Below is the third part of of a giant list of the bad things that can happen to you.
Dolors are a unit, like "gallons". They were invented to illustrate the philosophy of Utilitarianism.


Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic
Bad ThingDolor Value
someone steals your deck furniture50.00
A bag of pot falls out of your bag while talking to your lecturer50.00
you get run over by the car you just stepped out of50.00
You hiccup, sneeze and fart at the same time50.00
The hooks on your bra break, first thing in the morning after you arrive at school/work50.00
Your friend visits you at work. You realize your at work and could be having fun or doing ANYTHING else.50.00
You cuss in front of your mom50.00
you got to Victoria's Secret to buy bras, and then find out they dont make them small enough50.00
You flick a cigarette out your front window, only to have it fly into your rear-driver side window.50.00
Someone snaps your bra in the middle of a huge store, it breaks the hooks, and there's no way you can fix them or put on another bra. So you're stuck without one for the next 3 hours50.00
i went into the bathroom and i had to pee really bad but there is only one stall and the woman in it was pooping and she wouldn't finish until there was no one in the bathroom50.00
It's saturday night & you re going out alone - AGAIN - and some ass*le with a mustache starts making small talk with you at the bar and just wont go away50.00
Gas pedal gets stuck under the steering bar on a 2 seater go kart. A 5 year old is the driver you are passenger.Drives Full speed for 2 blocks nearly hitting children, houses,cars and animals. You risk your life and undo it.50.00
You go on vaccation in another state and borrow a toyota truck from a friend that enjoys going fifteen MPH or less through intersections50.00
You go to Victorias Secret to buy bras, and then find out they dont make them big enough50.00
you buy the cheapest pedal-clips for your bike and spend 3 days falling over every time you stop because you cannot get your feet out of the clips50.00
Accidentally locking yourself in a foot locker playing hide and seek at age 8 and it thus resulting in an adulthood claustriphobia problem.50.00
The boss you hate is fired after years of complaint, only to buy the company a week later and make your life hell.50.00
your life falls apart the day after you decide, for certain this time, to quit smoking50.00
You get a serious case of jock itch at the beginning of a long, important speech50.00
Your skunk bud falls out of the glovebox in front of the University P.D when you open the dash to get your registration50.00
You have to dress up like a gay man for a report and youre a straight girl.50.00
you walk into a parking meter and chip/knock out your front tooth51.00
you notice that you are naked at the mall, not a dream this time52.00
The hooks on your bra break, first thing in the morning after you arrive at school/work and some other guys catch you in the men's room, trying to fix it.52.00
You get the first question wrong on that millionaire show.52.00
You get a $271 ticket for running a yellow light (thats even written on the ticket)52.00
getting a yeast infection in the end of your penis.52.00


your pager drops into the toilet
55.00
You inhale wrong end of cigarette55.00
You are playing barefoot basketball in the driveway and wake up the next morning with feet scuffed up so badly that you have to crawl around the house.55.00
you actually reach in to get cell phone from feces filled Port-O-Potty on a dare55.50
You drop your cellphone into a Port-O-Potty full of feces55.50
you spend Valentines Day alone on a cross-country bus56.00
Your roommate becomes a hardcore ABBA fan56.00
your online girlfriend whom you won't be able to talk to for two weeks and is depressed is online, but not responding to you56.00
Your two friends are hardcore westlife fans and have an obsessive story about them in which they star in it and continuously have sex and children with the band members. on top of it all - westlife really suck!56.00
you are tarred and feathered56.78
Swabbing out pus from an old dog's vagina56.78
your cat likes your roommate better than you57.00
you realise (at 9 years old) that your parents called you Fern Gardener57.08
You drive 300 miles to pick up and drop off your best friend's niece/childhood buddy as a surprise, only to end up as the fifth wheel all day and then get their whole family mad at you because you met at the wrong spot to get her to take her home.59.99
you are caught by french police jumping the turnstyle in the subway in France & they harass you for it for a half hour.59.99
You get insomina and next day you look and feel like hell60.00
You lose your cellphone and fear someone is using it for international calls and making for a ugly bill60.33
you find out your cool new friend is a racist homophobe61.00
Crotch itch in public and in full view of several members of the opposite sex61.00
You have an annoying kid kicking your seat behind you at the movie theater.61.00
you wet your pants62.00
You fart just before you sit down on the toilet to take a crap. Then when you sit down, your face is right in your own fart.62.00
you find out a revolting bastard you work with is moving in next door to you62.00
Your friends senile grandpa inadvertently gives you a stinkpalm.62.00
almost stepping on a naked stranger sleeping on the floor outside your boyfriends bedroom door and the naked guy is blocking the way to the bathroom62.00
taking a dump at your boyfriends parents house and the toilet backs up and there is no plunger!62.00
your a short haired 11 year with old girl and an old lady breaks your nose with her purse because your in the ladys room62.00


