|Page 1, 2, 3, 4|
|Tuesday, January 22, 2003|
for years i've seen these stupid ads and have ALWAYS wondered what they were
about, but luckily was not stupid enough to waste my money to find out,
altho i always thought about doing it just to find out - CURIOSITY KILLED
Well you've put an end to my curiosity!!!!
Well done on your detective work...and I will pass yur link on to my entire
email database and spread ur message.
Daryl (Cape Town,South Africa)
Subject: clone army
|Your site is one of the best I've
come across. I came across it accidentally when one of my friends liked to
you on his weblog. Since then I can't stop checking out your site. It's
like smack, but without the horrible loss of friends, money and teeth. You
keep me laughing at work, and have filled my brain with even more useless
trivia as to how much is inside things. Keep up the fanatbulous job!
I just read your "investigative" report on the Herbalife scam and the "work from home" sign epidemic. I just emailed it to my Husband. We were just about to call the "independent distributor" back today that I had been speaking with to get started. I am almost embarrassed to admit it. Anyway, you saved us from a lot of lost money, aggravation and self respect.
In my case I was pulled into this "secret" success scam by viewing the "work from home system" website on the net. After doing exactly what you described up until actually purchasing the start up package, I was starting to believe it wasn't a total scam. I usually NEVER believe in any of those "work at home" ads, but they have a real system for hooking people like lake trout. The people who really do need the extra income. I feel like such a jerk because after speaking to this distributor, a girl from western Michigan, she really had me convinced it was worth it, even though she "neglected" to inform me of the details in which you provided.
The sad thing is that I never once took into consideration all of those awful signs. I live in Northern New Jersey and they are EVERYWHERE here too. And they are polluting the streets, the colored water filled plastic bags was too funny. But sad. Anyway, thank you again for bringing me back down to "reality"....Have a peaceful and happy New Year!!!
Rose from Jersey....
I really enjoy your site. My cat, however, was not amused (see pic).
In all fairness, she cops this attitude towards most anything not realted to
food or spiders.
To follow the 'Crucified Upside down' :
Whilst being crucified upside down, your legs are torn open by the spikes that were nailed through them, causing your legs to fall infront of your face, breaking your back, leaving you paralyzed. Slowly, the weight of your body rips the stakes through your forearms. You fall limply to the ground. While crumpled on the ground like a rag doll, like a scarecrow without the straw, maggots enter the oozing crevasses created by the iron stakes. Lucky you, you’re paralyzed & feel nothing. Slowly, day after day, they feed on your nutrient rich tissue. Below the elbow, no arm remains. Below the knees, no legs remain. The maggots steadily progress toward your torso. Lucky for you, the overnight frost kills them off. The next day when it warms up, they begin to feed again. And the process repeats day after day until you are but a heap of bones. Lucky you.
|Subject: Noble Causes List
Just wondering if you were planning on adding more WWW links to this list.
It would be my pleasure to do all the homework for you, and the cutting
and pasting of URLS, if you are interested.
Just came across your "Great Gastronomic Vegemite Experiment" as I was browsing some sites.
Just thought I'd give a little tip on where you probably went wrong and why you couldn't spread it anywhere near thin enough. You didn't use butter/margarine! LOL!
You really need to put a layer of either butter or margarine on the bread first. This facilitates the spreading of the vegemite, so that you can get it thin enough to taste good. If you put vegemite onto dry bread, it's going to go on way too thick every time. You really need it thin to the point of being quite streaky with the marge. If ya really need pictures to describe it better, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Anyway, I'm sure you're sick to death of hearing about vegemite, and that every man, woman and child has emailed you with information. Just thought I'd add to the chaos. :-)
|Hello Rob !
I saw your web page and red about your trip to the Balkans. Unfortunately you have seen nothing of what is called Bulgaria. I totally agree with what you wrote : "Boy, Bulgaria is beautiful when you go out of the city...". You should come to Bulgaria again some day. Here are some interesting places that I think you will be interested in :
- the ancient churches in town of Nesebar (near Nesebar is the resort Sunny Beach and if you go there in the summer you'll have a great time)
- the city of Varna, where the oldest gold treasure in the world was found dated from about 6000 years B.C.
- the town of Pliska, once also capital of Bulgaria; there can be seen the remains of the old fortress (North-East from town of Shumen)
- the Horseman engravement near the vilage of Madara which is more than 1000 years old (East from Shumen)
- the fortress Tzarevetz, which was the capital of what is called Second Bulgarian Kingdom. It is situated in the city of Veliko Tarnovo.
