Advice for Reality Show Contestants

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  • Learn how to digest dirt. And rocks.
  • When you see the cameraman focusing on something behind you, it might be a good idea to look in the bushes before you discuss your top-secret alliance.
  • Constantly cry and/or scream at everyone. You might get voted off but everybody will remember you!
  • Poll people as often as possible about a wide variety of subjects.
  • Don't Perform/Act. The American public may be stupid enough to watch you, but people can tell if you are being "real" or not. You wanna fine tune your acting abilities, audition for a Soap Opera.
  • Bring one pair of underwear for every day of the contest + 5 more pairs for backups
  • Do something better with your life!
  • Be funny on a "larger-than-the-group" scale. Play it up for the people at home. This way even if you get the boot, you can fall back on local talk shows and maybe even a used car lot commercial.
  • Be someone the world wants to have sex with. If you're hot, just stay hot. But if you're not the biggest prize on the beach, do something that pisses off the liberals and/or conservatives. That'll get you noticed and maybe invited to the White House and/or DNC headquarters (quite probably a cave somewhere).
  • Pick another person on the cast and be their opposite as best you can. this provides valuable tension in the show, and can also make way for banterous exchanges between the two of you.
  • Two words: Flame Thrower
  • Remove your clothing as soon as it is feasible.
  • When the next challenge/round of voting is introduced, everyone normally looks somber (with dramatic music to emphasize this). It would be a good idea to liven up these occasions to remind everyone that it isn't the end of the world. Maybe you could jump on a table, lift your arms in the air, and give a hearty shout of "HELL YEAH!" after the host makes a dramatic announcement.
  • If I were a woman, I'd give the producer a blow job. Of course, even though I'm a man, if the prize were a million bucks I'd probably give the producer a blow job anyway.
  • Expect to be staged as a slut, like they did on Joe Millionare. That girl never had any relations with him!
  • Sleep with everyone. EVERYONE.
  • Indulge in cannibalism - if you eat the competition, you can't lose.
  • Don't make a music album. But if you do, make sure you aren't signing some recording contract on the hood of a '75 Firebird in an unlit alley.
  • Wear as few articles of clothing as you can, they'll never vote off the slutty one.
  • Nudity. Nothing brings ratings like bare ass.
  • Be taller than everyone else.
  • Act smart, but not too smart. Do enough to be valuable but not enough to look dangerous. Most importantly, be unique. :)
  • Everyone remembers that one Survivor guy who went naked, but I sure don't remember the other ones.
  • Just like a family, every member has a role. Find out wherever there is a void in roles as people are removed from the game and absorb that role/duty in order for there to be homeostasis. It's best not to take a leadership role too early in the game because people will be gunning for you. Wait for at least one or 2 eliminations before stepping forward. Don't throw your weight around when you are the leader because that causes resentment and creates a power struggle...people won't remember your leadership abilities or your successes, but they will remember how you treated them. Despite the poor examples of reality show winners, it IS possible to win without losing your integrity. Ethan from Survivor won it all in Africa without becoming a backstabber or jerk. It's one thing to win...it's another to win with class.
  • I would do a lot of over-the-top ass-kissing. It's the only way to make it through; be everyone's best friend, even if you hate their guts!
  • Don't eat it.
  • On survuval shows, fake being a Diabetic. They've got to feed you if they don't want an 'unconscious' contestant!
  • No matter what is said or done, always display the "Our Gang" Stimey expression.
  • Extreme, random flatulence.
  • Play the part of the nice guy who helps everyone, but be secretly plotting to get rid of everyone, and only do it when it seems like you are helping everyone else by getting rid of that one annoying guy.
  • Take crystal meth as your "comfort" item or, a spool of barbed wire.

 

  • Market your large breasts and pert, Anniston-esque nipples by accidentally getting your T-shirt wet all the time
  • Be a drama llama, people don't watch reality TV to see people having tea parties.
  • Act gay.
  • Dont stand to close to the fire, and if you do..dont fall in
  • Remember, just be really nice to everyone. Ever see a mean person win the million bucks?
  • I. Plan for staying "on the island"
  • A. Be neither too friendly and nice, nor too horribly mean.
  • i. Being too friendly results in a boring character.
  • ii. Being too mean results in entertainment for a while, but then you get too predictable.
