As automotive technology increases, and the complexity of their inner workings become more complex, there are a shrinking number of operations that the owner is encouraged to perform herself.

They are: refueling, adding wiper fluid, and changing a flat tire. 

Changing a flat tire is the most challenging of these three operations, but it is easy. If you have never tried it before, I encourage you to give it a shot. Sure, your cell phone provider probably offers roadside assistance for $13 dollars a month, but changing your own tire is quicker, and far more satisfying than calling someone else to do it for you. It will make you a more confident driver and passenger, and it is free, kind of.

The first step is the hardest. Getting a flat tire. 
Try to run over a nail, screw or hex wrench. This will pierce the rubber tire and allow all the air to leak out. 

I've only heard a tire pop one time in my life. It was louder than a gunshot, closer to the sound of a bomb going off. 

Depending on the circumstances, you will probably be able to continue driving for a few hundred feet as your flattening tire gets louder and louder on the road. Try to pull off of the road, away from moving traffic. You'll need some room to crouch next to the car too. If there is no room, and you are in danger of getting hit by another car, you shouldn't try to change the tire. Also, if the flat tire is sitting in dirt, your emergency jack might not be stable enough to lift the car safely. If the situation is dangerous, I recommend a tow truck.

There is a pretty good chance that the situation won't be ideal. Perhaps the car will be halfway in a gutter, or the road will be wet, or you will have a crying baby in the carseat. Perhaps you will be in a dark tunnel being chased by zombies. I recommend changing the tire yourself in all of these situations. 

Even if you are completely away from traffic, I recommend walking up the road and lighting a road flare. Road flares are really cool, and this is one of the only situations where you are encouraged to use them. Place them 100 steps upstream from where your car is, to give oncoming traffic an alert that you are a badass, changing your own tire on the side of the road.

While you are walking on the side of the road, take a quick look at the roadway to see if there are any more nails or screws in the road. Sometimes a whole box of nails falls off of Mr. Pirelli's truck. You might be able to save other people from the fate you are suffering.

The next thing to do is to locate the jack and the spare tire in your car. Even if you have never seen the spare tire before, you probably have one hidden in your car. (No one stole your spare tire. Your spare tire isn't worth much because every car has one already). 

With a truck, the spare tire is often tucked away under the bed of the truck. The tools are usually behind the seat of the truck, including a long tool to lower the tire. Volkswagen Bugs, Porches and some Subarus have the tire under the front hood.

Don't forget to check the passenger seat, next to your laptop.

When you find your spare tire, you should also find some tools: a jack, a lug wrench and a tiny shepherd's hook. You will need all of these. You might be able to get the job done without the shepherd's hook, but it would be tough.

Also, you might need a security-nut key if your rims use a security lug nut. More on this later.

The jack might be wedged into a little nook. Because it can expand and contract, the jack is usually pressing against the walls of its nook, keeping it secured in place, like the Alien holding itself against the sides of a closet in the escape pod.

Turn the long screw through the middle of the jack to flatten it, so that it can be easily removed. 

The tools for my Hyundai are kept in a heavy black cloth carrying case. If you are driving a really nice car, your tool sack should be full grain leather.

Don't have a nice tool sack? Try the leather tent at the renaissance pleasure faire.

Because the spare tires on trucks are stored outside the vehicle, where they are vulnerable to thieves, you may have to perform some tricky maneuvers to get to them. 

Jerry's truck included this long metal tool.  

Which is used to access a hidden spare-tire lowering screw. 

Also, a little music box opens and plays a tune.

Remove this.

Poke your spare tire to see if it is flat. If it is rock hard, it will work. If it is a little soft, it probably won't work. You can mount it if you are really desperate, and see if it has enough to hold up. Don't try to inflate it with your lips. Don't take this personally. You probably haven't laid a finger on this thing since Valentines day.

The spare tire will probably be a scrawny version of a real tire. This is good. Real tires are heavy, and this one should be a little easier to handle. Ken calls the miniature spare tire a "donut" tire.

Here is a summary of the procedure: 

• Jack up the car
• Remove the old tire 
• Put the new tire on
• Lower the car
• Drive away 

If you don't have five passengers, you should use the jack.

Before you jack up the car, Turn off the engine and make sure the car isn't going to roll. Get everyone out of the car and away from traffic. If you have a baby in a car seat, I recommend leaving her in the car, strapped into her car seat. If you are a nervous wreck, roll a window down, so you don't accidentally lock yourself out of the car.

Put the car into gear (which will help stop the wheels from turning), pull up the emergency brake and wedge something under one of the three unflat tires. This wedge is sometimes called a "Chock". 

What should you wedge under there? I don't know. 

Things that you probably don't have in your car, but that make good wedges: 

• A block of wood.
• A red brick.
• Donald Trump's wallet. 

Things you do have in your car, but won't make good wedges: 

• A water bottle.
• Keys.
• Camel Filters in a crushproof box. 

What you will probably end up using:

• A shoe
• a folded towel
• Toblerone. 

The jack. 

Twist the center screw to raise and lower the jack. This type is called a scissor jack.

The hook thing connects to the jack.

And the lug wrench connects to that. There are a lot of different pieces of equipment that manufacturers can put in your car to make this work, but it will probably come together something like this.

