How about playing a fireworks videogame?
Jimmy Kimmel
Friday 06th of July
2007 2:45 am
How about playing a fireworks videogame? |
 dissect a kitten |
 Pack of Mentos + case of Diet Coke = hours of safe but violent fun! |
 Buy the *biggest* TV you can
afford (use your credit card if ready funds are lacking) and find a good DVD or PC program
of fireworks effects. Throw in a decent sound system for that
extra *boom*. |
 Try hitting a rock with a muskrat jawbone. |
 Fill a bottle with dry ice
and something else, i forget, but it will explode. also a heroes engine. |
 this isn't as safe as all
their lame suggestions, but so long as you don't get burning bits of steel in your eye, it's
perfectly safe, and looks great: Tie a cable or chain or fireproof
rope around some steel wool, light it on fire, and
spin it around. Sparks will go flying, and it looks great!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1rD0FFjt_o |
 Beer |
 Guns are a good
firework alternative |
 ice cream sandwiches! |
 Mix together household chemicals!
Watch them change colors and give off smoke!
Roof-jumping!
Jarts!
|
 Smoke lots
of weed |
What we did
for the fourth was significantly safer than fireworks and just as much fun - fire spinning! specifically,
poi and staff fire spinning. an impressive light
show in the dark and you probably won't burn down the neighborhood. |
 They could at least have Pop
balloons filled with air and confetti. Of course, if it was Mr. Cockerham these would be
filled with helium and the method for popping them would
certainly be eye threatening. |
 I like to snort heroine and then cover myself up with a wet sheet in the tub. |
Have you ever tried
putting popcorn in the microwave for a little too long?
Me neither. But it would probably be totally sweet. Or not. |
 Set a dead tree on fire |
 Let your kids eat a couple
micrograms of some fine LSD |
You can pop balloons to simulate Black Cats. |
 Have your neighborhood bully punch you in the stomach until you see stars.
All the shock and awe of the 4th but your eyes will be safe! |
 Mortars |
 crashing your car! |
Sobbing quietly in a darkened room all day works for me. |
 Watch wizard fireworks, but don't
let the hobbits touch them.
|
I like to
celebrate by watching an orange fish swim through some green bubbles, or marbles or whatever those things are
around the fish on my screen all the
time. . .
Look at them! They are Beautiful, Beauuuuuu-teee-full I tells ya! |
Fill a plastic bag with natural gas and light it. Makes a big flash but little else. Better use a small bag.
Carbide cannons! Order one from an ad in any 50-year-old comic book.
Those rockets that you half-fill with water and then pump up with air pressure.
Kites or helium balloons decorated with LEDs. |
 My dad always set the burgers on fire. does that count? |
 Eno's and water in a closed
bottle always takes the fizz out of me... |
Watch fireworks on television. |
 Pour gasoline on the ground, stand back, and throw a match. It's fun, completely safe, and, if you do it
on your
neighbors property, leaves no traces of any sort of damage. |
 Just be smokin' hot and walk around where there are lots of flamable nerd-types. |
 Put crunched up tin foil balls in
the microwave...and watch the colorful sparks. Just don't let the tin foil touch the
sides of the microwave, and it should be safe and fun. |
 Ivory Soap
in the microwave. It turns into a big, fluffy soap cloud that hardens when it cools. It's pretty neat. |
 Watch a professional fireworks display from a safe distance. Duh. |
 Build a
habitat. Destroy habitat with fire. |
Replica guns loaded with blanks.
Dry ice in soda bottles (course, you'd then have the danger of shrapnel). |
Git to the chowper and
stawt chooting at evrything! |
Get super drunk and eat burgers off the floor. |
 Set your neighbor's hair on fire. |
Let puppies chase kitties.
Air horns on bicycles.
|
Poke a sleeping
hobo with a stick. |
 Allow children to
view my glittering gold sarcophagus. |
 High pressure water jets
sprayed into the air with bright multi-colored lights shining through them?
