- If I were a woman, I'd jump up and down a lot.
- If you're female, be less Ginger and more Mary Anne.
- Be slutty. Having sex with everyone that moves is always a good plan
to stay until at least the second-to-last round.
- Question everything they ask you. "Are you sure want to do
this?" ...You respond with, "Are you sure you want me to be
sure that I want to do this?"
- Try to avoid appearing on reality shows.
- Tease the loser in front of everybody and they'll think you're a
better person in comparison.
- If your team is stranded on an island, you'll win their hearts by
bringing along a television as your luxury item.
- If your team is stranded on an island and one of your teammates is
pregnant, don't smoke a cigarette because that's bad for the baby.
- Have sex strangely and often.
- Die. Please.
- On the amazing race, when everyone starts out, they all stop, read
their clues, then get to the car to start driving. I would run to the
car as fast as I could, block the exit from everyone else, then read
- Stop being annoying, contestants!
- I'd bring chex mix and share. Everyone loves chex mix.
- You'd better be physically fit and like being in the spotlight.
- Caitlin Ocegueda from Alta Loma California says you should, "
Stuff lots of stuff in your pockets before you leave. Wear like two
shirts so you don't have to keep wearing the same one. Wear a hat and
put a roll of toilet paper in your hat."
- Be reeeeeeally good-looking. Also: skinny.
- Don't suck. That's all you have to do to come out a winner.
- tough it out, and don't be so damn overbearing on other contestants
- I would try my best to make everyone as mad as possible, be bossy,
and then do absolutely nothing for anyone else. Then when people tried
to kick me out of the spaceship I would cry my heart out and beg for
forgiveness and repeat what I wrote in the first sentence.
- cleavage, lots of cleavage. Also, scanty clothing and a winning
- Sleep with the camerman/producer/director and everyone else on the
team. That way, if anyone wants to vote you off, they'll no longer
have their daily sex fix. :-)
- Your goal: become a celebrity.
- Key tactic: be hard-working/helpful and quiet. Agree with EVERYONE
else in every conversation you have. Never be the one with ideas. In
your conversations with all other contestants, mimic their speech
patterns and body language.
- You must do this for at least 6 episodes. Then, after the 6th
episode, you can start to be the complete opposite. Become a wingnut.
Be evil. Try to hook up with another contestant. Do this for another 4
episodes. This is where you become a celebrity.
- After that... who cares? If you really want the money, go back to
keeping your head down.
- Nudity, in any form, will always help.
- Always lie to everyone. I dont care how useful or life saving the
truth might be, lie. Then lie some more. Keep them guessing.
- If someone really starts hating you, and might be a threat, take
them aside and tell them you want to be friends. Then break down and
tell them about a traumatic event in your childhood. (This could be
made up. In fact, I recommend making it up.)
- Then tell him/her you've never told anyone about it before.
- If that doesnt work, stab them in the eye.
- Appear confident, but not arrogent.
- On the first day, kick the crap out of the biggest person there.
Even if its the host.
- COnstantly make vague allusions to the orphanage where you
"grew up" and how, if you when, you'd be able to get the
children dental care.
- If none of this works, go crazy and kill as many contestants as
possible. You may get disqualified, but you'll be remembered forever
as the first person to go crazy and kill people on a reality show.
Plus, the families of the people you killed get to sue the show, you
- When you need some privacy, just get naked and stand full frontal to
the camera so they can't use your image on air.
- Drink as much as possible that way you can look and feel your best
when on camera.
- If you are a male make sure that you are wearing a backwards
baseball cap at least 80% of the time and also wear a Puka shell
necklace. We dont see that ENOUGH!
- For women, make sure before you go on camera that you have a tattoo
of something on your lower back. This way the world knows you are an
original because you have that same tattoo in that same place. Also,
try and get your hair two different colors.
- And most importantly, make sure you tell the world your problems.
Everybody loves hearing that.
- My advice for reality-show contestants would be to have some unique
or special talent that would make the producers loathe to replace or
elimnate you, something that viewers come to love/expect/or even hate,
perhaps, but hate in that love/hate way.
- Know how to juggle, or do magic, or ride a unicycle, or do really
complex origami, or play a banjo. But something family-friendly.
Something that if they got rid of you, the viewers would say
"hey, where's the juggling guy?" NOT "hey, I'm glad
they got rid of the guy who can snort a quarter up his nose and spit
it out his mouth". -Mike the muffuletta guy
- I think the more important issue here is that you need to get rid of
that beard. It looks retarded. Sans beard, you're almost hot. That
is..when you're being funny and nerdy. You don't do that very much
anymore. Rob..what happened to you??
- Try not to suck at challenges. Your team will hate that.
- Don't be good at challenges. Individuals will hate that.
- Don't have suggestions for how your tribe can succeed. People will
think you're trying to be a leader, and leaders get voted out.
- Have some suggestions! If you don't, people will think you're trying
to ride on someone else's coattails.
- And if you think you're going to lose, try making out with the
person who is going to win. It worked for Rob and Amber.
- Get a real job and stay home. Reality shows are for losers, except
the Mole. It rocked.
- If you are an overweight gay male, be sure to show your junk as much
- Start banging the hottest cast-member.
- Fake boobs or at least Botox are vital to your reality show success,
as are turns of phrase such as "bitchin'" or "skank-a-lank."
- Don't forget, YOU ARE IN FRONT OF A CAMERA. If you do or say
something ignorant, embarassing, regrettable, et cetera... not only
will ALL your friends/lovers/co-workers/employers/family members see
it; but there will be a PERMANENT RECORD available to anyone who cares
to look for it at anytime in the future.