you just miss your non-refundable flight
62.50
Stranded alone for days62.50
yappy dog / car alarm / band moves in next door63.00
you buy a cell phone and it gets stolen the next day63.00
taking the dog to the vet after he ate your freinds stash64.99
My right eye popped out of socket when I blew nose.64.99
The girl you like asks you to fix her up with someone...else65.00


Telemarketers keep calling for your dead mother
66.00
you're a telemarketer66.00
getting hired as the piano player because the blind accordian player cancelled at the last minute.66.00
You Put your head phones on and Turn your stereo on at 1:00 in the morning. Not realizing it was on full blast.WHAT?66.66


You spend 3 hours in the emergency room waiting
69.00
your band has a concert and before it even starts you try to smash an acoustic guitar and hit your drummer, killing him, and a piece of wood hits your guitarist in the eye, making him blind69.00
you wait 3 hours in an emergency room, just to find out that it was only strawberry jam, NOT blood69.00
can't drink or have sex69.00
You down load a viruse that freezes your compputer before you can get to the virus scane softwere.69.69
Your nail gets damaged and falls off70.00
You swallow a bug while you're asleep...and you don't know what kind.70.00
you get sunburned70.00
The guy you have had a crush on for a long time finally asks you out, only to leave for one heck of a long summer vacation the next day, leaving you lonely and missing him.70.03
You lose your voice (one week)70.63
You spend you're only change on a bagel with a side of cream cheese, only to find an extremely long brown hair in it, so you get rid of the cream cheese and go to eat the bagel only to find and even grosser hair baked into the bagel after first bite70.65
Your house is infested by spiders70.75
"you rear-end someone, covered by insurance"71.00
You take a 7 hour drive to the boonies with your friend to visit her boyfriend. He gets trashed on a whole fifth of vodka (straight up) and a bunch of cocaine, wakes you up at 4 in the morning and tries to hit on you.71.00
you ingest a rotten egg71.00
you spend so much time reading & putting things on the bad things list that you forget to do all the sh*t you were suposed to do before bed & your husband gets mad at you for it.71.00
Your best friend finds out you had a crush on Quazimodo when you were little.71.20
The girl you like asks you to fix you up with your best friend72.00
you hear about the girlfriend AFTER the sex72.00
Your girlfriend tells you, I love you but we are not married72.00
you meet a hot chick, and fall quickly into *friend zone*72.00
you meet multiple hot chicks, and fall quickly into *friend zone* with all of them72.00
You're puking in a toilet at a party, and you're so drunk you rest your face on the toilet (whether the seat's up or down)..72.00
you pass out at a party only to wake up remembering nothing and everybody calling you (the butt guy!)72.00
you get food poisoning73.00
The first time you find out you are allergic to mosquito bites is when you catch one under each armpit while you're sleeping73.00
on the first date, vomit all over the hot guy's bedspread right before sex73.10
going to jail for returning movies too late73.10
Getting kissed by your Grandmother and she leaves drool on your cheek.73.10
You find the name of the old friend you have been meaning to call printed in the obituaries page.73.25
your high-school nickname resurfaces74.00
you lose a movie you rented75.00
you get a flattire in the rain without a jack, and then get your foot stuck in the mud up to your knee for an hour coming back from the store75.00
your band plays a gig and only one person shows up - the bartender75.00
You come hoe to your wife feeding your chihuahua into the garbage disposal75.00
You get hit by a car, spend a month in hospital recovering, go back to college, and propmtly fail all first year exams.75.00
Right after you left the dentist for some major dental work, you have to rush downtown to do a speech at some big conference75.00
You are forced to be the designated driver but you dont have your liscense yet and you get pulled over and arrested75.00
You give a good-looking guy/girl your phone number, only to find out that 1) he/she is dumber than a box and hair and 2) he/she dominates the conversation.75.00
while eating your yummi dinner, a pad/ tampon/ vaginal cream/ genital wart/ herpes comercial comes on, making you lose your appetite.75.00
you get a cell phone and the next day you accidently forget to take it out of your swimming trunks as you go swimming later to find it at the bottom of the pool and then realizing that it cost over 200 freaking dollars!!!!75.00
The guy/girl still talks to you and hits on you over two months after you made it obvious you WERE NOT INTERESTED.75.00
you find out it WAS your room mate who broke your guitar neck... and have to kill him75.51
your dog breaks the neck on your guitar and you are forced to kill it75.51
You have to have your wisdom teeth pulled76.00
you get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled, and then they find out there is a 5th.76.10
You get voted off the island.76.36
Someone steals your clothes at the Laundromat77.00
you get pancreatitis and must not drink again!77.23
your mom catches you smelling her underwear77.50
You write a slightly critical of management fake memo to a friend. After you leave for the day, someone finds it, photocopies it and distributes it to everyone.... getting you fired.78.00
You get a speeding ticket (US$140)80.00
the condom falls off inside your body and your boyfreind spends an hour trying to get it out of you80.00
You finally get your bottle of viagra only to find out you have premature ejaculation.80.00
Your window is broken and your stereo is gone82.00
you superglue your eyelids shut82.00
stepping on a slug82.00