  • B. Be resourceful at first, thereby establishing your role as important.
  • i. Do not be too helpful though, because then you seem too nice.
  • ii. Do not let people know your full value.
  • 1. Then they will get used to you and you will be boring.
  • 2. Wait until a life/job threatening moment occurs, so then you can save the day.
  • iii. Do not portray yourself as a know-it-all. That is very annoying to see on TV.
  • C. Do not have a bad attitude to those in authority.
  • i. This makes you seem like you are not a team player.
  • ii. This will only make team members hate you eventually.
  • iii. No one will want to work with you when you are in charge.
  • D. Do not worry about having a specific strategy until you know what you're up against.
  • i. Adapt your general strategy when you know your team members better.
  • ii. Do not SHARE your strategy with anyone.
  • iii. Do not seem to have an agenda.
  • E. Do not be afraid to try new things.
  • i. Everyone will get annoyed if you are not a risk taker.
  • ii. Producers want the "shock and awe" factor, not the sit back and relax factor.
  • iii. The money is probably worth it.
  • F. Say amusing or ridiculous things.
  • i. These can be looped for humorous footage.
  • ii. The more people hear about you saying it, the more popular you will be.
  • G. Have a catchphrase.
  • i. This can be turned into goofy merchandise.
  • 1. Producers love making money off your stupidity.
  • 2. People love buying stupidity.
  • ii. This will incorporate you in peoples' daily lives.
  • H. Refrain from EVER being in a pornographic video.
  • i. This may cause you to be removed immediately from shows.
  • ii. Sleeping with judges is also not allowed.
  • II. Getting on another show after you have competed on one.
  • A. This is easy as hell.
  • B. Get a real job.
  • Agree with everyone! Whatever they say!
  • If you want screen time, pick one person and decide to disagree with everything they say. This becomes an easy conflict for the producers to highlight, making you a main character.
  • It helps if you are extremely pretty, with the appearance of compassion, but a soul of evil. This particular combination also works really well in everyday life.
  • "Speak softly and carry a big stick" - Theodore Roosevelt
  • boo-ya
  • Don't go on a reality show
  • make sure there is something shocking in your background. It must be something really earth-shattering like you have a two headed baby or you had sex with your sister's girlfriend or something of that ilk. Also, it never hurts to be a virgin, gay, widowed or in a three way marriage. Don't give up this information in the beginning, wait until you are in the live interview then drop it casually in conversation like it is no big deal.
  • If you're an attractive, easy-going, lovable person, make the game about how annoying everyone else is. If you're an ugly fat person, make the game about how you will help other people stay in the game longer. Remember, though, ugly fat person, you will never win. You might help someone else win accidentally, but you will never, ever, ever win, because you are ugly and fat. Perhaps I could have made this more brief. If you are an attractive person, go on reality television! If you are a fat ugly person... do your dishes or something!
  • Show lots of clevage and jump up and down a lot- you won't ever be kicked off.
  • i would kill allegators and fish to become the beloved hunter and therefore avoid possible elimination. and bring/hide a bottle of whiskey in my butt to smugggle into camp to become the camp hero after hours. everyone loves the drunk warrior after a good kill.
  • Select the weaker competitors and secretly eat them. Blame it on your obscure living conditions
  • all reality show viewers love sex scandals, so have sex with as many co-contestants as possible (especially married or elderly ones - for shock value).
  • 1. remember--what you are doing on this show has no real relationship to real reality.
  • know how to fish
  • Remember to always annoy everyone, then make up individually & stab everyone in the back.
  • If you are on a bus a don't want to get off. Take the plot of the movie speed. Put a bomb on the bus , so then the bus would never stop and you'd never have to get off. Also you would scare everyone into following your orders so you'd never get voted to leave.
  • Be able to make up bizarre lies to further yourself in your situation. State your lie and make sure to nodd your head a lot and use convincing facial expressions to get the others to agree with you and hopefully not vote you off or turn against you in a situation. Valarie Ocegueda Alta Loma California
  • Be a bitch but don't overdo it. The most hateable person always gets cut first, but you can't be the nicest person around since that's the second person to get cut.
  • You have to be physically attractive and not appear too shallow. Whatever you're doing, claim you're doing 'for the team'.
