Below is the fourth part of of a giant list of the bad things that can happen to you.
Dolors are a unit, like "gallons". They were invented to illustrate the philosophy of Utilitarianism.

Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic
Bad ThingDolor Value
You get involuntarily terminated due to department reorganization ... and there's no reorganization151.00
Surrounded by rotweilers while smelling of dog food151.00
Your mother calls you into the room 3 times cause she keeps getting stuck at a porn site151.00
A dirty syringe pokes you152.00
A crown falls off a tooth, but the dentist wants to replace the crown on the next tooth and it hasn't come off, yet.152.00
Your appendix bursts153.00
Your house gets condemned154.00
The dot-com you work for announces layoffs the day after your grandfather dies.154.00
You are homeless for a week, without a car155.00
your wedding is severely impacted by weather160.00
your website crashes and all backups of your data are destroyed in a brushfire162.00
falling off the roof drunk while watching fireworks.162.00
You don't get asked to your high-school prom & you don't go163.00
the fed ex guy tells you a dirty joke163.00
The girl you like starts sleeping with a guy you dislike170.00
Someone sees your boyfriend out with this other girl... And you find out this girl is your best friend.170.00
The girl you like turns out to be a man175.00
in 7th grade while talking to the girl of you dreams you walk into a pole176.00
You gamble away your rent money177.00
You buy a puzzle at a yard sale for $0.50, and find someone's stash in it... and get busted for it.177.00
You break your writing hand180.00
the school tough flips out on you and kicks your ass180.00
the guy you like used to be a girl180.02
You find a lump in your breast or testicle183.00
you tell someone to get a crappy $5 guitar out of your room to smash it, and they take out and smash your $2000 guitar, before you can stop them183.54
your dad and his pals walk in during your triple-X strip-show183.59
Your mom walks in on you having sex185.00
Walk in on parents having sex185.50
you become a heavy smoker (pack/day)190.00
your fiancée walks in on you having sex195.00
You get an ugly painful fungus on your face for 3 weeks196.00
you have an episiotomy197.00
10 minutes before your doctoral thesis defense you use a Listerine breath strip. Turns out the strip is your roommates acid.197.85
You get an injury that requires both a doctor & a dentist199.00
You hit a hole in one, and no one is there to witness it, and no one will believe you.199.00
You get pulled over for a minor equipment violation, the deputy finds your cocaine and then snorts the entire gram during six trips to the backseat of your car while you watch in disbelief from the curb199.25
The deputy who snorted all of your cocaine still takes you to jail for possession and being under the influence, when he is the only one who has got a taste of it.199.26
You get a DUI200.00
Your parents find a bag of weed, catch you lying about it, and you lose $10, and your best friend gets in trouble too.200.00
You get a chemical burn200.00
You realize that potatoes aren't all there cracked up to be200.00
Your best friend is killed in an auto accident on his way to pick you up from work200.00
You realize that the animated movie you got for your kids accidentally got switched to an x-rated movie. And they have already started watching.200.00
You accidentally reverse your vacuum cleaner200.00
You jump onto a couch, not seeing the newly sharpened pencil lying on it which subsequently becomes lodged in your Achilles tendon200.00
You jump onto a couch, not seeing the newly sharpened pencil lying on it which subsequently becomes lodged in your ass200.00
You find an old copy of hustler magazine and discover that your mom is the centrefold model200.00
Your girlfriend, who has the ass of an angel, get warts on her butt. The doctor has to use chemicals to burn them off and she ends up looking like a striped-ass baboon when she shows Victorias Secret200.01
girlfriend goes out to find another girl to participate in three-way with you, meets girl, falls in love and breaks up with you201.00
your dog gets hit by a car & dies210.00
Your dog gets hit by a cop going 50 in a 35 with no lights or siren and dies, and you get a ticket for not having it on a leash. And then have to bury before your wussy little brother comes home and crys.211.00