- the Dryanovski monastery and the cave Bacho Kiro just after the town of Dryanovo
- the town of crafts Etara (actually it is not a real town) situated just after the town of Gabrovo and Sokolovski monastery just over it (you should see it in spring or summer when all the flowers in the garden are bloomed)
- the Shipka peak in the Balkan mountain
- the towns of Koprivshtitza and Panagyurishte
- the Rila (especially the 7 Rila's lakes) and Pirin mountains and of course the Balkan (I understood that you like hiking, so I think you'll just fall in love with these ones)
- the town of Bansko - beautiful resort not only in the winter, when you can go skying, but also in the summer when there are a lot of cultural events, like a jazz festival for example
- the town of Melnik, who is famous for its strange location and its wines
- the cave Snejanka in the Rodopi mountain
...and of course many many more...
By the way no one wants to admit that there had been Bulgarians in Europe and Asia some 35 000 ago. You will find almost nowhere real facts about Bulgaria and Bulgarians. You will ask why ? Just think about where the word "vulgar" came from. Nowadays you can find it in almost any language. Historians from Byzantium and Greece called that way some people, also known as Thracians
,Huns, Scythians, Hunors...and so on, and who had enormous cultural and political influence in the whole Europe and Asia.(here are some facts - Universitato Bulgaro was the first university in Europe, found in 1119 in Bolonya; the old name of Volga river was Bolga; the Chinese's calendar and astrological sighs are actualy taken from the Bulgarians - that is 100% proven) Just think about it.
Hey man, I LOVED your article on the Herbalife!!!! WOWW. It has been long since I've last read with so much interest. I was jusp approached by someone who offered that I become a distributor of Herbalife, promising thousands of monthly income. Instead, I emailed him the link to your article. I don't think I will ever hear from her again!
I think your article should be emailed indiscriminately!
keep up the good work.
|Hi, I'm a long-time Cockeyed reader who wishes he lived near a Safeway.
I've never actually emailed before, mostly because I don't usually email
much, but since you asked people to just send stuff in, here's a scan of a
dollar bill I found whose serial number starts with the sequence "L337".
Just thought it looked cool. o_O
|Subject: Clone Army
|I received scintillating information today that there
is more to life than drugs.
There is sex and music. Literature, food, art, an
entire world of wonder......
Then I had a striking realisation that maybe this was
just the drugs talking......
Meanwhile, atop Mauna Kea, scientists contemplate what the
be like without Cockeyed.com.
Moments later, the horror of this thought forces them to emigrate to Canada, and drink themselves to death
|Great site...lots of fun.
So, the favour I need pricing on: (note, Canadian spelling for favour, yeah,
I think it's silly too but my spell checker doesn't accept "favor")
I'm at home, asleep at 2:00 in the morning when I hear an annoying ringing
noise. I think "what the hell is that" but before I figure it out it goes
away, so I go back to sleep. 2 minutes latter, it's back, I think "that
sounds familiar, what is it?", but it goes away so I go back to sleep. 1
minute later it starts again and I realize, it's my phone!!!. I answer and
hear my drunken best friend saying "hey Shteve, I'm in Mon'real, I mished
the last bussh, any ideash where I could crash for the night?". Now, I
don't live in Montreal, I live in Ottawa. So does he. Neither of us knows
where to crash in Montreal. I say so, and he says "izz OK, I'll shleep in
the park." I have a vision in my head...it's my best friend getting rolled
in Montreal. I realize he wouldn't have called if he didn't want me to come
and get him. We arrange a place to meet and I say I'll be there in 1-1/2
hours (note: this requires exceeding the speed limit by a good 35% the
entire way there, no big deal for me actually but still....). The last
thing he says is "I'll buy you breakfast at Schwartz's Smoked Meat".
Schwartz's is absolutely the best smoked meat in Montreal and it's open 24h.
