Below is the third part of of a giant list of the bad things that can happen to you.
Dolors are a unit, like "gallons". They were invented to illustrate the philosophy of Utilitarianism.

Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic
Bad ThingDolor Value
The person you like finds out about your Pokemon fetish, and announces it to the school over the P.A. system6.00
The caffeine you count on to get you through the graveyard shift doesn't kick in after all6.00
A spider crawls INSIDE your keyboard and you have to finish typing this report6.00
A keyboard climbs INSIDE your spider and your report has to finish typing you6.00
You go home with a guy you really really like but he can't get it up. You laugh at him because you're drunk and proceed to throw up on his carpet. you never see him again.6.00
you are walking your dog in front of this hot guys house and he watches while your dog takes a crap on his lawn.6.00
You run out of cigarettes6.10
you have a pack of cigarettes, but no matches or lighter6.10
you have got cigarettes and matches, but you are too drunk to make it all work out.6.11
it's your last cigarette and match and you light the wrong end. oh, what do you do?6.15
Your grandpa gets emphysema.6.15
you're drunk and decide to wash your hookah in the dishwasher thus leaving your dishes tasting like bong water for weeks to come.6.15
the internet is down at work/school6.20
You find a typo on your resume.6.20
you have to go to the Post Office near Christmas/April 15th6.20
Mr. T dies6.20
You go to a series of job interviews and realize later that your fly was down the whole time.6.20
you have to chew the air in the bowling alley6.20
The estimate to fix the damage done to your car costs a few dollars less than your insurance deductible, which is US$10006.20
you have to sleep head-to-feet with your friend and his feet smell like salt and vinegar potato chips6.20
Someone misses a meeting with you6.30
Your dad throws a pen at you and it sticks in your nose.6.32
your roommate uses your knife as a screwdriver6.40
someone tapes over your favorite show6.50
you spill bong-water all over the living room rug6.50
You forget a gallon of milk in your refrigerator while gone for a month.6.50
You go to meet the surgeon doing your orthodontic work and he offers to sort the rest of your face out.6.55
you are fooled by a fake movie preview6.60
your hands are always cold6.60
a cockroach comes out of the coffee pot...while you're pouring your second cup6.70
You find an insect in a chocolate bar.6.70

 you miss the bus, lose 30 minutes
you don't get hired for that mucho money job7.00
Sid comes over to your house7.10
you get some glass in your foot7.20
you are forced to attend a family reunion7.20
you miss your exit on the freeway7.40
your brother Kevin calls7.40
You step in water and your socks get wet.7.40
going upstairs in the dark and misjudge how many there are and fall7.40
you burn the roof of your mouth7.50
shooting pains in your big toe7.62
You run into a chauvinist who can't stand to be beat by a girl.7.75
you get your shot blocked in basketball by a girl7.75

you step in dog poop
You get poked with a sharp stick8.00
You get sick from drinking and have to puke and poop at the exact same moment.8.00
You find a used condom in your bed, and you didn't use it8.23
skinheads show up at your party8.50
"you miss your exit on the freeway, and you have to turn around and pay toll"9.00
getting stuck with pins every morning9.00
You roll your car on an icy road with an open container of straight pins on the seat next to you. (This happened to me)9.00
favorite song on favorite cd gets scratched9.00
After hard work putting up lots of holiday lights, several strings burn out when you turn them on9.04