your new roommate is a BIG sports fan
83.00
your car gets towed (US$130)85.00
Your power windows stop working and your windows get stuck half-way open in the middle of the winter...85.00
you are rear-ended on your friends birthday, with her in the car, and some crack-head b*tch comes over and says its somehow your fault!85.00
call from a cell phone to report your car stolen at Wal-Mart, just to see you parked somewhere else.85.00
you are dumb enough to fall for a virus email, and delete -sulfnbk.exe- from your computer, then have to shamefacedly call a friend and have them email you the file.85.36
After spending weeks cleaning up a swimming pool filled with rancid decomposing leaves (1 year) and dirty water, you try to fill it up and find out the pool has a leak.85.50
coming back from a hiking trip you find your fish dead. the next day at school you find it floating in the school drinking fountain because your sister put it there85.85
You bite into a hotdog and find veins88.88
You break your ankle on the first day of summer vacation.89.50
Some little kid throws up in front of you on a plane, your flight hasn't even started yet, and it's a 4 hour flight.89.50
you get a stalker (2 months)90.00
you unknowing get your period and the stain show thru your clothes while at school90.00
you find out your neighbour has a history of aggravated assault and has decided to stop taking his daily lithium meds and monthly anti-psychotic injections.90.00
You drive 3000 miles across country to move in with your boyfriend and he dumps you when you get there90.00
You leave your wife to be with the girl you love, realize you feel too guilty to be with her, then realize, way too late, that youd do anything to be with her again90.00
your girlfriend cheats on you with a friend of yours and follows him to alaska when he goes into the coast guard90.00
You get into a hot-tub with your new neighbors and their friends and you're too drunk to realize that they're swingers until it's too late90.00


Your mamma has a new baby and he looks a bit chinese90.00
your roomate's ex-boyfriend takes, along with his stuff, your cat, and has him put to sleep90.00
You fall in love with this guy & when its time to do the nasty he drops his pants and he has a microscopic penis :(90.00
your (new) hot 20yo girlfriend swipes your weed and there is no chance of repremand90.00
You cant get your money (for vacations) from the bank because you live in Argentina.90.00
Your girlfriend has sex with all of your friends. In alphabetical order.90.50
Your passport gets stolen while you are vacationing in Costa Rica91.00
your little brother is a pothead91.00
you have your new kitty euthanized for having distemper91.50
you really like the music of Twisted Sister91.75
you get a bad tattoo on your shoulder92.00
you and your ex-fiance have the same tattoo92.00
Your pad falls out while at a water park92.00
you go to cambodia and get drunk and go to get a tattoo that you want to say brotherhood in characters and wake up the next morning and ask some dude on the street what it says and it says little brother92.86


