You probably first heard of Vegemite on the radio, when Men at Work's Colin Hay sang about being handed a sandwich in Brussels. From that moment, it has haunted you...what the hell was Vegemite? Was it vegetables? Was it mites? Was it some combination of the two? 

When the internet was invented in May of 2001, I was finally able to find out.

Created in Australia, laboratory tests showed Vegemite to have 600% more vitamins than any other substance on earth, by volume. 

• Australian Astronauts are given jars of Vegemite to survive winter in the lonely vacuum of space.
• Roman General Russell Crowe enjoys eating Vegemite on toast.
• Post-Apocalyptic Hero Mel Gibson has a horseshoe kidney.
• Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin uses Vegemite to temper his venom-rich blood.
• Phar Lap won 37 of the 51 races in which he started, including fourteen in a row in 1930-31.
• Olivia Newton-John's biggest hit was "Physical" which spent 10 consecutive weeks at #1 on Billboard's Hot 100. This amazing "Physical" stamina was largely attributable to Vegemite. She was also in this great musical, but I forget the name.

Scott warned me to spread it thinly because it is very salty.

Yeah, thin, right, got it.

Opening the jar, a strong smell not unlike soy sauce confronted me. I was not looking forward to the "eating" part of the experiment.

Mike, Jane and I started a-spreading.

Oh yeah! Grease! Olivia Newton-John also starred in Grease!

We stared at each other for a few minutes. Who would be the first to taste one?

Putting off the inevitable, we checked the "serving size" on the Vegemite label: 5 grams.

We did a quick calculation: The tiny jar is designed to cover 47 pieces of bread, almost twice the number we had covered! What if we cut the bread into halves? There! 5 grams per serving!

If you use 130 cm² slices of bread like I do, you should spread Vegemite just 0.28 mm thick across the surface of the bread. Paul Hogan can do it with a machete, so quit complaining.

Five grams per serving is TINY. Horseradish suggests 5.5 grams per serving, just to give you an idea. 

A typical sandwich spread like Skippy Peanut Butter suggests using 32 grams. Land O'Lakes Butter suggests using 14 grams.

In fact, the only products I could find that suggest using as little as 5 grams were mustard and Sriracha Chili Sauce.

The absolute smallest serving size I found was on a tin of powdered LSD (50 micrograms).

Finally there nothing to do but give the Vegemite a try.

It was terrible! My sub-Australian constitution couldn't handle the massive nutritional assault! 

Niacin! Riboflavin! Thiamine! It was like a three-pronged pitchfork of B vitamins jamming into my tongue!

Mike snapped this photo just before I blacked out.

We didn't want to waste the bread, so Jane came up with a plan to dilute the Vegemite with another Kraft product, Pimento spread.

The pimento spread diluted the taste of the Vegemite with its own terrible taste. This was like trying to extinguish a burning pile of hair with patchouli oil. 

It had the consistency of toothpaste, sliming out of the bottle in a thick snake of cheese. Unfortunately, that was its only appeal.

Our bottle of Cheezin' 'n Squeezin' had somehow EXPIRED. It was awful!

All Kraft products are now banned from our home.

With any luck, we'll be eating these sandwiches for weeks!

Special thanks to Scott Eiby for the jar of Vegemite!

Update!

Another Update!