Advice for Reality Show Contestants

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  • Don't Panic!
  • Don't tell your secret plans and strategies to the cameraman when you think you're alone. While he can't talk to YOU, he can talk to the PRODUCERS who will blab it all over camp!
  • Use thought-provoking cliches like "It's kinda like living inside the pocket of a clown"
  • Act nice and sweet and innocent, so the network will get killed if they cut you.
  • Well, after that one Survivor where the two girls got naked for food and stayed on to be the final two, my advice to the female contestants would be to bare your breasts in a dignified and classy way. If you are to trailer-trash about it, its not going to sit well with the people voting and you need to have nice perky breasts.
  • Stay under the radar until near the end of the game. Do enough work to get by, but not enough to get blamed if your task goes wrong. The last two weeks/shows turn it up and show everyone why you are the best. Also, chicks who walk around topless will probably make it to the finally.
  • I won a reality TV show. My success can be attributed to being such a major ******* that everyone was so busy focusing on me they became easy targets themselves. Also, being an ******* makes you key to the shows success. This means the production crew need you to stay around for the success of the show and they are the most powerful team come elimination time.
  • Try not to be gaseous.
  • Develop a Kegerator that only I could operate.
  • Constantly read erotic literature outloud. After the most exciting parts, claim that you not only wrote it, but that you remember "that time."
  • Bring twinkies and dont make friends.
  • Shoot yourself! Reality TV shows aren't quite reality.
  • Form an alliance with ALL of the other players so that none of them will vote you out.
  • Become best buds with the host so he or she will favor you over the other contestants.
  • Pretend your grandmother's died.
  • Snuff all opposing players


  • It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again
  • I would win by being the last person to lose.
  • Set free the proletariat.
  • Always talk behind peoples backs--you will get more air time and make more money like Omorosa did!
  • When all else fails, be attractive.
  • Be the wiered one having some quirk is important like the naked guy on survivor but at all costs do not be th bithchy one.
  • Be as bitchy as you possibly can, that way, when the show is over, you can get a spot on The Surreal Life and live for eternity in reality show history!
  • kill yourself- slowly and painfully.
  • If you must get bitchy, get bitchy in a way that makes others look bad. Don't allow yourself to get so wrapped up in bitchiness that you yourself become like the "Omarosa." Talk **** on people only when they deserve it, and never lash out when others talk dirt upon you. You must be the Venus flytrap, firm and patient but ready to strike at any moment.
  • Don't push your "post reality show" fame. You're annoying and I hate you.
  • I think being treacherous and sneaky would insure not getting kicked off the island, because the drama i created would be valuble for the show.
  • Go naked! If you're good looking, going naked is sexy and draws in viewers. If you're not, going naked is funny and draws in viewers. Either way the producers love you!
  • don't poop in other peoples beds.
  • Always be The Bitch. Everyone likes The Bitch and wants to see them on the show until the very end, and then lose to The Sweet One Who Gets An Attitude Only When Provoked By The Bitch.
  • Survivor:
  • My advice to the contestants: Learn how to make fire without matches before you go on the show.
  • My advice to the producers: Actually let people starve and die if they cannot make fire or find their own nourishment and clean water.
  • Learn to swim, start a fire with flint, how to stand in one place for extended periods of time, shoot a bow, shoot a slingshot.
  • Keep quiet but help out.
  • Try to be as dramatic and entertaining as possible. The network will try to keep you on the island for as long as possible to maximize ratings. And when you do finally get voted off, you'll be able to make it big as a pop culture icon!
  • Stop your f**ing whining. Jebus!
  • Have two X chromosomes and an attractive body.
  • Survivor: In the beginning of the game, the strong survive and the weak falter. After the merge, it is the smart who succeed. Needless to say, success relies on honing both body and mind. I've got nothing on the details however.
  • kiss everyone's ass just enough to make sure they all like you but not enough for them to know you're sucking up
  • dont go on reality television.
  • #1 Get a job and quit wasting time being a jackass. (That's Ted Kennedy's job!)
  • #2 Spend more time on
  • #3 Drink more Guinness!
  • Vote twice!
  • When you get the word that you're going to be on Survivor, it might be a really good idea to learn how to make fire, dumbass! (Why has nobody ever practiced?)
  • ALWAYS assume you're on camera, even when you don't see any.
  • Nudity. Lots of nudity.
  • Don't comment on Martha's ankle bracelet.

Please continue reading page 4 of reality show contestant advice.

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October 16th, 2005.

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