you fall down in public
you fart, but poo comes out instead9.10
you fart but a watch comes out instead9.10
you fart and Mr. Fuzzums, your long lost cat, comes out9.10
you fart but australia comes out instead9.10
you fart but the moon comes out instead9.10
you wake up early for work, drive an hour to get there, then realize you are 2 hours early9.10
you think of a really great bad thing to add to this list and then you forget it9.10
you fart but Joseph Stalin comes out instead9.10
You think of a really great bad thing to this list and then find that its there already.9.11
You think of a really great bad thing to add to this list and then leave a few words out when typing it in.9.12
The hatchback falls on your neck9.20
You have to listen to a lecture on someone's strong (religious, vegetarian) beliefs9.30
You make a pun and no one gets it.9.36
you bend down to get your dropped cigarette in the car and hit the BMW in front of you9.36
Someone asks if you were ever on the show COPS, and you're not a police officer9.38
You are hung over all morning long9.40
While lighting your cigarette, you burn your nose hairs.9.40
The one time you use improper English, no one forgets it. Ever.9.40
Your toilet gets backed-up/broken9.50
you slip in the shower taking the curtain and rod with you9.58
your credit card gets rejected at a store9.60
You eat a bad piece of meat/wormy apple/sour milk9.70
your car is filled with ants9.70
You decide to be a smart ass and grind Robs nipples for misspelling /spelled/, but run spell check and find out that /spelt/ is actually ok9.70
You break the heel on your shoe 20 minutes after you get to a club9.80
You light your pants completely on fire9.89
you pull up your pantyhose, the only thing you are wearing under your dress, after going to the bathroom and your skirt gets tucked into the top-and no one tells you.9.89
you are bored. SERIOUSLY bored.9.99
You throw up10.00
Your voodoo doll shrinks in the wash.10.00
the place where you work has a special filter so you can surf every website except The Onion10.00
Someone asks if you are drunk, when you're totally sober.10.00
you have dandruff10.00
You spew after having one beer10.00
your cd burner breaks, and when you finally get up enough nerve to call tech support, it starts working while you are talking to the person. for no reason at all.10.00
You stay up all night reading stupid stuff online, and neglect to write the paper that/s due in five hours and fifteen minutes10.00
your car gets hit the day it comes out of the shop10.00
You step on a fork and have to go to the emergency room. Everyone hears that you stepped on a fork. Everyone laughs. Five years later, people still talk about the time you stepped on a fork.10.00
the tuna was not dolphin safe10.15
while on a date, the waiter is more charming than you10.20
You go to flick the ash, the cigarette sticks to your lip and the cherry comes off in between your fingers.10.25
Your eye swells shut10.50
You fall over, but have your hands in your pockets, and thus break your fall with your face.10.50
You raise your arms happily to cheer at a sporting event, only to realize that you're totally pittin' out.10.75
You get psyched for a television show that's really cool, only to find that it's just some guys talking about stuff any half-wit already knows10.88
Get ringworm on your scrotum10.89
You spill your coffee on your shirt on the way to work11.00
you get a big shock while trying to retrieve something from the toaster11.00
you get a BIG shock in the ear when you put your headphones on at your computer in the middle of class and scream shit that hurt!11.50
Your mom steals a tech guys garden hose12.00
You burn off your eyelashes13.00
your former best friend shaves off half of your eyebrow13.00
you have to get a job13.13
A baby cries through the whole film13.50
Someone near you on the plane has really bad gas13.50
you have to listen to the same poem for ten hours13.50
You have to listen to Spanish-language radio for 2 hours13.60
the horrible horrible person who got you demoted at work is flirting with you at the bar13.60
The girl walking in front of you has a great ass, then she turns around and you see that she is really a he.13.65
The next day, you discover got your home phone number completely wrong when that hot stranger asked for it.13.65
you read your book in your boat, just as you have done the last three months, when it suddenly falls into the water.13.65
finding out that your P.E. instructor is a raging dike who has been watching you undress all year from another teacher.13.65
Having chronic halitosis13.65
You have bad cramps13.70
You toss and turn for 3 hours14.00
You score a whopping 19 when bowling.14.00
you pass out & get the Sharpie treatment14.50
you see a spider in your room, try to kill it, but it just runs and hides to terrify you all night14.50
You spend 8 hours on a bus watching Egyptian comedy on TV.14.50