You let a mate use your pc, and he accidentally falls for the --no credit card required, just click to install-- premium rated drop-dialler trick - and runs you up a £300 Bill, and is too nervous to talk to you anymore211.00
You go to the doctor for an annual checkup and come home with menengitis211.05
you lose a job you like or need215.00
Youre job is painting lines on the road and you get paid by the line but you paint the lines on a divided two way highway so you only paint one line per day and therefore make a very small salary.215.00
You carry a car battery and lean it against your shirt, then it burns a horizontal black line through your shirt across your gut.220.00
you go to jail overnight225.00
First visit to the OB-GYN. The same one your mom uses. After the exam, he says that you look just like your mom.225.00
you have a mastectomy227.00
you become a freshman composition teacher227.00
you get shot228.00
you get shot, repeatedly228.00
"you cause a car accident where no one is injured, no insurance (US$3,000)"230.00
your name is mentioned in your friends suicide note231.00
the doctor tells you that he has to remove half of your brain, or else you DIE231.00
you get trapped in a mine for 77 hours with 9 other men and no shower231.50

you get stabbed
you go to jail because of an idiot friend, and get stuck next to a murderer233.00
Youre a delivery ninja for ninja burger and you dont make it in time, dont get a tip, and are forced to commit seppuku233.40
Cops take your lyrics for your brothers suicide note236.10
Having a shelf load of gallon size paint cans fall on you and having to pay for all the wasted paint.250.00
You are charged with a DUI. Are proven innocent in court - but since you didnt give a urine test the night of arrest you loose licence for 6 months250.00
You have a truck and decide to stop a Camaro that spunout and is stuck in the field, only to discover that while you were talking, your truck also sank into the mud. 2 hours later, both vehicles are out, but the mud also ripped out your brakeline250.00
Little kids mock you as you walk down the street250.00
your mom makes you a 4 arm alien costume from chicken wire and newspaper and teenagers try to rip off an arm while you are trick-or-treating250.00
in a pre-medication phase of life, your supposed best friend convinces you that you have magic powers, video tapes you fighting non-existent demons, and shows it to his friends, their friends, everybodys friends, annually, for 7 years running now259.00
hospital visit becomes year-long drug addiction260.00
snap off all four fingernails while trying to open a drawer260.00
you get in a wreck and your insurance doubles270.00
you have an abortion285.00
hard disk failure- thesis and data lost-Nobel prize goes begging285.00
you go to the doctor because your wrist hurts, and he solves the problem by sticking a needle into your wrist and injecting cortisone along the nerve, causing you to scream285.00
leaving the pool hose on in your indoor pool so you can wake up to wet squishy $1500 carpet in the morning where it came through the sliding doors285.00
You drink too much at an office party and end up humping the leg of your boss while screaming I WANT TO F*** YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! in front of all of your peers.285.50
You have an abortion, it lives, and you have to raise it.290.00
youre an assistant manager and nobody listens to you300.00
You contract Gangreen in a not so nice place300.00
You somehow kill someone with a salad shooter300.00
walk into a lamp post while admiring yourself in a shop window300.00
you get captured by guerillas305.00
you have to keep pretending not to have a headache since you promissed your girlfriend you would go see a doctor next time it happened305.00
You are a stockbroker and you lost everyones money and ruined your life..307.00
you get left at the altar308.00
You get attacked by a shark.308.00
you impale yourself on your ski pole in the process of trying to impress the hot ski bunnies308.00
You nail your foot to the floor308.00
you take a drink from the sink and your tongue gets stuck in the disposal308.00
You accidentally eat a bee that stings the inside of your windpipe, thereby effectively shutting off your air supply308.00
your motorcycle fouls its only spark plug on the freeway at 70mph309.00
You lose a ring finger310.00

You lose a front tooth
finding out too late that you can get genital herpes through oral sex325.00
you lose your sense of smell330.00
Your spouse dies while on the honeymoon.330.00