  • Even if you sneak off a couple of meals ore two, you can still claim that you're doing for the team's next challenge, so as to not collapse in the middle of it do to your amazing laziness.
  • Do pack a bunch of candy and maybe cigarettes in your underwear, so as to make sure you don't lose it; this will give you a major edge when suddenly, in the middle of say dinner, you bust out a bunch of goodies so you won't be the guy who ate two meals, but the guy who brought dessert.
  • This will guarantee your longevity in the group as long as they don't find out you whipped it all out of your underwear.
  • For Australian reality shows - acting like a dim-witted "larrikin" while constantly mugging at the camera
  • don't do it!!!
  • Don't go on a reality show.
  • get naked. it'll be censored on t.v. so millions of people won't actually see anything, but they'll know you took off your clothes and they might just love you for it.
  • In the beginning, I would avoid being the absolute best while also not being the absolute worst.
  • I would have a good backstory. Something that just tugs on your heart without seeming too pathetic. Maybe a British accent, too; everyone loves those!
  • I would dress so as to be not too overly provocative, but enough to make the opposite sex none-too-eager to get rid of me.
  • Have my "luxury item" be something that everyone can share in, and aren't eager to give up in the case that I am gotten rid of.
  • Find a necessary activity after the first week or two and make sure that I become the absolute best at it.
  • In the case that I *knew* I was going to be eliminated, I would hide the fishingpoles/food/product/whatever and not give them
  • back unless people kept me on the island/in the boardroom/on the ship *one more week*...rinse and repeat.
  • Be a ridiculously hot woman and be the biggest slut possible. If LA is any indication already, it's a guaranteed acting career!
  • Be good at impressions of the host.
  • get naked at least twice a week.
  • (if male, have a sex change), Get really big breast implants, and wander around topless all the time, while complaining that you're only ever viewed as a sex object. (May not work in US reality shows, where baring breasts is a nono, although closeup slowmotion evisceration is perfectly acceptable, in which case, brutally murdering your co-stars and complaining that the producers made you do it might be better)
  • Suicide.
  • Murder the other contestants in their sleep.
  • Reality is not reality anymore, reality moved to a different dimention it seems.
  • Start doing REAL reality again.
  • Don't take things personally, learn a few skills relevant to the show (swimming/canoeing for survivor, how to drive stick for the amazing race, etc).
  • My first advice would be "Get over yourself"!
  • Quit whoring yourself out and fighting. Be nice to everyone else, because everyone is different.
  • Get a real job
  • I would pretend to be mentally handicapped, so the producers would look like insenseative people for kicking me off the show.
  • Even better, mentally handicapped survivor....
  • Always do your homework. Find out the host/producer and dig up as much dirt as possible. If you go down, you're taking them with you!
  • If you're a girl, don't be too pretty. Female viwers will get resentful and vote you off.
  • If you're male, be a screamy, queeny gay bloke. Works very, very well on UK reality shows.
  • Try not to kill anyone or set fire to them at all. This works for me in reality, so it should work in reality TV also.
  • Don't. Just don't do it. Just say "no" before it starts.
  • The library and internet are your friends. Make sure you know how to build a fire BEFORE they drop you on the island with no matches.
  • Have a bizarre sexual secret that you're willing to let slip out. My top tip: Unicorn Chasers.
  • beat up the other contestants
  • Have big boobies and flash them often.
  • hmmm....OK! Got it!...chicita banana woman hat! -Nelson
  • Take my advice, Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
  • Be gay! Homosexuals are universally overrepresented on reality TV. The united states is at most 10% gay. Survivor started with 2 gay men out of 16 contestants (a couple of questionable females). That means survivor is at least 12.5% gay. Real World on MTV generally runs at about one seventh gay or 14%. How much is inside!
  • show t*** every day
  • If you want to be a reality show contestant step back, think about your decision, and if you still want to do it go to your local hardware store. Find the highest quality thick rope, and remember price is no object; you only need about 6 feet. Purchase the rope and find a high branch on a tree, or use the rafters in your momís garage, and hang yourself. We donít need anymore idiots like you running around.
  • Before you write someone's name on the elimination ballot, tear it up into a bunch of smaller pieces and right their name on all of those pieces and put those in the ballot box. That way there would be more votes for the other person than for you and you'll never get eliminated....MuHahahahah!
