I asked the Cardhouse robot to help me with this list of ideas regular citizens should do to whenever the Terror Alert color coded system is activated. Here is what we came up with. My suggestions are listed first, his are below the break.
|Have ready access to long pants, cigarettes and
Learn to use a whistle and pencil sharpeners.
Avoid returning videos and DVDs after they are due.
Politely ask your neighbors if they have acquired any "dirty bombs" as of late. Offer to help clean them.
Obsessively surf chicksincasts.com.
That third bowl of ice cream isn't going to fucking matter when the world's on fire.
Suggested diary entry: "I'm scared."
|Buy and teach yourself how to use Super 77 spray adhesive.
Purchase local maps and prepare escape routes that never cross rivers or railroad tracks. Mark the route with a blue pen. Include coded instructions for your family.
Amass a large pile of those neat gold dollar coins with the Indian lady.
Click on any banner ad that has the words "warning" or a "caution" symbol.
Take copious notes while watching NBC's hit "Fear Factor."
Go down to the airport and take potshots at the departing planes. Call it "art."
Oh boy! Family road trip to the U.S. Army Deseret Chemical Depot in Tooele, Utah!
Get all of your preventative shots up-to-date. Ask the doctor if you can have them all in one big syringe manned by at least two people.
|Buy and be prepared to use pepper spray, mace or a stun-gun.
Call 911 only if terror threat is within your local area. Car alarms are the best indicator of terror activity.
Begin wearing a watch on each wrist.
Vary your route to and from the bathroom at your job.
Teach your children how to drive jet-skis.
Tape pant legs closed at the ankle, shirts closed at the sleeves.
Order parts for giant iron robot, check box for "defensive posture"
Keep a 4-8 day supply of sushi and egg salad.
Double-check your TiVo.
Construct a cross-country postage-paid shipping crate large enough for you and your family.
Taser your crotch at ever-increasing voltage levels. Consult a personal trainer each time you "plateau."
Shred all evidence.
Download an MP3 of "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. Memorize crucial instructions.
|Prepare a wide-brimmed hat with double layer of aluminum foil, shiny side
out. Wear at all times.
Keep a knife or small-caliber handgun strapped to your ankle.
Practice treading water for 10 minute intervals.
Prepare sandwich-board sign predicting doomsday.
Only consume food and drink advertised as "New" or "Ultra"
Double your staff of bodyguards.
Change your Yahoo Messenger status to "Innocent".
Seal each individual item in your possession with plastic and duct tape.
Memorize the outlines of various planes in the United Terrorist Air Force. For your free UTAF Indicator Pamphlet, write: Free UTAF Indicator Pamphlet, Box 100, Pueblo, Colorado 81002.
Hire a number of detectives and create a "circle of surveillance" like when everyone sits on the knees of the person behind them simultaneously and it's a big ring of sitting people. The detectives could do that, as well.
Join in; offer them egg salad.
|Keep a loaded shotgun in your hands at all times.
Memorize and be prepared to quote Revelations Chapter 6, Verses 1-8.
Burn all of your cash in [organized] piles on the driveway.
Contact all prospective sex-partners and make last-chance arrangements. Yes, including Janine.
Drive-thru breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Blackout car windows, and your teeth.
Prepare bite-sized portions of cyanide in case your underground bunker is penetrated, pussy.
Wire a Geiger counter to your accelerator pedal.
Practice using a friend or neighbor as an inert floatation device.
Paint the entire town reddish orange, ring the town bell, and prepare a delicious banquet for your guests.
I was going to ask Matt at DefectiveYeti for suggestions too, but he's already posted something on the color alert system. Please excuse the horrible background colors. Thanks again to Cardhouse.comHome | Contact Rob Last updated February 18th, 2003.