What are Folks Figuring Out with Google?

Occasionally I write a "How to" guide and put it on the internet.

I like to add a ridiculous number of photographs to these guides because.. well, because they help and including photos is pretty easy when you are making a web page.

My favorite is "Easy, Illustrated Instructions on How to Make Coffee".

Easy, Illustrated instructions on How to Change Brake Pads is another popular choice. The rest you can see on the Cockeyed.com "How To" menu page at www.cockeyed.com/lessons/howto_menu.shtml.


Not everyone includes pictures in their "how to" guides. On Thursday I was checking out the competition and came upon the following suggestions from my google toolbar:

I started typing "how to get rid of" and got the following suggestions:

how to get rid of fruit flies
how to get rid of a hickey
how to get rid of stretch marks
how to get rid of love handles
how to get rid of blackheads
how to get rid of fleas
how to get rid of acne
how to get rid of hiccups
how to get rid of bed bugs
how to get rid of acne scars

I was hoping for "Jonas Brothers", but got insects, blemishes and hiccups. Clearly America is ready for a benzyl peroxide/deltamethrin combo.

I assume these are some of the most popular "how to get rid of..." searches done on Google. I tried out some other searches

How to conceal...

I was hoping for "a dead body", but got mostly facial blemishes, handguns and HDMI cables.

How to determine...

I was hoping for "pi to 6 places", but got a list of anatomy questions.

How to enhance...

I was hoping for "breast size", and absolutely got breast size, eye color and the rather pragmatic "your high".

How to explain...

I was expecting "why you were late" and got a list of grim circumstances, plus "how to explain pictures to a dead hare"


How to buy...

I was hoping for "stolen property" but got real investment questions plus "mattress", "a car" and "a laptop".

How to fake...

pink eye? What?

How to fake your...

I was hoping for "interest" but got "virginity", "your period", and "sick".

How to get...

I was hoping for "a better job", but got "rid of love handles", "a six pack", "a passport", "a girl to like you" and finally "pregnant".

What a year it has been!

how to grow..

Is it too much to expect "an organic vegetable garden"? I got weed, mushrooms, garlic and facial hair.

how to know...

I hoped for "more than a fifth grader", but got eight love and sex questions, plus the swine flu.

how to load...

I didn't have any expectations, and got a really good variety of stuff to load. My favorite? The elusive "bowl".

how to perform...

Look at this list! I'm all for half of these pursuits, and I don't believe in the other five.

Help me come up with a way to focus the ladies away from mysticism and towards mistercism.



how to ruin...

Hopefully directions on how to ruin someone's life don't include telekinesis.

And finally, with a nod to Reddit for exposing me to the joy of the simple question on google:

Why does...

The discussion on Reddit is very interesting, goes by the title "God help us..." and is probably not safe for work.

Why *does* my vag smell?

Gigilo Jane
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 2:01 am

Minnetonka Tickets

Why doesn\'t... anyone click my ad?

Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 3:06 am


Rob. These are hilarious. I am putting together a trivia night in the next few weeks. Would you mind if I based a few questions on these? Possibly also your \'pick the author from a random page of text\' quizzes (I scored 14/14 of those - Yay!) and/or your \'name this robot\' quiz (didn\'t fare quite so well on that one) Owen from Canberra, Australia.

Optimus Prime
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 3:10 am

Buffalo Bilious

Hey Rob, regarding your recent instructional on drywall, you should mention/warn that folks should check for any electrical wires behind the wall before they start hacking away with the drywall saw.

Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 4:57 am


Even more ridiculous Google autocompletion results: http://autocompleteme.com/

Crow T. Robot
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 5:16 am


Reddit? How can you stand to look at that site for more than a minute? It burns!

Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 7:27 am


Robin Williams is a loser

Bicentennial Man
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 9:35 am


I\'d really like to see the Cockeyed Easy, Illustrated Instructions[tm] on replacing drum brakes. It\'s a task I\'ve never had the guts to tackle yet.

Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 10:47 am


How to grow weed? I\'d rather get rid of weeds. Who doesn\'t like a lush green lawn? Rob, you gotta do something about those goofy slashes that appear before every apostrophe. Came up with a use for those 2 glass things I sent you 4 C-mas \'08 yet? Suggestion: Put a comments page in your fix-a-hole-in-a-wall section, so ppl can comment on that there, and not here. Another suggestion: Make your website Gravatar capable, so people can use their own avatars. http://en.gravatar.com Give it a Splat!

Johnny 5
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 1:01 pm


Lazy man\'s method. Grab a two-buck air vent at home improvement store. Duct tape over rear so outlets are sealed. Get the style without movable vents. Run bead of caulk on rear close to edge. Use screw holes in metal duct outlet to attach to wall. Done.

Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 2:06 pm

search \'how to kill\', you\'ll get at least one Harper Lee reference, and at least one Dragon Age reference.

Bicentennial Man
Tuesday 02nd of February 2010 4:35 pm


I would like to know, in Easy, Illustrated Instructions, how to: - make money fast - make girls want me - increase my stamina in bed - lose weight without dieting or exercise Thanks Rob!

Iron Giant
Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 10:55 am


Internet Explorer, Rob? Seriously? Also, you should do an AMA on Reddit.

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 12:35 pm


It seems to me, the answer to your problems regarding mysticism vs mistercism is in the same search results: how to perform hypnotism.

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 1:15 pm

You are not the first, nor will you be the last person to test Google\'s auto-complete feature. http://edgeofthewest.wordpress.com/2009/05/28/i-am-utterly-baffled/ And I\'m sure someone preceded TEotAW\'s post.

Tom Servo
Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 1:44 pm


Try just typing \"why\" or \"why \" (with the space) results are pretty good!

Gigilo Joe
Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 2:19 pm


Shame on you Rob. How can you not believe in cpr?

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 2:28 pm

Stu Padaso

Spell hummus wrong as humas and Yahoo search \"How to cook humas\". Google figured out your not tryong to BBQ your neighbor, but Yahoo?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 6:02 pm


I like the color of ceIling tiles.

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 7:11 pm

Peter M

Interent Explorer? Bad form that man... bad form.

Wednesday 03rd of February 2010 8:50 pm

Some Bill Guy

Looking over this shows some interesting statistics...surely have you noticed how many times queries pertaining to hickeys show up? This means something. (I do not profess to know what it is.)

Friday 05th of February 2010 6:30 am



Friday 05th of February 2010 3:03 pm


poop float?

Robby the Robot
Saturday 06th of February 2010 7:05 pm

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