Also I see dead people. |
Shoot your friend's ashes out of a giant glowing red peyote-shaped cannon. |
 1) popcorn
2) compressed air cannon
3) profit |
 use normal
fireworks with saftey goggles |
s |
 semi-automatic 9mm
pistols. they're even better than fireworks, and kids love them. |
 Up here in Placer
County, where fireworks are totally illegal, we've resorted to dry ice bombs for the bang and road
flares for the flash. If you're unfamiliar with dry ice
bombs, look them up on youtube. They sound like a shotgun
blast. |
 place tin foil and muriatic acid in a 2
liter bottle. Screw cap on tight and run away. |
water-balloon fights, with colored
water (blue, red). |
 No
need to replace fireworks -- sunglasses always worked to protect my baby blues. |
 Ice cube sculpture |
 Try cleaning up litter around the neighborhood, write a letter to a local politician, or bring fresh
pornography to a
fire station. |
 Throwing a block of sodium into a lake. |
Weapons of mass destruction. |
A ferret, a police whistle
and a cup of milk |
roll of caps and a hammer.
(do they still have caps, and cap guns?) |
Campfire- purchase fancy salts that make the campfire turn colors (I bought some from the camping
aisle at Wal-Mart)-
kids think it is magic!
|
 Have the
kids look through a pile of 10,000 coins, searching for one with an image of fireworks on the back. |
 If I WERE to light fireworks off, that
is to say this is only a "Fictous" scenaro, a “hypothetical” post:
I would drive my white bronco down to the b!tches house, shove the fireworks down her ungrateful cheating throat light
fuse, and get away....only after
slicing her and her boyfriend Ron's throat from ear to ear. Die! Die! Die!!!
Um... thats to say *IF* I were to light off fireworks. |
I like dipping my hands and other body parts in glow-in-the-dark paint, then running around the backyard |
 I prefer hunting
pheasant in the field with close friends to fireworks. |
I recommend scotch. |
 Pretend it's 2006 again and the Diet Coke and Mentos experiment is still cool. Use different flavours of sodapop to
achieve multiple
colours, and light from beneath to produce a lit explosion of colour and sticky sweetness. |
Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, you
don't even -- you're glib. You don't even know what a Roman Candle is. If you start
talking about pyrotechnics, you have to evaluate and read the
research papers on how they came up with these
expolsives, Rob, okay? That's what I've done. . . . You don't know the history of fireworks. I do |
Uh, how about a Blue Man Group-style drum-fest using neon paint?
|
 Nuke the planet from orbit, it's the only way to be sure |
Build Spring Shoes for them with
mattress springs/
Love your site, btw! |
 WE'LL GO STREAKING!!! |
 There's always the put-a-lightbulb-in-the-microwave trick, thought that's probably more dangerous than
the bar of soap
alternative mentioned above. Of course, a LIGHT SHARPENER would be better. |
 If you're already blind, you can do
whatever the hell you want. |
Fireworks ain't no walk in the park, lady. You gotta have the boom, zip, zooey, woooooshit or it ain't the 4th of July.
In
other words...BRRRRRrrrrrip...man's natural gas is the only second alternative. |
Wrap children
in bubble-wrap and have them sit quietly in darkened room. |
 Hey, like, I'll go around the
neighborhood and like, flash all the little kids! Will that, like, help? Like, by the
way, I'm not wearing, like, underwear, like, right now! Wanna see? |
 Set a
trap for the giant invading red pitcher of Kool-Aid. Dig a pit and line the bottom with sharpened bamboo shoots. |
 Mom...uh..my wife..says I can't
look at that kind of stuff...I'll go blind... |
 Strap on a belt of dynamite sticks and nails wrapped in pigskin. As a bonus you will enter the realm of 70 virgins
after
detonation. |
 Light your farts instead. The only "eye" you might injure is ol' brown-eye |
 Surprisingly, rolling
around naked in the snow is the *exact* same sensation as lighting bottle rockets out your a.
I prefer eating glass for money. Snorting coke and having unprotected sex with diseased hookers. It's the best! |
 My friends and I enjoy lots of cool
refreshing coke. |
Re-enact key battles from the Revolutionary War using Super Soakers as rifles, and water balloon launchers as artillery.
I think "pre-Foo
Fighters Dave Grohl" should be one of the public figure selections. |
 Alien Tech. Perfectly safe. |
My breasts make good fireworks |
Have children spin in circle for 60-90 seconds. Promptly have them lay on the floor while you blink the lights in the
room on and off. |
Get drunk and hold
up a lighter? |
 We
prefer making our own fireworks in the bedroom. Take for example last night: I had Phil dress in a english school
girls uniform while I rode makes the
whole
night special.