you get fired for surfing porn330.00
your tattooist turns your original design into flash and repeats it on Michael Bolton , which recieves world wide media coverage.330.00
You find out you have a severe chronic mental illness331.00
Your therapist keeps mentioning the benefits of electro-convulsive therapy331.00
you fall face first in dog poop331.00
you get cancer332.00
You accidentally kill your cat.334.00
you get 40 lashes335.00
you lose a job you love and need340.00
You wake up in the refrigerater of a morg340.00
You are enslaved350.00
You lose your nose (frostbite)355.00
you lose a thumb365.00
Your greatly loved Aunt dies on your birthday and from now on your family remebers the day of her death but forgets your birthday365.00
"You lose 5 teeth, including 2 front teeth"380.00
Kneeling before the toilet, about to heave, when dizziness takes over and you do a header into the bowl.380.00
Decided that the makers of nair were just being cautious by putting that little warning label about applying to genitals.380.00
You wake up with no memory of the night before and a huge pile of budgie feathers on the floor beside your bed.380.00
Having sex the same day you had put the nair on your genitals380.05
you get deported381.00
you lose your favorite way of communication: your middle finger382.00
You lose an arm390.00
You lose an eye400.00

you fall off of a building
someone finds out you've secretly charged thousands of dollars to the client's retainer and you get fired, fined and arrested400.00
you get robbed by a hooker400.00
Your tattoo artist keeps muttering things like sh*t damn and I can fix that while working on your back400.00
Well into adulthood you realize that you passed up what would have been the best sex of your life because you instead bought into homophobic christian bullshit.400.00
People keep slandering your religon400.00
you fall off a building and live. Now you have to eat through an IV for the rest of your life because you broke every bone in your body. Including those little ones in your ears400.00
A virgin for what seems all your life & the 1st time you have sex with that special person... you get a VD...400.00
Your girlfriend gets pregnant the first time you loose your virginity. And morning after pills dont work. And she wants the baby.400.00
you fall off a building and on the way down you snag your eyelid on a nail400.00
you have been dating the same girl for the last four years and still havent found the right hole401.99
while looking at internet porn, you find pictures of your fiancee in a three-way401.99
You accidentally taste someone, and your mouth waters405.00
Your boss, acompanied by his HOT secreatry you've been trying to get with, opens the door to your office while your changing out of your bathing-suit after doing laps in a VERY COLD pool.405.00
you shake some insanity sauce (extremely hot sauce) and the lid flies off and sprays the sauce in your face and burns you406.66
I picked up a pay phone to find someone put human feces in the ear peice406.66
you realize you are sexually attracted to Gilbert Gottfried410.00
Girlfriend gets pregnant - turns christian - and doesnt want to have sex again until you marry her.410.00
you find out you have type 2 diabetes and now cannot eat the things you love to eat410.00

You accidentally kill someone
you find a dead body425.00
Your first day of prison all the guys nickname you Fresh AssParty425.00
you pass out on some traintracks at 3AM425.75
You get infected with the HIV virus450.00
step on a wet hair ball from your cat450.00
you have a miscarriage459.00
You pass out drunk into the bonfire.499.99
You lose a leg500.00
Bulding falls on you500.00
Your girlfriend gets you addicted to Heroin500.00
You drive your card into the Broadway Market Parking Garage with you bike on the roof500.00
You are the Mole, and *everyone* knows it500.00
you adjust yourself during school and your watch gets snagged on the inside of your boxers500.00
You realize that, yes, you are ugly500.00
Realizing that you really can't change your significant other500.00
trying to light a tompon instead of a cigarette500.00
You are wearing the pants you hate500.00
going on a talk show & having the entire audiance TOTALLY diss you500.00
your life is so messed up that you think getting shot repeatedly only rates a 228 on the dolor scale501.90
You run out of heroin510.00
You are disemboweled525.00
you wake up dead525.00