So I get dressed, I get in my car and I drive very, very fast. At some
point I narrowly miss running over a fox. I get to Montreal, find my way to
the meeting place (le Musee des beaux-arts, great place, you should check it
out http://www.mbam.qc.ca/a-sommaire.html) and there he is, passed out on
the front steps, it's 3:45 in the morning. I pour him into the front seat
and the only intelligible thing he says is "sorry man, Schwartz's is closed"
before reclining the seat and going straight back to sleep! I drive around
Montreal looking for a coffee shop, since I NEED coffee (I'm sure you can
relate). I finally find an open coffee shop, buy a extra large,
double-double and get back in the car. I take one sip and it's NUCLEAR
FRIGGIN' HOT. I set it down, and point the car back towards Ottawa. A half
hour latter, buddy wakes up, say's "mmmmm, coffee" and downs half the cup,
before realizing it's still NUCLEAR FRIGGIN' HOT (aren't Styrofoam cups
grand?), and spitting out the rest. He burns himself but still goes
directly back to sleep. Fifteen minutes later he wakes up again and does
exactly the same thing. I'm still an hour away from my nice warm bed,
driving what is possibly the most boring stretch of road outside Kansas, and
I have no coffee.
So...what am I owed (please multiply by 1.5 to get Canadian funds)?
On another note:
How much is inside a bar of soap? How many washings do you get out of a bar
of soap before it becomes a useless sliver? It's a mystery that needs
solving and I think you're the guy to do it. I suspect there will be lots
of soapy shower shenanigans (isn't alliteration fun) so choose your
With respect and much admiration:
Steven K. Jones
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada...which is close to Montreal, but not very. And
yes, it's bloody cold this time of year.
After reading your little traffic ticket experience, I thought I'd share
my brush with the law...
I was cited for speeds of 72 Mph in a 55 mph zone. (I was in a hurry,
and quite honestly was doing close to 80 when I spotted the cop)
It seems here in louisville, the fine for speeding 17 miles over the
limit is around $40.00, but they also tack on a mandatory $101.XX fine
for court costs, whether or not you go to court. (Apparently it costs a
lot for them to record "PAID" in their computer.) Fine.
When I went to the courthouse to pay my fine, I was offered the chance
to go to traffic school so that I wouldn't get any points against my
license. I would still have to pay court costs, but not the speeding
fine. So I agreed and handed the lady my bankcard to pay. (I hardly
ever have more than $30.00 on me.) This is when I was informed that I
would have to pay $10.00 for using a credit/bankcard.(The ticket stated
I could pay with a credit card, had a place for your card # and
expiration if you wanted to mail it in, and did not mention any
additional charges for accepting them.) Ok, FINE.
So I get the traffic school form in the mail. I have to return the form
telling them which location and what time schedule I'd like to attend,
along with $15 for the class. The $15 has to be either a certified
check or money order--no personal checks. (I'm not sure why. I was
ticketed for speeding--not for writing bad checks). Or course, money
orders are a dollar or two on top of the amount they are made out for.
Starting to get annoying, but ok, FINE then.
So I stop at my friendly gas station yesterday, fill up on gas, and ask
for a money order in the amount of $15. I go to hand the gal behind the
counter my card and she says "Oh, you can't pay for this with a credit
card" So I was forced to withdraw money from the atm located in the gas
station and be charged $2.50 in atm fees.
So, to sum it up:
I paid $101.XX for court costs when I didn't go to court.
I paid $10.00 because I used my bankcard. (Which makes the transaction
as convenient for them as it does for me)
I paid $15.00 to go to traffic school.
I paid an extra dollar or two for a money order instead of writing them
a personal check (even though there is no evidence to prove I have a
habit of writing bad checks.)
AND I paid $2.50 because they wouldn't accept my card, (even though it
was good, because if it wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to use it in
the first place.)
I've been reading your website for years now and I've come to the conclusion
that you rock! If you're ever in the Denver area, let me know and I'll buy
you a beer! (But only one, seeing as how I'm freaking-a unemployed)
So its email/attachment appreciation week? I have nothing better to send, so
appreciate this wonderful attachment!
|Jeremy's attachment was the only one I omitted.|
|Hello there, sir.
I simply had NO IDEA that there such interesting individuals here in this
Sacramobobble. I thought all the neat people lived inside the internet. Huh.
Go fish! Thanks for all the mighty hits an' such.
Setting things on fire is ALWAYS in season,
Dear Mr. Cockerham,
I think I am in love with you. Would you please consider moving to New York City to marry me?
goin to mardi gras in New Orleans and Buying a Paper Shredder on Mastercard to make confetti in your hotel room...then return the Paper Shredder for cash back...the day after Fat Tuesday.
|Hi Rob- I am a Herbalife distributor and a very succewssful one. So are all of my team. Whats your pathetic life about- complaining about successful people and companies- herbalife- Mark Hughs and the products are Brilliant- you however, are so busy complaining about everyone elses success and making money of them whos the scam- you are idiot.
