- Be hot. Have big boobs or great abs.
- If you're about to be fired, be remembered as the player who
unleashed a profanity-laced tirade. Next, take over all of John
McEnroe's endorsement deals. He's getting old and you're new blood. -AJ
- Shoot yourself in the head.
- The people who say "I'm here to win, not to make friends,"
are always sure to get voted off just before they make it to the final
vote. Your chances for success are much greater if you repeat this
mantra instead: "I'm here to get laid, and quit my day job."
- Marissa Maciel
- Make sure things like "self-respect" and
"clothing" remain optional for you
- Try to sleep with another contestant.
- When all else fails, sleep with the producer.
- The number one rule has to be NEVER BE ON A REALITY SHOW. I could
never live with myself if I behaved like those contestants behave. No
amount of money is worth losing your self respect. There is nothing
"real" about the way they behave and I would not want those
kind of people around me. I would have them arrested.
- Strip to your underwear, grease yourself up, and run around
screaming "I'm just gonna keep doing my thang"
- Surgery. Huge boobs and(?)/or pecs almost guarantee a long run. Be
careful not to show them off, but pretend to be modest in your new
face or chest. Being too flaunting would expose your tactic.
- Also, spying on everyone else couldn't hurt.
- Do not try out for a reality show. The End.
- Having some sort of substance abuse problem is a wildly
- 1. Keep a BIG SECRET, and allude to it often. Hopefully, it's a real
life thing (e.g. I'm gay, I never learned to read, I'm not really
left-handed), but if you have to make up a crush on another contestant
or a horrible past, that's still good TV. No one will want you to go
until they find out what it is.
- 2. Make some obvious show of progress. The best way to do this is to
start a big fight with someone, and when the fight gets the other
person kicked off the show (remember, you have the BIG SECRET),
pretend to be remorseful about it. Vow that you won't allow whatever
issue it was come between you and another contestant again. Hint that
this is a way for you to deal with your BIG SECRET (e.g. He wanted to
look at my baseball glove, and I acted without thinking!). Your fight
is good TV, and your willingness to grow is keeps you well liked.
- 3. Whether you're doing a physical challenge on the island or trying
to sell real estate to people on the street, try to be naked as
frequently as possible. Also, it helps if you're a good looking woman.
- It depends on the show. If the show is a Survivor-based show where
the other contestants decide on who is eliminated, then you have to be
careful about distinguishing yourself too early (although it would be
ok to be more expressive in the 'talk to the camera' segments). In any
other reality show where elimination is determined by third parties,
strange, aggressive behaviour is probably aan asset as long as you
don't look like a lunatic in the eyes of the decision-makers.
- Personally, I wouldn't survive one episode - my facial expressions
would be off the chart in reacting to the utter stupidity of many
reality show contestants.
- Eat lots of cheese
- I would make sure to be the Token-Bitch. This person is the most
popular character and always gets the most on screen-time. Who cares
if you get "voted off the island"? You will be able to
stretch your 15 minutes of fame into infinity with other reality shows
playing the same part. Or, I would make sure to "hook-up"
with another player. Romances forged in the heat of reality may not
last forever, but they assure tv popularity and staying power (of
newly caught STD's).
- Stop screaming, sreaking, and crying. The world is watching! pull
- I would go off and hide and make them try to drag me away kicking
and screaming. THAT would get ratings and they'd have to keep me!
- Eat clams.
- be Bobby Brown
- finish that last drink, you'll be glad you did. Don't worry about
forgetting the good times during your blackout as you will get to see
it over and over in reruns and syndicated later on Spike TV.
Spread-eagled on the pool table or puking in central booking the
producers won't let you get hurt. Mom and Dad will be so proud!
- "You're fired" implies actual employment prior to the
firing regardless of what your contract said. If you hear this call
your lawyer for a wrongfull termination suit.
- Number One Rule: On the very first day...lay low! Do not be bossy,
loud, annoying or otherwise obnoxious. You'll be the first one voted
- Make sure to act like you are chewing gum ALL THE TIME. Even if you
don't have gum, no wait, ESPECIALLY if you don't have gum.
- They really don't get soap on that show unless they win it in a
challenge. Matthew still smells funny on a warm elevator.
- Smuggle a bar of Irish Spring onto the Survivor set.
- stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly during the
vote/decision. By law, they can't send you home if you don't hear them
say your name
- Younger cuter girls should touch each other frequently, bathe
together, even wrestle. As long as the guys have majority of the vote
you will be safe
- I am 6'4", 230. I would likely be perceived as a threat.
However, if I were to have some (fake) physical or social weaknesses,
I would not be as targeted. For example, on the current Survivor, a
fellow named Blake is having trouble adjusting to the heat. He has
been sick (vomitting) and is weak in the camp. He lays it all out for
the tribe at the challenges and is too spent to even walk around much
at camp. Or is he?
- I would likely have something planned beforehand such as leg cramps
or heat adjustment problems that cannot be verifed easily by another
person. If I use a real disease or condition, someone could call you
on it, then you are busted.
- Another option, I considered would be to have a speaking problem or
BE someone else. I like the way the dumb gimp (K Spacey) pulled it off
in The Usual Suspects.
- I assume your edge ("behaving strangely and having extreme
facial reactions") is based on some real dingdongs getting far on
some shows. I find many annoying and not helping themselves,
particularly if they hope to launch from Survivor to something else.