  • Become an essential part of the household, e.g- cook, cleaner, agony aunt etc. that way the housemates will want to keep you in.
  • Don't lose. Unless you're on The Biggest Loser. Then lose. Loser.
  • Don't lie. Keep faithful to your team. Wear shorts (weather permitting). Be sexy. Be ruthless. Help your team by performing mundane tasks (chopping wood, getting water, etc.) Use a lot of swear words, but don't be vulgar.
  • I tell the others that I have inoperable cancer and express how I don't care about the money because just making friends and enjoying each day means more to me. Then, after I win, I say "I don't have cancer you stupid mo-fos. And I'm going to spend my money on a Hummer and a huge bag of pot."
  • Don't get voted out!
  • Don't go about being the alpha male tearing everyone a new 'one' in competitions, rather play the wounded deer role (minus the whining). If everyone things your cute innocent and vunerable they feel like dicks for voting you out, even if you do not contribute much to the team.
  • *If for any reason you have to resort to cannabalism while on the show, be sure to hide the fact from your fellow contestants.
  • *Make sure to blink no more then once every five to six seconds, more rapid blinking connotates fear and less rapid blinking unnerves individuals around you.
  • *Never stand out too much from the rest of the crowd but at the same time be sure to define a unique aspect to your show persona.
  • If voting other people off the show is involved, do it in a way that doesn't make you look like a Machiavellian a******. This will endear you to the audience, as they will see some hope for humanity, even in the extreme circumstances of a twisted TV show. In addition, the other contestants won't come after you until late in the game, at which point you can just slit their throats while they're asleep and declare yourself the victor.
  • Oh, the cameras, lights, and crewmembers? Yeah, ignore them, you ARE on a remote island with only your group to surive and nobody likes a contract breech.
  • Well beforehand I would have to prepare by taking some surgical training. Then as each progressive episode is filmed, I would cut off an appendage. Probably toes first, then fingers.
  • That way, tension will be high, and everyone will vote to keep me in order to answer the eternal question: ďWill he win, or vanish?Ē
  • Pick fights with people - get into brawls and rip off girls' clothes.
  • Get naked for chocolate.
  • Leave your dignity at home
  • Get rock hard abs and a perfectly tanned and toned body, then make up excuses to take off your shirt. Sweat profusely.
  • In Survivor, and other games with head-to-head challenges, contestants need to devote less time to winning and more time to making the other team lose. The closest example I've seen is when Rupert stole the shoes of the other team in the first episode of a Survivor series. But, there needs to be more stuff like if you paddle out to the buoy with the keys on it first, you not only grab yours but chuck the other team's in the water. When people are blind-folded, trying to pick up the giant pieces of the puzzle, on pair of blindfolded people on your team should be tasked with trying to bump into members of the other team, trip them. Diving for chests of food? Try to drown your opponent! That kind of stuff would help you win and be very entertaining to watch.
  • 1. Learn to start fires without matches, flint, etc. in a very humid environment.
  • 2. Get really buff and skinny for your audition tape and stay that way until you sign the papers. Then gain as much weight as possible before taping.
  • 3. Show moral outrage wherever possible.
  • 4. Be open to a "will they or won't they" relationship with another cast member.
  • 5. If you are a woman considering breast implants, get the expensive kind so puckering is less likely to show when you lose a lot of weight. But be certain to wear an insecure bikini top for that fun blurred-out action.
  • 6. Do NOT show excessive amounts of personality in the form of singing or otherwise trying to boost group morale.
  • 7. Keep your back to the tree. You never know when someone is listening to your secret conversation.
  • 8. Do not bother applying if you are a model/bartender or actress/waitress. You will be voted off long before the merge.
  • 9. Be an entertaining, not belligerent, drunk.
  • Every so often, reveal shocking personal details that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. For example, "I get really turned on by the sight of pickles." or "Who else here has two appendixes?"
  • Tie your tubes slash cut your ***** off. Please don't reproduce.
  • Start by patiently observeing the social interactions of the herd. Follow this by identifing the alpha male, then attempt to disarm his obvious superiority with a unexpected round of violent penis jousting. (i.e. binobo monkeys.)
  • Basically, my strategy would be centered around good personal hygiene. No one wants to keep someone on the island... if they reek.
 

please continue reading page 5 of advice for reality show contestants.

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