Your research is pathetic, and all you do is stop real people having a go and making money- want to interview someone- Interview me- Ill tell you the truth
Natalie & Joe, Australia
Just a quick note of thanks for this website! I heard a commercial about "work from home" on our christian radio station and did end up purchasing the "decision package" and spoke to "my coach" that sent me the info. I found that the next step was to spend $379 plus $20 shipping and handling for the distributor package. I DID NOT go that far. I figured research was permitted at this point before giving them anymore money. That is how I came across your site. This was the exact info I was looking for. All my questions were answered. What an amazing way get people to do the "dirty work".
Anyway, thanks again for the info.....I am getting my money back by sending back their materials. They gave me a 30 day money-back guarantee.
Hope your letter to your Mayor was helpful.
Take care- Kristine
Two years- and my aim is to represent Herbalife on the Medical advisory board. We would not have a life without Herbalife- it has changed my health, my mental approach to life and my financial status- severley. I was a clinical nurse specialist- and that nearly killed me and left me financially struggling- 4 degrees in health and I was a wreck- Please please- take a look at what you are doing- no-one said Herbalife was perfect- just the best chance for the average person to make their own life fun, exciting, healthy and financial- is that such a bad thing?
G'day Mr cockeyed man,
I dont remember how i found your website but my whole life changed when i did. The first article i read was "How much is inside Tobacco", and it was truly a trancindental experience. I fell out of my chair laughing.
You provide a service of such indescribable good for mankind. You are the saviour of the WWW.
You inspired my friends and i to copy your "How much is inside a Keg". Unfortunately i passed out before i could find my Digicam....
Anyway, best of luck for the future, hope you come Down Under some time.
PS: i had an idea for one of your articles: "How much is inside a Woman" Imagine that...
Your "How Much is Inside?" website is inspiring!
I am recently un-employed in the new economy and need a way to occupy myself.
You guys are just great, but I guess what I really want to know is about your very photogenic friends, Brooke and Jennifer - are they available for a long-distance short-term and/or short-sighted relationship?
If not, where did you find them? (I want to place my order soon.)
|Oh, Rob, we didn't mean to leave out Jane ... she's a doll!
Well, I don't know if I'll get much sleep now - after all of the laughter - it's got me all wound up ... well, yeah, that's it - probabaly nothing to do with your babes. :)
Subject: Clone Army
I can't wait to stick it to the The Man ... and back of my card!
|Wednesday, January 23rd, 2003|
|Please pass this to everyone in your address book.
To All: We have a store manager (Costco) from Smithtown, NY who has a 9 year old daughter that has been missing for 2 weeks. Keep the picture moving on. With luck on her side she will be found.
I am asking you all, begging you to please forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. My 9 year old girl, Henrietta Brown, is missing. She has been missing for now two weeks. It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone anywhere knows anything, please contact me at: email@example.com I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!! It only takes 2 seconds to forward this on. If it was your child, you would want all the help you could get. Thank you for your kindness. Hopefully you can help us. I am including a picture of her. All prayers are appreciated!! It only takes 2 seconds to forward
I found your website while I was looking for some info about ebay free
electronics scam. Your website is absolutely amazing! The funniest & most
friendly contents I've ever seen. It really is funny, yet not rude - I like
your sense of humor. In addition, I found this link on google while I was
Credits belong to the site owner, whom I don't even know. It contains the
complete text everyone gets when they buy the scam auction. Hope it would
be useful for cockeyed.com visitors. Well, keep up the good works :)
I am sending this e-mail to everyone that I can think of.
You may have a virus.
Someone I know has the W32.Yaha.F@mm virus.
It is an e-mail virus that sends copies of itself to everyone in your address book. I forges the header though, so you can't see who really is sending you the virus. Mine appears to be coming from "micheal floyd <firstname.lastname@example.org>." That's a bad e-mail address.
I've gotten hundreds of copies sent to me. Norton Antivirus has been catching it, but if you have an older copy, it will bypass your antivirus software and turn it off.
There is more information and a tool to remove the virus here: http://email@example.com
I think the infected computer is left on all night, as I had about 70 copies of the virus waiting for me when I got up this morning. If you are getting the virus sent to you too, let me know. Perhaps we can figure out who is infected by figuring out who knows all the people getting sent infected e-mails.
Thanks for your time.
