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:39 am

Keep the fireworks, but only allow blind people to use them. Barack Obama Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:07 am

THE LIGHT SHARPENER Natalie Portman Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:12 am

Old Andy was as good as his word. After only a few years of writing two letters a week, they gave him a stipend of 500 dollars a year, just to shut him up. And you'd be amazed at how far he could stretch it. He contacted charity organizations and book clubs. He bought remainded books by the pound. And before long, Shawshank had the best prison library in New England, with a fine selection of Hank Williams. Morgan Freeman Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:23 am

I wonder if Rob really reads these comments. Here's a test. He keeps adding more and more celebrities to the list, so if he reads theese, he'll add Stephen Colbert to the next celebrity comment section. This will prove that we're not alone. David Duchovny Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:26 am

Try to find out how much is inside an acre. Prince Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:27 am

Studying knives very closely in startling environments. Orville Redenbacher Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:37 am

WHO AM I!?!?!?!?!?!?! Shia Labeouf Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:04 am

Guns. Guns are safer than fireworks. Guns don't kill people, fireworks kill people, AND blind your children! When was the last time you heard of someone being blinded by a gun? Clearly, they are the safer option. Charleton Heston Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:07 am

I think the youth of this nation should read my new book, "The Audacity of Hope." In this book I personally outlike my 184 step comprehensive plan to put not just one child's eyes out with fireworks, but all children. After a multitude of mutually frustrating years, there will be no children left that could remember what a firework was, and thus when the entire kingdom of hope is blind, there will be no more need for fireworks. Barack Obama Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:19 am

!gnimoc ees lliw eno on tsiwt a s'tI. yad eht rof sdrawkcab klaT M Night Shymalayan Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:48 am

(some joke about popcorn and fireworks) Orville Redenbacher Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:49 am

Safety. Glasses. NIOSH approved, of course. Orville Redenbacher Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:49 am

Maybe they can just rub their eyes until they see the colors. Fred Armisen Saturday 07th of July 2007 5:19 am

Actually I think fireworks should be fine, so long as you don't let kids or animals near them and only use them while sober. Or live in a big city and watch the real fireworks! (you're paying for them anyway!) :) Thanks, Rob. You've given me a complex now because I'm not one of those famous people! Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:05 am

Get someone who's already blind to set them off. Plus, they won't mind not getting to watch because they're already blind! Tara Reid Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:15 am

I know this is kind of lame, since I am the guy of Mythbusters. But Christmas crackers, and party poppers make a lot of bang, and aren't so dangerous. Adam Savage Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:17 am

First you take an old ice-cream container, and you fill it with nitro-glycerin and some nails. Then... oh wait, is this alt.terrorism.jihad? Muqtada al-Sadr Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:20 am

Help me! I was eating a burger, then everything goes blank... I wake up and I'm in a coffin? wtf? Where'd my burger go? Elvis Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:23 am

i'm just a hunka hunka burning love Elvis Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:24 am

Sorry about my last movie, everyone. M Night Shymalayan Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:30 am

Mmmmm.... Rob Cockerham! Every night in prison I thought about you. Evil Paris Hilton Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:35 am

A 12 gauge shotgun, pointed away from anyone's eyes, is a real nice alternative. ;) Charleton Heston Saturday 07th of July 2007 7:10 am

Rather than simply lighting your farts, develop a system to capture a year's worth. Then use the bottled gas to offset a portion of your fossil fuel use. There's nothing that says independence like freedom from foreign oil. Sting Saturday 07th of July 2007 7:29 am

This reminds me of the time Captain Kangaroo came up with a 'safe' alternative to carving pumpkins - sticking vegetables in them instead. A pumpkin with half a bell pepper for ears and magic marker eyes does NOT say 'Halloween' it says 'lamer, sadder version of Mr. Potato Head.' Barack Obama Saturday 07th of July 2007 7:44 am

spend some time in tikrit. Ibrahim Al-Jaafari Saturday 07th of July 2007 7:47 am

There is none, the whole point of fireworks is the EXPLOSIONS. However, I guess you can watch a clip of a bomb on youtube or something. Ahmad Chalabi Saturday 07th of July 2007 8:13 am

watching fireworks on tv. Safe and boring. Or even better, a movie where it shows people who have gained terrible injuries from using fireworks on July 4th. Then little kiddies will think twice before lighting a firework. Daniel Radcliffe Saturday 07th of July 2007 8:34 am

50 Best Firework Displays DVD Saturday 07th of July 2007 9:03 am

Throw snow cones at each other while surrounded by strobe lights. You would need at least 20 people. Adam Savage Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:03 am

Get 10 or more people to play the riff from sweetleaf for 74 minutes. http://www.babygorilla.com/warehouse/art/isolation/isolations.html Ma Ying-jeou Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:07 am