- lie like a fox
- The ability to ferment local plantlife and produce into alcohol
whould make you an instant island hit.
- When you read the contract terms, pay attention to what they're NOT
saying. If you agree to allow ducks in your home, expect to find ducks
in your bed, in your cereal and, just for good measure, all your
interior walls painted with puree of duck. I'm just saying...
- When in front of the camera, behave as if all other contestants are
keeping secrets from you. This way viewers will be left in suspense
about when you'll discover what these secrets are.
- I would sleep with every hot chick I could find, and if there were
none, then I would simply die.
- If your teammates fall down and get hurt, offer to "kiss their
- Don't pass out and fall face-first into the camp's fire.
- Learn how to make fire without matches.
- You have no chance competing with the hottest person on the show.
You may as well give up and save yourself the hassle.
- Give your teammates "puppy dog eyes" whenever they mention
that they're thinking about voting you off the show.
- At night, when you're all about to go to sleep, refrain from making
sexually-based jokes about others in the tent.
- If you get voted off of the show, just come back the next day
anyway. They'll appreciate your determination and work ethic and
perhaps consider letting you back in the game.
- By not losing.
- Don't try to be invaluable or loveable. We The People have no desire
to see that. What we want is squabbling, back stabbing, and bitchery.
Be cold, be callous, be cruel.
- Don't be the first to take a leadership position.
- Sleep with anyone you can - fellow contestants, the producers,
cameramen, soundmen, passers-by, members of the studio audience,
people voting for you, whoever. It can't harm your chances, unless
abstinence is one of the rules. And let's face it, they'd never make a
show where abstinence was one of the rules.
- Act like a paraplegic, that way everyone will feel sorry for you and
you'll win. It will also give the show that new 'edge' that the
producers are looking for.
- Shave your ******
- If you make it to the last two on the island, it's simple: promise
each and everyone voting/choosing between you and the other person a
cool 10 grand of the prize money if you win. I don't watch Survivor,
has anyone done this yet?
- Be a whore. That' will get the fans behind you.
- I think being the guy that knows all kinds of inane facts, and loads
of philosophic blab, would be good for success. Like, no matter what
anyone asks you, you can make a long-winded answer, even if it's
- Kill off the other contestants.
- Develop(sic) 3 to 5 witty catchphrases and say them as often as you
can. The network will exploit them at every comercial break. This way,
Even if you loose the game, you can still make a million selling
lame-o t-shirts. Win-win all the way to the bank.
- Undoing just one more button on your shirt can make a huge
- Loud, obnoxious, and overly opinionated are your friends, be them.
- You must always play by your stereotypic roles.
- Robot dancing. All day. Every day.
- If I were on Survivor, I would savagely murder the other
- When all else fails, drop your pants and yell 'whose your daddy?'
- I would be extremely good looking!
- Do not be a leader
- Be angry. Producers love angry.
- Be angsty. Producers love angsty.
- Under no condition should you be a normal human being.
- It's good to be unreasonably attractive.
- Try to be naked as much as possible. Men or Women.
- Bring a Shotgun or rifle to the show, and simply rock back and forth
whilst stroking the weapon. If anyone tries to speak to you, simply
reply "Soon your time will come" or "I DIDNT EAT THE
- At every moment, think to yourself, "Could I be doing something
less dignified?" If the answer is yes, alter behavior
- eat as many bugs as you can
- Make sure nobody but the producers know your name. That way, noone
will ever know who you are to write down a name on a parchment. As a
Corrolary, don't learn anyone else's names... write what someone tells
you to write and everyone will think you're a good follower.
- For Big Brother contestants..... When masturbating (as you would
eventually need to do..), do not try to disguise this fact by hiding
your pride behind a sheet or towel. you should lie spread-eagle in the
middle of the lounge room and whack as hard and openly as possible.
they will never show this on TV, however they may show images that
insinuate the act... Daniel M...
- Develop a strategy that splits households. Get your way by abusing
whatever level of status you may have, treating those around you like
they only exist to further your cause. The reality show fan will
admire them for their sense of leadership and ability to accomplish
tasks. Their viewing partner who prefers to deal with actual reality
will spend the duration of the show wishing a harsh and arguably
reasonable hardship to fall upon said contestant while simultaneously
re-evaluating the relationship with their normally well adjusted
girlfriend/wife/sibling/friend, thus providing the network with the
valuable tangible viewer response and ensuring said contestant an
extended stay on "insert title here."
- don't bother
- Remember that future employers may be watching the show. Or they may
download the show after interviewing you. Also, do not title your
webpage "An Unforgettable Business Genius" if you are booted
off The Apprentice early in the season. (www.toral-mehta.com)
- Be extremely kind to cameraman and fellow crew. When you are kicked
out of the rickshaw, they will feel sorry for you and you can convince
them to have a sort of "Revenge" show where you return from
- During the interviews, tell the producers that you have used your
website to generate input for a winning strategy. Inform the producers
that the ideas you have recieved will dictate your strategy during the
- give every one else food posining and win by defalt
- Don't do teh *********.
- Be sure to make it known that you're not one to take crap of any
kind from anyone. Lie to everyone and then accuse other people of
stabbing you in the back.
- don't sleep with the enemy
- DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK!!!
- I'd be the person that everyone forgets about, and then BAM! Every
- I'd also be intregal, because I know random crap. Can't throw out
the resourceful girl. I'd suggest going on periodic wikipedia trips to
beef up on useless, disconnected knowledge.
- I'd be eccentric, too, and in a non-threatening way, so everyone
will love me.
- It's foolproof, I tell you!
- Have an English accent.
- Use the phrase, What a tangled web we weave! every hour.