Biznerds Consulting Group
When are you gonna hook up with ur cutie assistant Brooke Pannell? Ur darling legions of fans wanna know how much luv is inside a Cockerham!
hey rob, i was just looking through your '1000 pictures of ambur'
section - i looked at all 1000 pictures! It's interesting to see one
person's life documented it detail like that, even for a couple of
I have a digital camera as well, I try to take a couple of pictures a
day (i've only had it a month), and i post every day's pictures to my
I just have a quick question - what's the name of ambur's band?
my name is Jesus V.
I was just surfing the Web and I came up with your website cool!
great job in creating the Satan sculpture really great stuff.
do you have more sculptures?
I have lots of monster sculptures that I made out of paper. if you would like to see them I will send you pictures.
keep in touch.
I have been an adoring fan of cockeyed.com for over a year now. I can't
remember how I found your site, but it is bookmarked as one of my favorites.
Being a chemist and working at a state university, I most enjoy your
science club episodes. Some people around here don't see the humor in them,
but find them quite amusing. Keep up the good work! Oh yah, some question
my character when "cockeyed.com" appears in the drop down address menu of my
browser. They think it's porn.
|Well all I have to say is that you better be grateful
because that took me about an hour to write.
I swear I am the next woody allen/obsessive x-file fan
or something. I will be great one day and rule this
world of infidels (that word is the greatest singular
word that I have ever said...::sniff:: quite moving too
I must say). And you my friend will own the only copy
of my first insane ranting ever!!! Stand tall and cower
Hope you had fun with it!
| I came across your site about two years ago and was blown away. I love
most of your work. I find it educationally enriching yet silly and child
like. I appreciate all the work that you do and the documentation with
photos of each new endeavor you take on. I am an elementary school teacher
and have used several of the things that you have taught me in my classroom.
Such as don't try the refill cartridges for printer ink because they are
messy and may not work right. I look forward to each new tid bit you
produce. Keep up the good work. Oh my favorites are when you take signs
and make them dirty and see how long they go unnoticed. I laughed out loud
when you had those. The "Apple Pie" was the best.
|Dear Mr. Cockerham
I have been a big fan of yours for months. I count among one of my most
prized possessions the autographed counterfeit money from your How Much is
Inside a Million Dollars adventure. I heartily enjoy the How much is Inside
segments. However, my favorite feature is the Incredible Creations section.
I was so impressed with it in fact that it inspired me to build my own
incredible creation, a home-made diving helmet. The helmet was constructed
using a large water bottle and an old air compressor. I have included pictures
of the device named The Kursk.
With fondest regards,
Geoff C, Fort Worth TX
P.S. My friend Daniel T is shown wearing and operating The Kursk; I'm the
My name is Sue.
My friend told me about some spring shoes that his barber wears and I am wondering if you know where or what the name of the company is that is in El Paso, Tx?
Your shoes look like fun!
Ummmm. You have a terrific website, sir.
Here's an email you probably haven't gotten yet. I am a 19 year old student
from Canada who loves hockey, yet I live far away from a NHL team. I really
want to see a game, and next month I have a break from school. I can fly with
airmiles anywhere in the USA or Canada for free. I can afford a ticket to the
game and food and other stuff, however I am a student, and can not afford a
hotel for a few nights.
So I started with the friends and family search, that ended when I realized
everyone I know lives within a 10 mile radius of me. So, while going through
my favorites list, I saw your site, and remembered you live close to San Jose,
home of the Sharks. Anyways, seeing as how you are a big time celebrity,
atleast on the internet, I doubt you would want to help me out, but if you do,
I can offer a wide selection of unique Canadian memorabilia in exchange for
PS- I really am a fan of your site. I found your site a long time ago when
searching for people's trip reports to Europe, and I have been hooked since.
Me and my friends heard of reader appreciation week and rushed to deliver.
So we built the very first idea that popped up...rocket skates. Yeah we know it's a rip off of Jackass but they ripped it off from Wiley Coyote so its okay to steal a stolen idea.
We first realized the need for rocket skates when are parrot first escaped. You might thinks it is odd to use rocket powered anything in hopes to catch a 'live' bird but we were fed up and the bird deserved anything that happened to him.
Four wheels of high powered goodness. The project in itself was simple. We had some old rollerblades and a few model rocket engines and duct tape. With some clever taping, Chris managed to secure the rockets to the skates ensuring a smooth gliding motion rather than a pair of free flying death missiles.