you dont realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night is now planning on a sex change549.00
You get raped550.00
you contract HIV while cheating, and find out after your wife/husband get it too550.00
The guys in the bar find out your wife left you for another woman.550.00
After what seems like hours of passionate lovemaking, you ejaculate. Then your wife asks you to hand her the vibrator.550.00
Your wife runs off with your imaginary friend.550.00
you realise your dog has a better sex life than you550.00
the police department you use to work for arrests you550.00
you dont realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night has a penis.550.00
you wake up next to a really hairy homeless man with a bag of balck tar cocaine in your armpit550.00
getting shot in the chest with a roman candle550.00
you have to go to the wedding of your last remaining single friend550.00
you get raped and no one believes you or even says it was your fault551.00
Bad nickname551.50

out sailing/videotaping cool looking sharks/oops, fell in575.00
You get gang raped600.00
You have all 4 wisdom teeth out and it wont stop bleading or hurting600.00
Your trapped on the top floor of a building. A airplane hits the middle section of your builing - and you just watched the exact same thing happen to a building next to you. Except that one you watched collapse.600.00
You realise you are a transexual and will have to spend vast amounts of money on surgery and tell your parents, boss and wife.600.00
you find out that dixie crystals *are* bone-char processed after busting your ass for four years trying to be a damn conscious vegan600.00
The FAA takes away your medical certificate because they fear you will kill thousands of people.600.00
You get burns over 60% of your body650.00
you put gasoline in the kerosene heater650.00
you are a coprophiliac652.00
You lose both arms660.00
you fall asleep and your wife cuts off your penis and then throws it out a car window660.00
Your leg becomes dislocated, the doctor pops it back in and one of your testicles gets popped into your hip socket with your hip joint.660.00
You are thrown directly through a window665.00
You wreck your car by smashing into your mothers car.665.00
you become completely addicted to the bad things list.665.00
you go on your honeymoon to have sex for the first time, only to find that your spouse is a member of the same sex, and just looks like the opposite sex666.00
You are granted eternal life, and then you commit a crime and get a life sentence.666.66
You find your parents having sex in your in your bedrom on your own bed.666.66
you think that pit bulls are cute & you think you know whats up until you get one & it rips up your neibors kid.666.66
on top of a skyscraper, you pretend youre going to fall off to scare your friends, then you fall off669.20
you get castrated670.00
you get beaten to a pulp on the Chicago L train for wearing stripy tights and a dog collar by a black girl who has her hair shaped into a yellow and green pineapple......for real, no joke.670.00
You get castrated...with and ancient (and rusty) tribal spear.676.00
You lose both legs680.00
your tongue piercing gets caught on your girlfriends intimate piercing, and you have to go to the hospital like that to get it fixed.680.00
after coitus you cant find a sock to wipe on680.00
You leave for work for the day and come home to find the boyfriend who's flight you paid for is putting it to two female backpackers you thought were your friends - and no one stops when you enter the room.680.00
Your vasectomy went horribly, HORRIBLY wrong, maam680.00
Your mom walks in on you and your girlfirend having sex. In fursuits. Then she gets you both thrown into the psych ward.705.00
Your parents kill your sibling by forcing him or her to drink bleach in an effort to excise the demons.720.00
you write parking tickets for a living720.00
you get hit by a meteor during eye surgery720.00
diving into a pool and coming up with a mouthful of wiggly mosquito egg water !!! GAG !!!720.00
Your dog thinks its funny to crap on your 80 year old neighbors welcome mat, and barf on your pillow, but your brothers like it too much to put it to sleep774.00
Beer Spillage over both my girlfriend and best friend777.77
You develop uncontrollable diarrhea and crap your pants during a date780.00
You spend thousands of dollars to open a new business in the mall, and no one wants to check out your product790.00
You lose both eyes800.00
I stole my moms car800.00