Ok, you are still not ready to jack up the car. If you haven't run into any obstacles yet, here is another opportunity. The bolts which hold the wheel on the car might be too tight to remove. You should definitely try to loosen them a couple of turns before you get the car jacked into the air.

Put the lug wrench over a bolt and try to loosen it (counterclockwise). It is OK to use a lot of force. Give it everything you have, if necessary. You can use your foot, too, if you have shoes on. Loosen all four or five of the lug bolts, but don't take them all of the way off yet. 

Ordinary lug nut.

Some cars have lug nut locks.

Special security nuts make it impossible for thieves to steal your awesome rims just using a lug wrench.

This type is shaped like a sprocket.

This type has a peculiar pattern on the sides, making it incompatible with a regular lug nut wrench.

Most people with these kind of locks  keep their security nut key in their glove compartment or ash tray. It is a metal cylinder, about the size of the cap to the shampoo bottle.

The key "converts" your lug nut lock to a regular lug nut.

Finally, it is time for the jack. 

The jack is awesome, but it allows you to create a dangerous situation with your car. It is important that the jack is pretty close to straight up and down, and that the base of the jack is resting on something sturdy, like asphalt or concrete.

The jack needs to push up on the car, near the tire where you are working. If you centered it perfectly on one side of the car, it might be able to lift both wheels at the same time, but it would be less stable, and lifting two tires is totally unnecessary. Usually, there will be a thick metal seam along the bottom edge of the car, where the top of the jack fits. 

Just for the record, I have seen plenty of cars jacked up, and I have never seen one fall. I think a jacked up car looks more precarious than it actually is. Still, take caution and do not get under the car at all.

Once the jack is touching the bottom of the car, it will get harder to twist, and it will begin to lift the car. Connect the hook end of the Shepard's hook to the center screw of the jack. My lug wrench was designed with a hole through the center, so it could be used to crank the center screw on the jack. I've seen a number of different set-ups for the jack crank. Most of them involve two tools being connected together into a less-than-perfect combination tool. However, the tools function in an emergency, so I shouldn't complain.

When the flat tire isn't touching the ground any more, stop cranking the jack. Use the lug wrench to remove the lug nuts completely. 

Keep the lug nuts safe. Don't let them roll away. You need them all. 

Twenty years ago, people would put the lug nuts into the inverted hub cap. 

As you remove the last lug nut, the tire might slump off of the mount. You may have to hold it in place with one hand to twist off the final nut.

Remove the flat and roll or carry it towards the back of the car. Don't put the flat in the trunk yet. Wait until the car is back down on four tires.

Tires are dirty. 

If you lean the tire against the car, be wary of letting it snag or scrape the bumper as you lower the jack.

Position the spare tire on the bolts. The spare tire will also try to slump off of the mount so you may have to hold it in place with one hand and thread a nut on. 

You also may need to jack the car a little higher to get the spare tire onto the bolts. 

The spare uses the same nuts as the real wheel did. Screw on all of the nuts. 

With the spare attached, and all the bolts tight, lower the car. 

The wheel will touch the ground, and then the car will drop a little more before the jack pulls free. Keep turning the screw on the jack until it is totally flat. You are finished with the jack.

The emergency spare tire should look a little sad in the place of a real tire, but it shouldn't look as flat as the one in these photos.

When the car is on the ground again, REALLY tighten the bolts, as tight as possible. It is OK to stand on the wrench, even.

It is important that the tire is attached solidly and flat, so when it comes time to tighten the nuts, tighten them in turn, a little at a time, going from one bolt to the next, so that they are all making contact. If there are five nuts, tighten them in a star pattern, which means that you should tighten one bolt, then tighten the bolt which is sort of across from it, then tighten the bolt which is almost across from THAT bolt, until they are all tight.

I don't think this "star-pattern" tightening is really critical to the wheel being fastened correctly, but it can't hurt.

I have had the experience of having a couple of my lug nuts fall off (into the hubcap) while I was driving because I didn't tighten them well enough. The wheel didn't fall off, I could hear some weird clicking back there and pulled over in time to fix it.

Modern tires don't have inner tubes inside. The rubber is just pushed onto the rim with the force of the air pressure. Occasionally, if the flat tire was the result of a collision, (for example, in a collision with a curb) you can fix a flat tire by simply inflating it.

Here is the part which is not free: A tire repair is about $10, but the tire shops will only try to repair it if the puncture is on the part of your tire that touches the road.

If the puncture is on the sidewall of the tire, they will probably ask you to buy a new tire instead. Some tire places will even fix your flat for free (America's Tire / Discount Tire), just for the chance to sell you one if the puncture is in a spot they won't repair. New tires are $50 to $100 each.

I always get my tires at Nordstrom, because they have the latest styles. 

Ideally, you should get tires two at a time. If the new tire is sitting across the axle from a worn-out tire, that might be a problem, because they have different circumferences.

If your other tires are unworn, a single new one could probably be introduced without any problems.

Also, just replacing one until you can raise the money for another one is nothing to be embarrassed about. After all, you are a badass, who changed his own tire.

Please continue reading page 2 of Easy, Illustrated Instructions on How to Fix a Flat Tire.