You are summoned for jury duty
Your pregnant wife's breasts transform from toys into tools15.00
your dog eats your friends stash15.00
you turn on the oven and it fills the house with smoke when you're home alone, and when you finally get your pizza cooked you drop it on the ground, then eat it anyways cause your that hungry15.00
being called ugly by an ugly person15.00
Your teachers all think you're coming to class stoned -- and you've never done weed in your life.15.00
you are woken up early in the morning by your crazy neighbor screaming for her bastard cat to come home15.13
You get stuck in traffic due to repaving & the weirdo working the Stop/Slow sign tells you his life story.15.27
you get bad feedback on ebay15.50
You work on this list all day and leave it at the restaurant16.00
You lose a contact lens on a trip16.00
you have a serious enemy at work16.00
you get a high five after a date16.00
your car fails smog check18.00
You tell your parents you are sleeping over a friends house but really stay at cabin like an hour and a half away. Get caught you the person you pranked that night finds out it was you and she presses charges18.00
you sweat like george bush during the florida recount18.25
You crack a farm fresh egg into your brownie mix only to find a dead chick inside.19.46
you realize your nipples are visible through your shirt20.00
You Break the screen of your palm III20.00
you realize your the only person of color at a Slayer concert20.00
UPS Loses your packages loss 7days20.00
your boyfriend's parents hate you20.00

The guy/girl you dig jokingly tells you he digs you, too.20.00
being proud of your incredible height, but than smacking your head on the door frame,20.00
Your really cool WW2 army helmet gets taken away by the police20.00
Trying to shave your Tri brow and accidentally shave off a massive chunk of your normal eye brow.20.00
you hit a parked car with your bike, cant move....people laughing20.00
deed of your house destroyed20.00
Your bratty baby brother doodles all over your homework with Magic Markers20.00
you walk past rob cockerham on your way to work and dont say hi because he has no clue who you are20.00
I figure out who really is my secret online lover20.00
you find out your mom used to be a hooker20.00
You lose your sunglasses20.50

you get a big chip in your windshield
your pen explodes in your pants pocket21.50
you sit in gum21.60
your rear-windshield wiper wont stop, and it makes a terrible rubbing sound wherever you go.21.70
Take a HUGE out of a slice of pizza while in the morning stupor mode and feeling the inside of your mouth move due to the pizza being completely covered with ants (actually happened to my best friend - i watched!!! hahaha)21.89
you fart on a date22.00
you find a dead cockroach in your plate lunch22.00
Your mom catches you looking at porn on the Internet.22.00
on a first dinner date, your date finds a green grasshopper in her green salad; you cant help laughing22.00
You catch your Mom looking at porn on the internet22.00
some jerk puts his hands down the back of your pants22.70
You hit yourself in the leg with a hatchet22.70
You get yelled at for hitting yourself in the leg with a hatchet22.70
you get an irreparable haircut23.00
Your boyfriend breaks up with you for someone he met a week ago, and then you realize that you are actually in love with him.23.50
You are the heterosexual object of an unwanted same-sex love confession24.00
Your pen explodes in your mouth, just as someone you really like comes up to talk to you.24.00
you go on the blind date show and the production crew fills your fake thought balloons with horrible, embarrassing LIES24.50
Your boss corrupts his hard drive, then takes over your machine.24.50
The girl you like turns out to be a bad kisser25.00
you discover your nipples are visible through your shirt on school picture day25.00
Your car breaks down, on the roundabout right next to the police station25.00
You end up with cafe duty on your birthday for EVERY SINGLE YEAR of highschool.25.00
your partner leaves you for your siamese twin25.00
You find out that your girl friend is lesbian and has a huge crush on you. (You're female)25.00
your hairdresser cutting your ear off25.00
You get beat out of the student council by a retarded kid.25.03
Someone breaks off your antenna26.00
you get a cold sore26.00
you go away for the weekend but your roommate stays at the room. when you return you find white stains all over his bed and robe.26.00
First bathroom you find in 150 miles and it was just occupied by a frisky hillbilly couple.26.16
You have a burning sensation when peeing26.50
get bad credit history for a late movie rental26.50
exploding eggs26.50
you have to take off a bandaid26.76
you get mugged at knife point by a kid who couldn't be any older than 11, & you had a lot of $$$ on you that day.26.76
Your roommates keep you up until 3am singing Blondie hits when you have to work the next day27.00
You buy some bad E28.00
your boyfriend is a really bad kisser and repeatedly bites your lips, and thinks its sexy28.32
You get your toe stuck in a red hot fire guard whilst having sex and your partner holds you down mistaking your screams of agony for pleasure28.32
you are totally clueless about the answer to a question at a job interview28.50
You are writing notes in class and the teacher stops by your desk, asks you a question, and you're clueless.28.50
Your favorite hairstylist moves to San Francisco29.00
you are chased by a mob of angry hobos that want to steal your bike29.00
forget you are wearing heavy metal bracelet you stole from a friend and get held up by airport security metal detector missing Christmas Eve flight home29.00
you have a noise in your ear and your doctor removes a living roach29.00
You lose $20 cash30.00