First of all, "close eyes, rub hard" = macular degeneration/retinal detachment, so the Blindness Lady won't like it. Had we thought of pre-emptively blinding anyone too stupid to safely use fireworks? Or simply engage the kids in traditional games, like seeing who can leave a lit cigarette on their forearm the longest, or that stabby knife between the fingers thing. Or play "Abu Ghraib" to celebrate our independence. Clint Eastwood Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:18 am

sex Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:40 am

Car Bombs Abdel-Aziz Al-Hakim Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:48 am

If you want to prevent blindness, do not look directly at my ass. However, if you are within 10 miles of my ass, you can not help but look since my ass is HUUUUUUUUGE! My ass is almost as big as Clay Aiken is gay. Kelly Clarkson Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:50 am

Build an elaborate light-sharpening device that you painstakingly document every step on the road to its final product. Use during daytime activities to burn enemy ships in the harbor. Dick Cheney Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:16 am

Passive eugenics Dytek Guy Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:42 am

sound waves from boom cars can give a visceral experience Nuri Kamal al Maliki Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:53 am

Just be cool, baby. Telly Savales Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:00 pm

watch the afterdark screen saver with all the lights off. Tara Reid Saturday 07th of July 2007 12:28 pm

Get a 2-liter bottle of soda, shake vigorously, and uncap. Smarty Jones Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:02 pm

Taking a moment to reflect on how blessed we are to be free...that is all of the joy and excitement a kid should have. Melinda Gates Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:07 pm

Open up shotgun shells and pour out the powder. Put the powder in a tightly wrapped bag with a toilet paper rubbed with gunpowder fuse. Bang. Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:08 pm

Water balloons with food coloring? Kids could wear old clothes and throw them at each other. Not really a *replacement* for fireworks, per se, but another way to have fun on a hot day. Abdel-Aziz Al-Hakim Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:09 pm

Posting Light Sharpener Page 11. Evil Paris Hilton Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:18 pm

Shooting a gun off into the air can be fun and empowering. If you do it at night, you still get a lightshow, much like fireworks! Bono Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:19 pm

go to jail..... Evil Paris Hilton Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:27 pm

Shock and Awe Dick Cheney Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:32 pm

For creative explosions make an MRE Bomb: Remove the heating element from an MRE (avalible at your local Army Surplus store). Put a small amount of water in a resealable plastic bottle (or glass if you hate your neighbors). Insert heating element into bottle and close top. The steam will expand and burst the bottle. Neil Patrick Harris Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:33 pm

arson Martha Stewart Saturday 07th of July 2007 1:41 pm

Dry ice in sealed containers. Your eyes will thank you! Orlando Bloom Saturday 07th of July 2007 2:35 pm

Fireworks are awesome. There is no substitute. Sorry, Dr. Block. And what of the danger of flying balloon fragments? Banging pots and pans? I smell a smashed finger. And we all know that crepe paper kills form people per year than any other rolled decorative product. I suggest roman candles, aimed at your neighbor's roof, to celebrate the birth of our nation. Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:27 pm

Let your kids put a stick of butter in a bowl and melt it in the microwave. Make sure they wear a helmet! Great fun! Oprah Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:33 pm

ooooh, I love to melt stuff! Andy Dick Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:34 pm

Sometimes I pinch my nipples so hard that I see stars! Tara Reid Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:40 pm

Sometimes I pinch my nipples so hard that I see stars! Michael Moore Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:41 pm

Head to the darkest room in your house with a lamp and a bare 100 watt lightbulb. Turn off all the other lights in the room and stare directly at the bulb for 3 minutes 30 seconds. Try not to blink, and don't be afraid to get up close! Finally, shut off the bulb and plunge the room into darkness. Enjoy the brilliant yellow and orange after images! Then go get wasted. Colin Farrell Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:42 pm

Great minds think alike. Morgan Freeman Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:42 pm

My suggestion would using firecrackers rather than fireworks. Know what i'm sayin'? Dytek Guy Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:43 pm

Tie dye a shirt. Use bright colors. Wow, great fun. Will Farrell Saturday 07th of July 2007 3:46 pm

I threw a turkey in the street. Amanda Bynes Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:19 pm

close your eyes and press your eyelids really hard with your fingers. you'll see totally safe fireworks! stop pressing when the white goo starts to trickle down your cheeks. Hillary Duff Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:21 pm

Try the diet coke and mentos fountain. Cheap, easy and it really is pretty safe. The worst injury you could recieve would be some soda in your eye. Hugh Jackman Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:25 pm

Diet Coke and Mentos seems like the obvious one Lindsey Lohan Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:31 pm

Mentos + Diet Cola = Crazy Delicious Martha Stewart Saturday 07th of July 2007 4:39 pm

Grow some balls and let them play with fire. It's the only way they'll really learn what explosizes and fire can do to you. Forbidding them just makes it more appealing and more likeley for them to do it without out you knowing. If you sanction the fireworks you can be there to be sure nobody blows their hands off. Gandalf the Grey Saturday 07th of July 2007 6:24 pm