Since we using a duel set of rockets Chris thought it best to use to launchers instead of just one. No argument from me since it would mean less chance of a failed ignition. I was care to squat low. I didn't want the force of the rockets to knock me back on my ass. but as soon as we hooked up we launched.
There was a lot of smoke but no movement. Chris said he was afraid that might happen so were making plans to purchase some bigger rockets from a hobby store.
That's all so far for are rocket skate adventure but there is more to come.
if you want details go to www.angelfire.com/punk2/imjustagirlnamedtom/ (popups) details will be posted here.
we have more adventures to come including how much is inside a human bladder.
I don't know you but I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed your on line "demo" of the hummingbird.
i am anxious to try a little paper mache soon.
|A random quote to fill up space:
"You voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession"
I just want to thank you for your investigation regarding Herbalife. I too, have been a victim with investing into "other" companies without really doing my homework.
You certainly have done yours. About two days ago, I heard an impressive radio ad for workparttime.com and inquired about it because I have been searching for the "right" home-based business. Ordered the $9.95 "decision package" (which is updated now according to your photos) and realized right away it was Herbalife. The reason I knew was the key words "decision pacakge and mentor". Dumb me ordered the package (that's on your sight) over 3 years ago from one of those "signs", but paid $39.95 and didn't return it.
I will be sending it this package back tomorrow for a refund.
Your article was very enlightening.
|Something Awful - The Internet Makes You Stupid look in the archives for the january 23rd front page. scroll down to 'the princess is north' im pretty sure thats your pic. funny stuff.. :-P|
Just wanted to send you a quick note to congratulate you on an excellent piece of work with the Herbalife story.
I found your website this morning after deciding to do a bit of research on a piece of junkmail my wife and I received at our home in Brisbane, Australia. The junkmail - a small flyer promoting www.thesixtyminute.com - told the story of a single mum who had achieved untold wealth and freedom by working from home. My wife is a bit bored with her job at the moment and has spoken a lot lately of starting her own business, so this really caught her eye. Being a skeptic I asked her to give me a bit of time to check it out before she did anything.... thank God I did!!
I would like to think I would have found something eventually to uncover the truth, but your story was a huge help. One only needs to take your advice and look up Herbalife in the phonebook; there are scores of 'distributors' in Brisbane alone, and we are not a very big city!!
Anyway well done, I will be telling anyone who listens to check out your story and spread the word.
Saw you were posting all the emails you got this week. Here's a
contribution from the All Too Flat geeks. We managed to get this e-mail
in before midnight on the 22nd. Thank god for Pacific Time!
(note: we did 33.33 each, so that's why some say 33 haiku and not 100)
Hope you enjoy!
1. Paper Mache Elvis
It's paper mache
Not sure how the King would feel
But I was impressed
You have no idea
How bored I can be at work.
I read LGF
3. What's the question?
Marching with Commies?
ANSWER is not the answer
Unless you like Mao
My lone source of joy
During a five-hour workday.
It's Cockeyed dot com
I'm writing these 'poems'
while waiting for some (late) friends.
God I'm hungry
6. Maybe 18
How many of these
Do you think Rob will get through?
I say seventeen
7. Do these make me look fat?
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch bitch.
That's how my girl sounds.
I wish US beer
didn't look like horese urine.
German beer is dark.
9. That math doesn't work out:
Will this work at all?
Averaging 5 per hour...
I'll be done in May
My phone is awesome.
Calls, email, wireless web,
and soon - even porn.
I got nothing but net
That was me - out by the arc.
By 'me' I mean 'Nash.'
12. "Feels Like" Temperature
I walked from the train
Now the inside of my mouth
is a sheet of ice
13. Our site
It comes up so huge,
That it has five syllables:
Alltooflat dot com.
Screaming orange sign:
"Thirty pounds in fifteen days"
Something I wonder:
Does Rob read Missed Connections
for San Francisco?
16. When I think about you...
I have a question
How much is too much?
17. This Really Happened
In case you wondered,
Right here is why I strike out:
"Boobies. I mean, hello."
18. I'm just talking 'bout Frank, baby
Zappa rocks my world
No, I don't mean Moon Unit,
nor even Dweezil
19. Everyone down to 8th St.
It's been far too long
Since I've slid into fishnets -
Let's do the Time Warp
20. To The People Upstairs
I: No, I Won't Drop The Volume Look, in the
middle Of the night, do I ask you to drop your baby?