A train hits you850.00
a train hits you, and you live for 60 more years, unable to feed yourself850.01
while talking to parents they point out the pubic hair stuck in your teeth850.01
You get drunk and sleep with your teacher, only to find out the next week you are pregnant.852.00
You hit 42 and are still concerned about the absence of pubes900.00
listening to tales of my ex-girlfriend having sex with other guys.900.00
A grenade goes off in your hand970.00
Return from a routine space mission only to find that everything is exactly the same, with the exception that everybody is a monkey.970.00
You take a drink from a bottle full of piss970.00
your house is covered in molten lava970.00
You are paralyzed980.00
Just before going under, your surgeon mistakenly identifies you as the man sleeping with his wife.999.00
youre told you have brain cancer and you have only six months to live999.00
after hearing that you will die, you decide to spread your seed instead of freezing it. the doctors say, hey, wait, you wont die! you're now father to 200 children.999.00
you die999.99
12-year old you are riding your bike and are hit broadside by a speeding 1959 Edsel1000.00
You get buried alive1000.00
you live in Russia1000.00
You have sex with a girl and she hits your brand new car leaving.1000.00
you realize that you love homosexual activity and you've been with a member of the opposite sex for four years1000.00
you put on a horrible mask and cannot get it off1000.00
My grilfriend (after telling me she couldnt love again, for a long time. and after breaking up with me) Started fucking her best friend (who has been gay for 7 years and been with ALOT of guys) The day after we broke up, and kicked ME out of MY apt.1000.00
your plane goes down over the ocean and your floatation device has a hole in it.1000.00
You suddenly discover God is real, when you've been an atheist for your entire life1000.12
You discover God is fake, after being a devout Christian (or whatever) for your entire life1000.12
your mother becomes a Jehovas Wittness and wont talk to you anymore because you are a Southern Baptist, even though she raised you to be a Southern Baptist1000.12
You are subpoenaed to re-blow the President on the senate floor because they must know *exactly* what happened.1002.00
Your brain is transplanted into a cow1099.99
a cows brain is transplanted into you (while you are still completely awake and aware of what's going on, but have no means to stop it)1099.99
you lose all limbs and reproductive organs but you still live for another 45 years1100.00
You break your back outside and the neighbor's fat ass old dog poops near you as you wait three hours for someone to get home.1100.00
you die on your lawn next door to an elementary school and the only person who notices is the garbage man1100.00
you get hypothermia, someone throws you into a hot tub, and you have a heart attack from the temperature change1100.50
Pan retinal photocoagulation for diabetic eye disease1100.50
You work really hard to get on the show Fear Factor only to learn that the first challenge is to carve out your own spleen and eat it.1100.50
you go to kick that piece of ice that's just sitting there on the ground and it ends up that it's stuck and you fracture your toe.1100.80
you are slowly sucked to death by angry, vengeful lampreys.1111.11
you decide to have fun with the pool filter and get your privates stuck1111.12
mistakenly grab tube of Krazy glue when reaching for the KY1200.00
You are sued for millions in a copyright suit because you used the nike logo without permission on your shabby, flash animated website and a nike exec happened to see it1203.00
You get frostbite and all your fingers and toes fall off and you don't notice for three weeks.1203.00
Your rectum prolapses whilst having sex with the woman of your dreams1211.11
you get hit by a rock in the head and cant see, hear or taste anything ever again1211.11
The Jon Stewart look-alike you picked up at a Wesley Willis show wont screw around with you, no matter how drunk you get him, because HE REALLY REALLY RESPECTS WOMEN1282.00
You die peacefully1300.00
You live in afghanistan and look like bin laden1300.00
Big, smelly mushrooms start growing out of your ears, mouth and nose1300.00
a twisted psycho gets insistent about combing your bald head with a potato peeler1300.00
you get chopped up in a wood-chipper1323.00
You are hanged1350.00
You get aborted.1350.00
You die in a mudslide.1351.00