You accidentally return your homemade porn to Blockbuster
93.00
Stripper gets period onstage93.00
you get a tapeworm94.00
you get busted stealing gay porn & they call your parents95.00
you vomit (chunky dinner) on your boyfriend in the backseat of his Jaguar with leather seats, while performing fellatio (damn that gag reflex)95.00
your roommate's cat pees on your comic-book collection96.00
You had so much sex with your new girlfriend that your foreskin has swelled up like a boxers eye98.00
there is blood in your urine99.00
Wrong hole99.00
lost the NT admin password99.00
you get crabs99.00
Finding bloody skid marks in your underpants and VERY bloody stool simultaneously.99.00
Your UPS test fails99.50
You are in the middle of receiving fellatio in your car when you run into a sobriety checkpoint99.97
After making coffe in the morning without your glasses on, you notice the kitchen floor is squirming with live maggots.99.99
you get mugged (US$50)100.00
your car get impounded for outstanding tickets100.00
You buy new expensive piercing jewelry, it's the wrong size... and not returnable100.00
You wake up with a cockroach in your ear100.00
Swalllowing a fly and then sneezing it out AND ITS STILL ALIVE100.00
You discover, after having eaten two girl scout cookies from an unopened box you retrieved from the trash, that they are teeming with maggots100.00
When you trip over and your hand lands in crap100.00
Dr. Needs to use mild acid to burn off scar tissue from your hemroid surgery100.00
you get dumped on by 5 million birds100.00
Girl who you are involved with comes to visit. but you get practically no face time with her cause she has friends that are jealous of you and otherwise just hog her all to them selfs.100.00
You step in dog crap barefoot and it squishes up between your toes.100.00
you have to drop your last blunt because the Guardia Civil shows up, in a very bad mood100.00
You take a bite out of an apple, and find half a maggot in it.100.00
You start getting the giggles at the funeral parlor100.02
You have uncontrolable flatulences while you're getting an anal exam100.09
dream about waking up and getting ready for school/work just about every other day. I've done it since I was five. I wake up as soon as i get to work/school in my dream100.10
you dream about peeing100.52
you join the navy100.52
you realize your only social life is playing Dungeons and Dragons105.00
you pepper spray yourself107.00
"you get hit by a car, no broken bones"108.00
you get captured by gorillas109.00
you get a call from the IRS110.00


you cross the line into alcoholism
111.00
No one can seem to remember why youre traveling to PA this summer, so you must repeat that you havent seen your mother in over a month because she is taking care of your beloved grandmother, who is VERY ill.111.03
you catch yourself in a zipper112.00
you get poison oak on your penis, and it swells to enormous size112.00
you get a yeast infection112.00
You only discover that you caught genital warts of that superhot girl when your regular girlfriend complains of front bottom pains112.00
you wipe with poison oak113.00
You spend all day at work entering todays date on things, then get home and spend three hours trying to figure out why your wife looks so upset BEFORE you realize that its her birthday.113.25
your first boyfriend at university dumps you because he thinks the poison oak rash up your crack is a VD113.75


no one shows up at your party, NO ONE
114.00
You make up a really lame story (that includes your friends) about a magic lake to get the kids you are babysitting to go to sleep, and somehow your friends find out.114.00
you re about to sing this great solo in a musical and then you have no voice standing before the public.114.50
your dad catches you masturbating115.00
you declare bankruptcy to avoid getting evicted115.00