Later we cuddled. |
 Once you realize that the fireworks are just replacing LOVE, the answer is obvious. |
Close your eyes and then rub them
vigorously for exciting fireworks action. |
Hit head with rock. |
Take a glow
stick, tie a long string to one end.
Whirl it around and throw it high into the air (at night) and you can watch it fly up, and back down. Repeat. |
I know a good one called the
"Flasher." I like this one so much in fact, that I use it even when it isn't the fourth of
july. |
 Play baseball with fruit. Nothing like
exploding fruit to celebrate our countries independence. Bonus points for a
Watermelon home run. |
Weed and Christmas lights. |
Some people have called
me fun like a firework. I am shiny, and big, and amazing. But these people are just trying to
make me feel better because really I am washed up and out
of original material. |
Also, multistage water bottle rockets are pretty slick. |
 Chew wint-O-green lifesavers with your mouth open. The sparks will be nifty.
Or, scuff your stocking feet on carpeting and discharge the static electricity on the door nob for an 'electric' good
time. |
Go see a fireworks show
instead of putting one on yourselves. |
 Duct tape a small container of gasoline to the top of a remote control car, then drop a match in. Drive the car through
a
patriotic obstacle course. |
 replace fireworks with pinatas ;) |
 Live chickens. |
Do you
wanna see my implant scars? |
 Try shoplifting! |
Buy reflective paint at Emigh Hardware and cover your man-bag. Add black light and lasers. Enjoy! |
 Put Pop Rocks in your mouth
and leave it open |
Fireworks are generally safe if used according to instruction. For those who can't read the bold print
saying to not
hold in hand, or not to aim at people, put the warnings in braille (tactile feedback), and in English, "if you don't
follow these warnings, you
should start learning braille to read the instructions for the blind". |
 You know what would help prevent
CULTURAL blindness? If more people would listen to my radio show. That would open their
eyes, yessiri. With their eyes open, maybe they would start
to understand that all the celebrations in the world aren't
going to address the critical problems which address this great nation! Instead of fireworks,
they should be light
democrats on fire! Sure! |
Roam country roads collecting roadkill. Dress up as our founding fathers. |
Nothing burns better than the
tinderbox of dissent brewing in the liberal left "ME"dia. Just watch out for sparks! And
Democrats! Cause someone's going to lose their arm, and when
they do, I'll be there to beat a dead horse with it. A
dead horse that died believing the liberal media lies! |
 A pack of
matches is enough fun for me! |
If you're
doing stuff during the day, nothing delights children more than blasting water into the air so that it rains
down on everybody. Playing with water is a
screaming riot! |
Thermite |
Gasoline in a coke can |
 Everyone loves glitter pasties. |
 Use a big jar of pepper to induce sneezing fits. Unless you are Mormon. Then it is probably forbidden. |
More fire!
More! |
A good
old fashioned potato gun. In case of potato famine, try an aluminum foil & "The Works" brand cleaner bomb. |
 Just have a competition to
see who can hold a match for the longest time. Winner gets ice cream! |
Go see a mortor display (the big ones that
shoot up in the air) No fire near kids and you don't have to do anything but
wrangle the little ones |
You can always light me on
fire and watch me run down the street! |
Lighting a match and throwing it in the air. The safest kind of fun there is! |
I always liked jumping up and down
on Oprah's couch for some fun. |
 Check out the July 4th Inventory BLOW OUT at your local Ford/Mercury Auto Dealership! |
Molotov cocktails. You said terrific, not safe.
:) |
 Power-Washers.
(And you can teach your kids how to police your neighborhood against fire-loving dis-loyalists.)
|
Listen to
NPR |
 THE MIGHT OF THE HOLY OVERPOWERS THESE EXPLOSIVES THE INFIDEL USES TO OPPRESS. YOU CLAIM FREEDOM, BUT YOUR
HOLIDAY IS
FILTH, DEBASEMENT. A POX ON IT. |
Get tattoos, shave your head
and show the world your nether regions! Duh! |
Run around with a lit birthday candle tucked into your butt. Or a novelty flashlight. |
 Have a patriotic party-on-the-patiO with red, white, and blue light sabers, and serve foods from agalaxy
far, far away.