finding dried-up week-old cat puke on the living room futon
You crap your pants.30.00
You get busted for using internet at work when its supposed to be off limits30.00
you let your friend cut your hair and she keeps saying, "oops!"30.00
on your second swig of a freshly opened beer, live cockroach in your mouth30.00
You decide to smoke pot for the first time while on the way to school. Your late and the vice priciple nazi says you smell like pot and you get suspended for 5 days30.00
actually having a frog in your throat30.00
you speak and act ghetto, than go home and milk your cows30.00
Releived after a urine test you smoke a blunt, the next day you are told it must be done again (lab error)30.00
Realize that you love your ex30.00
you realize that absent mindedly you were checking out you aunt/couzin/other female relative30.00
some stupid 10 year old out wits you30.00
you realize that your new nickname has an alternate meaning you didnt know about30.00
you get arrested because you look like a bad ass30.00
The brand new bottle of Irish creme is chunky.30.00
You studied for the wrong exam and failed miserably.30.00
your wife catches you rubbing one off to online porn... and laughs30.00
Discovering your boss, who only hires women, is a major porn fiend30.00
Getting called by recruiters30.00
you stick a foil gum wrapper into an outlet and get shocked30.00
You have dressed up and you boyfriend/girlfriend is asleep30.00
your cat has diarrhea, and misses the litter box30.00
You are too nice to ask you friends for gas money, even though you drive them around a lot30.00
drink straw jammed up your nose30.00
Your friends ALWAYS bring over bunk-shwag beer!30.00
everyone can smell your rancid arm inside your cast30.00
You lose your tickets to the show31.00
you work at wal-mart selling cell phones31.40
you forget grandpa at the drive-through31.45
You leave a fork in your microwave31.50
The paper boy wants his 2 dollars.31.54
"Your computer crashes before you save, losing 2 hours of work"32.00
Your cats bring wounded mice home but do not kill them. The mice have just enough strength left to crawl behind heavy furniture before dying. Later, it takes an elaborate search to find the terrible smell.32.00
Your band plays a club and only 3 people show up (your friends)32.50
the job you are waiting to be promoted to gets filled by a hot guy32.50
Your friend rolls your fingers up in the power window33.00
Your long blonde Hair gets rolled up in the electric window by your FATHER33.00
you mistake cat food for leftover meatloaf33.50
You lose your keys34.00
You watch a motorcyclist purposely hit and kill a puppy34.00
you lock your keys in the car and you're a delivery driver34.00
You set off the theft alarm at Walgreens, but didn't steal anything34.00
You get an infection from an intimate piercing34.50
you step on a toothpick and spend all day in the ER waiting for them to pull it out34.50