Your car gets stolen 2 weeks after you get it.
115.50
you find out youll never get your braces off115.50
You catch your dad masteurbating115.50
You think of something really funny in the middle of a test and, of course, cant stop laughing.115.50
You write nearly 100 pages of a screenplay on the computer without backing it up. The hard drive crashes and it costs US $1,000 to recover it.115.58
You have very bad hemorrhoids AND very bad gas115.59
you find out your room mate has been using your tooth brush for no other aparent reason other than to be sick or something115.59
you pass a stone116.00
the Internet start-up you work for runs out of funding116.00
you fracture your ankle 3 moves before finishing your level in kung fu116.00
A fellow officer lends you a belt holder for your pepper spray. You attach it to your belt, then use the restroom. Once in the patrol car, you feel a horrible burning sensation. He had accidentaly sprayed the holder, and didn't clean it well!116.00
Your cd burner's writing laser gets misaligned one month after the warrenty runs out. $90 to fix or $100 for a new one.116.00
You bite into a shrimp toast, chew, swallow, then look at the other piece and see half a cockroach embedded in the Shrimp part116.00
the company you work for announces everyone is going to have to re-interview for their jobs118.00
you break your toe and there's nothing you can do to help it118.00
Standing on a UK style (3 pin) plug at 3am while getting up to piss119.00
You miss your second flight since first flight was delayed...you get stuck in Chicago Midway 4 hours before finally leaving for your destination.124.95
you go bankrupt125.00
the boss finds out you're stealing from the company125.00
Your best friend in the whole world stops spending time with you because she has a new boyfriend. A really ugly boyfriend.125.00
you find out your boss is stealing from you125.01
you have to move (because of someone else)130.00


you get your wifes name tattooed on your chest, then she divorces your loser ass anyway
130.00
you have to move into a cardboard box130.00
You get caught trying to suck your own dick.130.00
Other people notice you are going bald135.00
the dot-com you work at tanks137.00
the dot-com you work for moves you to Utah137.00
the dot com you work for moves to to Utah, then tanks137.00
You beat up this punk-ass kid, but you go to the hospital cos you broke your hand138.00
you live in Texas .. and youre a vegetarian140.00
you get cancer, but it's not the \140.00
you get cancer, but it is not the oh my god i have got 6 weeks to live cancer, it is the oh, darn, cancer, i have got 6 months of chemo cancer140.00
You discover that your lover is actively pursuing polyamorous relationships on the internet without your knowledge or consent.148.32
you discover that your best friend who you/ve just had wild sex with, is gay148.32
having your brother talk to you about his impotencey with his bitches in hot tubs.148.32
You didnt get a raise after sleeping with your boss & now he talks about how lame a lay you are to the entire staff148.50
You leave your drink at the bar to go to the bathroom and when you return it has backwash in it148.50
you knick your self while tryin to shave your privates148.50
you go to a job interview only to find it is actually a recruiting session for herbalife distributors149.00
No one remembers your birthday150.00
girlfriend cheats on you with boss who is 13 years older than her150.00
you lost your job on jan 2000, because you were putting in y2k fixes and finished150.00
leave your ugly wife for hot chick, then hot chick dumps you for ugly dude150.00
YOu get fired from your job, and start crying in fron of your boss and a big snot bubble forms in your nose150.00
everyone blames you for the holocaust150.00
you fill in for someone at work, do a damn fine job, they quit and you dont get the job150.00
you get fired during your first day of training at a new job150.00
You singe your hair lighting a cigarette at the stove150.00
You realize you're a dirty commie150.00
you are videotaped having sex with a donkey150.00
You go to a medieval re-creation event in a rustic county park and it rains for 3 days straight, and you are in costume, in a leaky tent, with no dry towels150.00
You get all your teeth pulled, then find out you are pregnant and cannot get the rest done for another nine months150.00
you have all the symptoms of hypochondria150.00
your husband leaves you for another woman and lives with her but tells you he still wants to be married to you150.00
you get a nose bleed150.00
Falling into the toilet150.00
Your insane landlord claims you are his wife while he is being arrested for nailing the next door neighbors garage shut and you only moved in two weeks before150.00
you find out your ex girlfriend is actually straight because shes been making out with your boyfriend150.00
ALL your friends move away eventually leaving you ALL alone.150.00
bad skin150.00
You wake up 2 hours after punching him to find a bare ass in your face with pieces of sh*te flying all over you and your bed.150.00
Mom at a porn site150.00
you start a fight and lose horribly150.00
You fall over in an ice rink, and someone runs over your hand150.00
you get Icy Hot on your genitals150.01
You quit your job, smoke a bunch of ganja, take some $50 magic potion that is supposed to keep you from peeing positive, and it doesn't. Then you have to wait 2 months to look for a job, without weed.150.01
Bad ThingDolor Value


Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic

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September 7th, 2002
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