21. To The People Upstairs II: Lovin' From the Oven
And another thing:
What the hell is with that smell?
Sweat socks for dinner?
22. You Know, Like Wolverine
I read comic books.
Sometimes, I really wish that
I had lycra pants
Is it a big deal?
Why is everyone so shocked
That I'm not Jewish?
24. What's up with that?
How pissed off am I?
Finally meet a girl who reads,
She won't date goyim.
25. In the good ole' days
Nets were for fishing
And hoops were for hula'ing.
Now I watch Kings games
I have made a pact
In order to get these done
Can't pee 'til thirty.
27. Jennifer Connelly in Requiem For a Dream
Didn't expect that
Remember her in Lab'rinth?
Oh, she'll come alright.
28. Why Astoria supermarkets are better than Bushwick supermarkets The
finest thing is Aisle after sweet aisle Of things that aren't Goya
29. Talking Heads
It's a strange effect.
David Byrne is both cooler
and geekier than me.
30. It's Actually Raven Shield, but that has 3 syllables
I'm almost finished.
Only four more haiku 'til
I can play Rogue Spear
31. Meta-Haiku I
Or not? Can I use the phrase
"Bassho eats a dick" ?
32. Meta-Haiku II
I have a strong fear
This haiku shall be my worst
33. Don't Try To Tell Me I'm The Only One, Either
I know it's creepy,
But I'm kind of psyched for it -
Olsen twins 18th.
34. On Getting These Haiku Complete
Ten o'clock PM.
Thank god Rob's on the West coast
Thirty-two to go.
35. Inspiration for 1000 Haiku
One thousand pictures
I love digital cameras
Ambur all the time
36. Looking Around My Livingroom
On the cover of Time Out
Is so fucking hot
37. Remember that Squirrel?
It's easier to write
Haiku when all your words are
You'd be surprised at
How much different Monster's Ball
Is than Monster's Inc.
39. Limits of AI
I should write a script
To wrote these poems for me
But I suck at perl
40. The Smell From the Kitchen
My girl cooks tofu.
You'd think that's bad but it is
Better than the kale
41. About the Previous Haiku
I shouldn't complain
She is making me dinner
And that's really sweet
42. More About the Previous Haiku
I can't keep it in.
I'll come right out and say it.
Arin is da bomb!
43. Microsoft and the Previous Haiku
Fuck Word and Auto-correct!
Arvin Rain Orin?
44. Cluttering Up My Inbox
Time Warner, ConEd.
Why do they send me paper?
I pay bills online.
45. Rock Stars
All Too Flat dot Com
Largest haiku collection
Ever to be seen
46. Not For the Kiddies
When I typed this line
With my laptop on my lap
I burnt my penis
47. This One's Not Funny Either
It's all been downhill
Since that Monster's Ball haiku
I should try harder
48. I Live In a Greenhouse
Milk Cactus Gardenia
49. What I Know About Ficus
da is just a type of Mag-
50. I Turned To Her And Asked
Tell me honestly:
*Now* would you describe it
Know what's a good time?
Taking the L-S-A-T
For no good reason
52. Get Your Fingers Out
I'll offer a prize
If you find out which haiku
53. I Wish I Were a Freak
Seven fingers would
Make this whole haiku thing go
Much more easily
54. I Take Some of It Back
Word just corrected
"aesly" into "easily"
How did it know that?
55. But Not All of It
There are twenty-five
temp files for this paper.
Why does it need them?
56. My ipod
That's a lot of stolen tunes
Jobs for president
57. These Fucking Hooves
"Eh, I've got no dukes"
I don't think that that phrase means
What you think it means.
58. Will Power
Harry Potter 5
I'll wait and listen to the
Book on mp3
59. Sponge Bob Squarepants
Have you seen this guy?
He's a yellow sponge with pants.
I just don't get it.
60. Topic Chosen By My Girlfriend
I'll take the MCAT
Graduate admissions tests
Nothing else to do
61. Tick Tock
Hands and no numbers,
Even still, that doesn't mean
That it's analog
62. Preparing for the MCATs
Kingdom phylum class
Order family genus
Species. I love tests.
63. Possibly the Last Thing on My Mind
Time for menopause
You can tell because of my
64. Manchester Prep
Cruel Intentions Two
Reminded me a lot of
Cruel Intentions One
65. It Does Help That Your Friends are in Habonim Dror
I'll be honest Ken
You even had your Mom fooled
With the name "Bromberg"
66. And Quite Disgusting Too
Lampreys are suckers
That can live without their heads
For up to three days
Double letter score
Underneath my double-u
Comes up really huge.