Herpes in your optic nerve causes your eye to fall out1362.76
Your pistol stovepipes one round into a shootout, and you have no backup.1400.00
You are drawn & quartered1420.00
someone takes a corkscrew and twists it into your belly-button then pulls it out slowly1420.00
you get eaten alive1420.00
you buy a brand new recliner, and your cat pees on it so much, and so frequently, that you can no longer clean it, the smell is intolerable, you leave it on the curb... bye bye recliner, we miss you!1430.00
You get boiled in oil1450.00
Personal injury involving your crotch and a sewing machine... in the mountains1450.00
fall off balcony, snapping back on a theatre chair1450.00
You cut up fresh hot chili peppers, go to the toilet and the searing pain reminds you that you forgot to wash your hands.1450.00
You get a prior sex offender notice from the new guy next door1450.00
you walk in on your two same sex friends having sex1450.00
You pay tens of thousands of dollars out in tuition to go to a university with a T3, only to have them block file sharing ports completely because they can't figure out how to solve the bandwidth problem with bandwidth capping.1450.00
Talking to your new co-worker and offhandedly mention to him that one reason this summer job rocks is because so many -hot- women work here. Later, you find out he is actually a really homely female and believes that you were flirting with her.1450.00
You step through a time warp sending you back to the age of the dinosaurs, and step on a bug, resulting in the human race never evolving, causing a paradox ripping reality open at its seams.1450.00
You lose control of all thought, later coming to, you realize that you have ten sticks of dynamite down your pants, and you are driving a flaming busload of nuns into a nursing home.1450.00
you get a prior sex offender notice from the guy next door the day after you asked him out on a date1450.01
you are a leper1450.51
You're halfway over a fence with one leg on each side when you realize that it is electric. You strain a groin muscle trying to get over before being shocked.1450.51
you are a leper1450.51
Someone asks what gender you are1452.00
you marry a woman that vows to stay a virgin until the wedding night, you've been waiting forever to have sex w/ her and finally as she undresses you sees she has three nipples and two on her back1452.00
Being asked what your gender is, and the person not believing your answer.1452.75
you had an affair with a hot, young intern and now no one can find her1452.88
You are in the military and get sent out on a highly dangerous mission, only to find out that the intel report is wrong and 8 out of 24 people die due to underestimated enemy strength.1452.88
You find out there's tiny worms in your eyes.1452.88
You are a civilian in an area which gets the attention of the American military.1452.88
You get keelhauled1452.88
you somehow find yourself lying on a block in the middle ages and a big, sharp, evil-looking knife is coming straight down onto your neck1452.88
you get tied to your bed posts and then you get your balls popped by a wodden mallet1452.89
you had an affair with a hot, young intern and they just found the body1452.89
you contract narcolepsy whilst in a pit of ravenous man-eating lions, then you fall in to a fit of sleep1452.89
you are on your deathbed, you confess to a dozen murders then get better1452.90
you find out there's BIG worms in your eyes1452.90
You hit a pedestrian with your car on your 20th birthday, and then get sued for millions all before you turn 21.1452.90
You are sexually molested by your older brother since before you could remember and when you finally tell you parents they put you into therapy with a shrink that doesnt work and you are afraid of sex for the rest of your life.1452.90
Kill loved one(s) in a car accident leaving you paralyzed and blind1452.90
you spontaneously combust1452.90
you decide to become a Satan worshiper and at your first meeting you learn that you are the sacrifice for that night.1479.00
you get run over by a steamroller, from the feet up1479.00
you are exposed to extreme radiation and your flesh sizzles off slowly for 2 years1479.50
You get crucified1500.00
You get skinned alive1579.00
you get crucified upside down1580.00
Bad ThingDolor Value

Part 1: Uncomfortable | Part 2: Lousy | Part 3: Crushing | Part 4: Epic

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September 7th, 2002
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