I've never done it or seen it done, so I can't say for sure, but I imagine that if you ran a fluorescent liquid through a sprinkler over a properly waterproofed black light it would look pretty cool. Dytek Guy Saturday 07th of July 2007 7:22 pm

Cap their ex-wife OJ Simpson Saturday 07th of July 2007 8:17 pm

Patriotic flambe -- after the alochol burns off you can eat dessert, and then drink the remaining alcohol to numb the feeling that you've just celebrated July 4th with flambe instead of fireworks. Charleton Heston Saturday 07th of July 2007 8:47 pm

Fill a tennis ball with match heads and throw it against a brick wall. Johnny Depp Saturday 07th of July 2007 9:16 pm

Wow, what a hag I've become. Even Cher looks younger. Madonna Saturday 07th of July 2007 9:48 pm

I rub a stick against my boney cheeks to start a fire. Then I'm really hot! Hillary Duff Saturday 07th of July 2007 9:50 pm

Gooks rock! Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:09 pm

One year I lit my belly button lint on fire. Burned the shit out of Nancy's head! Michael Moore Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:11 pm

Dumbass, you didn't have to put out the fire with an icepick. Nancy Pelosi Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:13 pm

Nuri Kamal al Maliki something something got a hiccie Nuri Kamal al Maliki Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:19 pm

I always wish my name Jesus. No, parents have call me for Mohammad. So I am pedophile. Mohammad Al-Baradei Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:21 pm

Visit Iraq Nancy Pelosi Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:23 pm

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy, I mean, independence day. 50 Cent Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:35 pm

pipe bomb Gandalf the Grey Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:36 pm

Robert Cockerham, what you don't understand is that most Americans are idiots and just cannot be trusted with fireworks. I wish that everyone were as smart as you, because only then would our country be responsible enough to use fireworks safely and responsibly. Barbara Walters Saturday 07th of July 2007 10:59 pm

Spray oven cleaner on balls of aluminum foil Morgan Freeman Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:03 pm

throw broken mirror splinters into the air. Yay! Ira Glass Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:04 pm

LED THROWIES! http://www.instructables.com/id/E9D2ZJ3FG0EP286JEJ/ (I love goldscott!) Scarlett Johansson Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:40 pm

Rub your eyelids hard and you will see sparkles. Baby. Telly Savales Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:44 pm

Get your sister's hot friend(s) to show her(their) breasts. Then, try to jump a golf cart over a wading pool full of Jell-O. Johnny Knoxville Saturday 07th of July 2007 11:52 pm

According to "How much is inside? Popcorn", watching corn kernels explode is a good substitute! Morgan Freeman Sunday 08th of July 2007 12:55 am

Plain old gun powder. Available in sporting goods stores -- not the hiker/biker type, the fishing rod and guns type -- for about $12-20 per pound. Black powder is more fun than smokeless because it is smokey. Also, propane in ballons (rolled paper makes a nice wick -- not loud but colorful). Even better, pour 1 oz of black powder into a balloon before filling with propane. Sunday 08th of July 2007 1:25 am

Maybe if the Prevent Blindness people are so concerned about saving every child's eyes they should consider carefully preserving each of them in a baby-food jar in my refrigerator. I mean, Prevent Blindness America's refrigerator. No eyeballs in my refrigerator, my goodness, no! But I could give you some good, hypothetical pointers about where you could do it and how to keep them quiet. Use a grapefruit spoon at your peril. Douglas Kuchinich Sunday 08th of July 2007 8:21 am

diet coke and mentos! Iphone Sunday 08th of July 2007 8:43 am

The real fireworks come in November of 2008, when I, Barack Obama, win the presidency of these United States of America. Can I get a Howard Dean scream? Barack Obama Sunday 08th of July 2007 10:03 am

Replace nothing, just add Elton John sunglasses. Jimmy Carter Sunday 08th of July 2007 10:09 am

Shadow puppets! Sean Connery Sunday 08th of July 2007 11:00 am

The ol' coke & mentos tomfoolery OJ Simpson Sunday 08th of July 2007 12:25 pm

masturbation Hans Blix Sunday 08th of July 2007 12:56 pm

Put on one of those old records of the sounds of fireworks and let imaaaaaaagination take over... Cillian Murphy Sunday 08th of July 2007 12:56 pm

Mentoes and Coke Johnny Knoxville Sunday 08th of July 2007 1:05 pm

Nothing beats the sheer thrill that comes from reading about government policy and practices. Haley Joel Osment Sunday 08th of July 2007 1:40 pm

Why would you want to prevent accidents? We need dumb people to act as examples for children. Clint Eastwood Sunday 08th of July 2007 2:17 pm

Children should close their eyes and invision fireworks and the good ol' days when they could watch them. Nancy Pelosi Sunday 08th of July 2007 2:33 pm

Set the neighbor's hair on fire. Yeah, I'm really that much of a bitch. Amanda Bynes Sunday 08th of July 2007 2:56 pm

masterbation!