Dang, it's cold outside.
I really can't feel my legs
Walking home from work.
69. Science Club
Popcorn, shaving cream, tin foil:
How much is inside?
70. The laundry mat
People filter in,
The laundry mat was empty.
Now there are five more.
71. Haiku are easy!
One, two, three, four, five.
Writing haiku is simple.
Count it on your hand.
72. Walking in
Held the door open
And a cute girl walked through it.
She smiled and said thanks
73. Laundry Day
Wash, soak, spin, rinse, spin,
Dry, sort, fold, drop, fold, iron:
The Tao of clean clothes.
74. Im thinking of a number
the number seven
the most popular number
between one and ten
75. Ewww, gross
Please stop doing that,
Nobody wants to see it,
Such gross PDA
76. Going On Home
I found the bus that
Stops right in front of my door.
It's twelve degrees out.
77. Its not late
"It's already ten."
What? I'm just getting started
I'll be up 'til two
Chink-a chink-a chink
My quarters drop to the floor
I race after them
79. A bad start
X Q K F J
Worst scrabble letters ever
You want to go first?
80. Forever lost
One sock is missing
Who knows where he ran off to
His twin left behind
A fifteen inch screen
One inch thick, 5.5 pounds
A long throw down field
Running after the frisbee
Layout to catch it.
83. According to 3M
Heres a good question:
Whats the stickiest substance?
Its barnacle glue!
Gotta pay those bills
Piling high here on my desk
I should open them.
85. Wireless Heaven
Checking my email
And listening to music
While cooking dinner.
86. Halloween again
Costume is absolutely
One hundred haiku
This could be borderline spam
If it weren't funny
88. Two friendly hobbitses
Frodo and the ring.
Sam carries everything else;
He's the gardener.
The dogs at my door
He wants to jump on my bed
I don't want him to.
90. Pretty Hawaiian fish
A halibuts dream.
91. Almost done
Nine more haiku left
Im running out of topics.
Eight more after this.
92. Your membership application
We received your check.
Ill make your membership card,
and mail it out soon.
93. The OJ situation
This haiku writing
Is making me so thirsty.
I need some OJ.
94. The post-OJ era
That OJ was good.
It quenched my thirst really well
Back to the haiku.
95 The truth about the OJ situation
I will be honest,
I didnt drink the OJ
Its so far downstairs.
96. The OJ situation revisited
I really need it,
But Im on a haiku roll.
I cannot stop now.
97. Apple cinema HD display
Twenty three inches
Dang thats a huge flat panel
I wish I had one.
Have you noticed that
All the new OSs have
An X in their names?
99. Call the SPCA
Bark bark bark bark bark
Somebody let the dog in
Shes freezing outside
Thirty three haiku
Are not trivial to write.
Time for some OJ.
|I thought you’d like to be aware that someone is using your likeness in a heavily photo-shopped image
You may find this image posted in the January 23 entry of www.somethingawful.com
Let me know if this is somehow interesting.
Best of luck,
I'm sure you already know this, but just in case you didn't---you're on the
front page of Something Awful today. Apparently you are not the princess.
My name is Guy. I was working on a large (about 8' high, 10-12 feet across) cave-type stage set. I tried to put the paper on today, but it kept slipping off, and I left the project defeated. I came across your site today, and was thrilled to see that I did it all (mostly) right. I used the exact same materials as you did for the basic frame (1x2's) and covered it in 1" chicken wire. I think the error I made was I was using a full sheet of news paper (hey, c'mon, it's the first time I've done this) and used glue and water. Tomorrow I'll try 2" strips and your paste recipe. You have re-energized me, and I look forward to writing you with my progress.
Thanks a bunch, Guy in San Diego. (Go Tampa Bay!)
Awsome site! Congrats on "beating" the traffic ticket. I broke into a cold
sweat just reading about the nervewracking experience... *shudder* courts...
Anyway, here's a pic that i think i tried to send you once before
(attached). ...it isn't the most original idea i'm sure, but it came to me,
whatever... ...and looking back on it, it gives me the creeps.
If you ever have the chance, i'd love for you to sign my guestbook on my
generic free-layout-style site. =)
Keep up the good work,
Ok, that's all of them, except for some personal email. My heartfelt thanks everyone who
participated, it was a great success. Be ready next year, maybe I'll make it a
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