Since they're from "off world," these foods can be as bizarre, gross, or exotic and delicious as you like. Kind of like
halloween in july. |
 Ok! Neon paint. A black light. um Laser pens? An inflatable bouncy jump thingy! water ballons and a garden hose!
Whipped
cream canisters! Yeah! Chicks and guns and firetrucks! wait |
 Just light a goddam
cigarette, have a martini, and vote that son-of-a-bitch out of office.
|
You can wave me around like a Glowing
firework |
 Kids
can draw fireworks, with non-toxic crayons on round edge paper. |
Sparklers are pretty cool and are mostly safe by themselves, but if you put a bunch of them together and
wrap them up
with tape then that is dangerous! |
 Balloons filled to the point of bursting with food coloring-tinged water. |
 sprinkle some fruit loops
into a old coffee can half-full of water. Stir with a long wooden spoon and watch the colors
fly around!
|
Air Powered
Cannon to shoot all sorts of "safe" projectiles |
 Mix up some baking soda and vinegar in a film container and quickly put on the lid. A small pop ensues -
and can be
recreated for as long as you have a ready supply of vinegar and baking soda. |
How about a hard drive crash? That'll get
their attention. |
Cover a mountain lion with peanut butter and watch the red ants sting it to death. |
 Cut
liquor advertisements out of magazines and glue them to your Escalade. |
If the problem is explosions and
metallic sparks flying around, why not simply set fire to something non-explosive, such
as a tree or fence? |
Beans and a lighter. Get a good sound
-system and fireproof microphone for the extra "braaap" |
eat more glue |
Flaming farts! |
body paint! |
drugs.
lots. |
 FLAMING LAWN
DARTS |
1)put on blindfold
2)carry on as usual
*Will not protect others of blindness* |
strap them to the couch, let them have no fun, and show them the fireworks on TV. |
how about an IQ test to be
able to qualify to buy fireworks in the first place. Or like a training course on how not to
be mentally handicapped while handling said fireworks. AKA
don't look down the barrel to see if it's a dud, don't
point the bottle rocket at anyone, and if the thing begins to misfire, get everyone to run like you-know
-what. |
As an
alternative to blindness-inducing 4th of July fireworks, I suggest striking fear into the hearts of evildoers by
rigging a parking lot and causing a select
arrangement of cars to explode so that when viewed from a helicopter the
burning hulks of metal form the shape of a giant "Punisher" skull logo made
out of fire. That would be so awesome. |
Teach children to wear eye protection, like lab safety goggles. Children who are too young to understand lab or
pyrotechnic safety are too young for fireworks. Invest in a decent set and make sure everyone viewing the fireworks
wears them. You can compare this
to wearing 3D glasses at the 3D movie, or even make it a game, like "evil scientist"
or "goggle-eyed robots take over the Earth." |
Madar koskesh! I show the evil Satan of the decadent West fireworks replacement! It's is called suicide bomb, I send
one
to you soon. |
instead of playing with dangeresque
works of fire. Start a new exciting family tradition wiht your kids by going to bed
early on July 4th, and then waking up to do chores the next day. Its fun for
the whole etcetera |
1. Run around with scissors. Fun for
the whole family!
2. Have the kids make tothpick glasses with glue and toothpicks! (Duh...)
3. Hit Shotgun Shells with hammers till they blow up!
4. Throw bullets in the bonfire you started in your backyard with yard waste and gasoline!
5. Bottle Rocket fights! Bottle rockets aren't fireworks, they're aeronautical expierements! |
Gandalf says to simply throw lit
sparklers as high into the air as you possibly can. Make sure you're on pavement so you
don't set your neighbourhood on fire. |
How about setting a boring
optometrists hair on fire?
Sadly, it's an impossible ask. Dangerous = fun. Safe = not fun. It's one of the fundamental rules of the universe. |
 poop fires on porches |
Tire Fire |
Nothin' says "patriotism" like a few dozen molotovs. |
One word: SRIRACHA. No youngster ever forgets their first encounter with the rooster. |
THE LIGHT SHARPENER |
Studying knives very
closely in startling environments. |
|