Omarosa, Eric(recent BB).
- Kill and eat all of your opponents. And your teammates, too! Now,
THAT is what I call a Survivor.
- Don't Do it. It's a Trap.
- Be the biggest a***** you can be most of the time, but also show
compassion in those extreme situations.
- Find previous episodes of the show right after your audition and
watch them so you can figure out what did NOT work for people.
- Always vote out the metabolically challenged guy who seems to always
like to be naked
- Develop an annoying/crazy personality trait. For example, walk
around naked, glare at other contestants with crazy eyes, talk in your
own imaginary language. Woot!
- Post reality show appearance advice: Capitalize on your 15 minutes
of fame as much and as quickly as possible. The fame doesn't last,
neither does the opportunity to cash in. So, the more money you can
earn early on, the longer it may last.
- Learn to eat disgusting things before you get on the show. You're
probably going to have to eat bugs/brains/testicles/etc.. at some
point, and its good to have practice.
- Chain myself to the nearest immovable object.
- Attitude counts! Be nice – genuinely nice – to everyone. Do your
best, and encourage others to do their best. Cheer them on.
- Remember the Golden Rule.
- Sleep with at least two other contestants.
- Well I'm a girl and all I would have to do to guarantee my not
getting kicked off the show would be to make out with as many hot
girls as possible and when things are a little slow, expose different
- Pretend to hurt yourself,(Don't really hurt yourself because then
you become useless and Hurting yourself would just be stupid.)and act
like your sick, almost dying, then find the person you want to be
eliminated and ask them for help. If they say no, tell your
"team-mates" how big of an ass hole that person is and that
he isn't helping the team. If the person says yes to helping you, then
hug them and start coughing like crazy on the side of their neck do
this intill they make you stop. If nothing works then your a failure
at life and nobody likes you. -Mr. Clean
- Kiss up to the guy with the camera.
- Can I ask that they all die? If not, you really have to practice how
to be a total backstabbing dick.
- To avoid being Voted Off:
- If you are female, take off your clothes. A lot.
- If you are male, put female clothes on, preferably with underwear on
the outside, and outerwear on the inside. Do this a lot.
- Do not brag about your talent while on the show, nor how you are
going to kick another contestant off the program. This footage will be
used in an "ironic" context.
- Dropping trou in the middle of New York City to sell candy bars is
very slutty and not recommended. Conversely, dropping trou while
standing on a post just offshore of your island is encouraged.
Location, location, location.
- Bring some sort of relevant talent with you to the program. If you
are running a race around the world and are constantly presented with
new forms of transportation to master, perhaps you could learn to
drive stick shift. It is just a suggestion.
- If you are stuck on an island and are given the option of bringing
one thing, probably the one thing that no one would choose is a large
"can do spirit" banner. You will be wrapped up in the banner
and buried at sea. Same goes with a guitar. Bring a wok, medical
supplies, or food. You self-centered ass.
- Do not petition God to help you win. She really, really, really
doesn't ****ing care about your little dash for cash and is very busy
in the kitchen making chana masala for the twins.
- If you have blue hair and you shove your wife around while racing
around the world, the best advice I could give you is to commit
hara-kiri. It would really help everyone out!
- You can talk the talk if you can walk the walk. If you talk the talk
without walking the walk, then you're a boring airhead and lord knows
we have enough of that on the airwaves these days.
- Get naked!
- Don't "fly under the radar". that just never works. ever.
- Stop being surprised when someone "stabs you in the back"
by switching alliances or lying to you. Only one person can win and it
is, after all, a GAME!
- To avoid this, I suggest watching previous seasons of said reality
show BEFORE applying to be on the next season. Happens every time
people. Wise up.
- Wear fancy dress; squid, potplant, bus - anything unconventional and
likely to cause surprise/excitement/alarm
- Become attractive and gratuitously take off your shirt. So you're on
The Apprentice, SO WHAT?!!!
- Have large breasts.
- If you're a woman, show as much 'bust' as possible. Male viewers
like that a lot, and will vote you 'ahead' in on-line polls.
- Have large breasts, and show as much skins as possible or be the
most annoying irritating person on the show. If you can do both,
you're a shoe in.
- Stop staring at your female counterpart's breasts. I know its a
temptation but you have to keep your head in the game, not tilted
downward at sexy lumps.
- Don't go on a reality show.
- Don't show up for the first show. Just walk home and get a real job.
You didn't need all that negative attention anyway.
- Kill all your opponents, you will live in infamy and get great book
- Choose to not compete. Competition is the downfall of society as it
is mutually exclusive to cooperation. The other contestants will eat
- Rule Number One: Be hot. No one likes to watch an uggo.
- Show lots of skin!
- Be as unPC as you can. If you haven't insulted every ethnic
group/religion/sex out there, chances are you're going home soon.
- Don't complain. Don't argue. Basically, be a doormat. Let other
people walk all over you. When it comes time to vote someone off the
island, they'll remeber how agreeable and polite you are, and won't
vote you off.
- Pick a defining character trait and stick to it. Only the most
dedicated of your viewers will ever remember your name, so you have to
have a handle like "the Muslim" or "the lesbian"
or "the golf pro" so people can talk about you at the water
- Beware common reality-show roles like "the one with the
abs" or "the *******." Remember: you need a
- Adopt a painfully distracting facial-tick.