your housemates evil cat pisses on your leather jacket
your cat pees on your bedspread (and new $600 mattress) the day after you payed $5 at the laundromat to have it cleaned...from the last time she peed on your bed34.50
Your housemates evil cat pees in your guitar case ... with the guitar still in it34.50
You get your IRS check, spend most of it, then your boyfriend washes it in the washing machine the night before you deposit it! 6 wks and 30 mins on hold to replace!!!34.50
your cat pees in your sock drawer, and you dont notice until you take off your shoes...34.50
Tripping over a loose cable and breaking your big toe34.50
You run out of gas35.00
You find out that your favorite stalker is seeing someone else on the side35.00

you slam a car door on your finger

they won't let you pay for beer with pennies at the corner store
You are in in your socks and you step in your friends dogs pee35.00
you lock your keys in your car (while on a date)36.00
You get caught in a lie37.00
You run out of Easy Cheese half way through the box of Wheat Thins37.52
find intimate msgs to your fiance and they're not from you38.00
Your *bad thing* is dropped from the list39.50
You get a (US$28) parking ticket40.00
you take a swig from the ashtray bottle41.00
your housemates pet dies while you are taking care of it41.00
You go to take a drink of your Large Soda, take a big slurp through the straw, and start to gag because you grabbed your roomates spit cup instead of your soda41.00
you get bit by a snake42.00
after asking what that nasty smell is, you realize it is your own stink42.00
Your boyfriends cologne smells like something a woman could wear.42.00
You wash a pair of shorts (in a washing machine) that has snails in the pockets.42.25
You get a flat tire43.00
You spend an extra 15 minutes touching up your makeup, and your date says, hmm, did you want to wash your face?43.25
you get a black eye43.50
riding on your harley, and a june bug flys in your mouth43.50
you realize you live in Cupertino44.00
your housemate lets his drunken friend pass out on your living room floor and the guy soils himself durring the night.44.00
You actually spent 45 minutes reading all the Bad Things44.00
You are stuck in traffic, take a sure-fire shortcut, only to re-join the road. . . 5 cars back from the guy that WAS right in front of you.44.50
You don't like dogs in the first place, and your housemate has a dog whose ass bleeds every few weeks.44.80
lose a job you don't like or need45.00
your video-camera breaks while you are on vacation45.00
you discover you have alternate personalities45.00

you have to go to the DMV
your spoon falls in the garbage disposal and you unknowingly turn it on, ruining the spoon and the garbage disposal.45.00
Your dog eats your new eyeglasses.45.00
you are jealous that the voices dont talk to you45.00
Your exam gets rescheduled to January due to a power outage. And you're going to be across the country for a co-op work placement until May.45.00
Your boyfriend flirts more with other girls than he does with you.45.00
on the phone needing to write something important and EVERY PEN IN THE HOUSE either disappears or stops working45.02
You pass out drunk on the MUNI 14 owl on Mission and wake up in Daly City at 3 am45.50
walked in on by roommate and girlfriend45.50
You are a temp, you sleep with your boss. You are then hired. Then have a very painful breakup w/him b/c hes sleeping w/another colleague!45.50
During an intimate moment your mate answers the ringing phone...then the first thing he/she says is (oh nothing).45.50
you gossip about someone and they hear about it46.00
your boss calls you in on your day off to fire you, after he told you he was not going to. The police are there.46.00
You get an undeserved bad reputation48.00
you have to take a wicked piss & there are absolutely NO bathrooms ANYWHERE48.00
you receive a break-up email 2 seconds after you send a make-up email to that person48.00
you get a headache that lasts five days48.00
used wheelchair accessible stall in restroom because it was bigger and no one else was around. came out and found lady in wheelchair waiting on stall.48.00
Your friend drives you down the highway in the wrong direction.48.00
your car breaks down on the Bay Bridge during rush-hour50.00
Bad ThingDolor Value

Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic

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September 7th, 2002
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